It's Not God's Fault

Last updated on March 3, 2026

Then who was to blame?

For twenty of my twenty-four years of marriage, I lived as a pastor’s wife in autonomous fundamental churches while being married to an abuser.

I was trained to accept things that were not normal.

I was taught to believe lies about love, submission, and endurance.

I was instructed to see control as leadership and suffering as faithfulness.

I learned that abuse was “from the devil.”

That my job was to pray harder.

To submit more.

To stay quiet.

So I did.

I trusted God to stop it.

To fix it.

To save my marriage.

To save me.

I believed I was powerless without Him.

That belief kept me stuck.

When I finally left the abuse, I had to rebuild from what was left. Not everything could be restored. But I learned how to live again with what remained.

Along the way, I discovered something that changed everything.

It was not God’s fault.

It was not divorce that ruined my life.

It was not leaving that broke me.

What harmed me was a system built on patriarchy, control, and fear.

What kept me there was not weakness. It was conditioning.

That can be unlearned.

This podcast exists for people who were taught to confuse suffering with holiness.

To confuse silence with strength.

To confuse endurance with love.

It is for people who have lived through grief, abuse, suicide loss, family trauma, and religious harm.

For people who are still standing, even when they are exhausted.

You do not have to minimize your story here.

You do not have to make it sound better than it was.

If you are rebuilding your life after something that broke you,

you belong here