They say “pain insists on being felt” but I’ve learned to tame and suppress it… When pain comes my way whether it be physical or emotional I do not allow it to be felt. I breathe through it and ignore it. I guess I’m wishing it will go away since I pretend it doesn’t exist. 
Category: Trauma & Recovery
September 28, 2014
RIGHT SIDE UP
Normally when you go through a divorce or separation even from an abusive one, it is said that “your world is turned upside down”.
Everything in life is a matter of perspective, how you perceive things. The way you perceive things will affect the way you feel. The way you feel will affect your whole entire attitude.
Since my ex left on July 1st I am so much happier. I am free to be myself. I am free to live by MY convictions instead of living to please someone else. I feel more accomplished. Did I mention that I am happier? I’m no longer walking on egg-shells. I no longer have to worry about someone getting angry with me for no reason. I no longer live in fear from day to day.
No, my world was not “turned upside down” it was turned RIGHT SIDE UP and I am better for it. Oh, and I’m SO much happier.
September 27, 2014
The divorce is soon approaching. I’m excited and nervous. Excited that it’s coming to a close, but nervous that my ex will try to delay it anyway he can.
This past week I had to attend a Conflict Resolution class aka an Anger Management Class for one of my boys who got in a fight at school. The things she explained about anger and how we deal with things brought back so many memories of how my ex would be. She talked about how when someone gets in your face the natural reaction is to lash out or push them away. All this time my ex tried to convince me that I was the abusive one because I would defend myself or push him away etc.
It really got me to thinking about my life with him. His abuse etc. I feel like it is time to dig deeper. I’ve tried to ignore and forget all he did, but I think it’s time to face it instead.
September 9, 2014
I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND
I went to the doctor today for the first time in 5 years. My blood pressure was high. I’ve NEVER had high blood pressure. So I attribute it to all the stress I’ve been under. I began to give the doctor my excuse and told him why I was stressed. I told him that I am trying to accept that my ex has abandoned my children (I no longer refer to them as “our” children). He proceeded to explain to me that I would never be able to accept it. He said that the way our brains process information is a lot like a locked door and key. He said I am standing at that door trying to understand why the ex is doing what he’s doing, and I do not have the key. So therefore that door of understanding will never be opened. He said you can never understand irrational behavior because it just doesn’t make sense. Although I agreed with most of what he said and how he said it, I do believe that I can accept it. I do not feel like I have to understand the exes reasoning in order to accept what is. I will not accept it in the sense that it’s ok to be that way. But I can and will accept that he IS that way, and “it is what it is”. He left, he does not ask about the children, and he does not try to contact them. I call it abandonment. It is what it is and I accept that. Now I can move forward from here.
September 8, 2014
LEARNING TO ACCEPT…
Admitting there is a problem is half the cure. Isn’t that what they tell us?
I can finally admit that my exhusband abandoned our children. Our precious 5yr old said he misses “Daddy” and asked why he left us. I didn’t have an answer for him. The next step is being able to accept that he abandoned everyone. It’s been a very emotional week for us. The children especially are beginning to show their pain and anger in different ways . Suicide, rage, screaming, depression, … Just a few.
It been almost 10 weeks since he left. 10 weeks since he spoke to any of the children. 10 weeks. I haven’t accepted it completely yet, but I’m working on it, and as the weeks pass by it gets easier because it is more obvious day by day.
Today is August 17, 2015… We’ve come to accept that their “Dad” is non-existent. We are still having to deal with the depression, anger, and aggressions…. Especially among my teenagers. We’ve come a long way but are not where we want to be yet.
Morse Code Cleaning
August 2014
All week I’ve been cleaning the house “Morse Code” style. It goes something like this: wash dishes…stop…. Take kids to school… Stop…. Work… Stop… Go home, pull everything out of the closet …. Stop…. Pick up kids from school… Stop …. Bag up unwanted stuff I pulled out of closet… Stop… Fix dinner….stop….sweep out closet and reorganize… Stop….
And so on it goes. The good news is, with perseverance I’ve accomplished cleaning 2 1/2 rooms in 5 days! I would not have been able to accomplish this if it wasn’t for the advice of Missives by Michelle | A Lifestyle Blog
http://missivesbymichelle.com/ I would not have been able to accomplish everything I did yesterday, As the ex kept texting me at the speed if light. I lost count after 12 consecutive texts in a row.
Indifference is liberating.
Read: Love, the four letter word, used to describe everything from chocolate to a vacation on the beach. People toss the word around as easy as they breathe. C.S. Lewis wrote a book entitled The Four Loves.
Love, Hate or Indifferent
Relationships, Storge, Moving On, C.S. Lewis, Eros, Forgiveness, The Four Loves, Everyday Life, Divorce, Marriage, Hate, Love, Philia, Behavioral Response, Indifference, Agape
http://missivesbymichelle.com/2014/08/21/love-hate-or-indifferent/
It was a tremendous help to me yesterday!
July 26, 2014
I considered deleting all these old posts, but I hope that my transparency will be of help or inspiration to someone going through what I did.
Thank god my life is so much better now. I am better too.
I sit broken, Looking for direction, Feeling alone. I know this is my life but my life was meant to be shared, not hoarded and kept to myself.
I’m learning a lot about myself in this process. Being separated from my husband (soon ex-husband) has a caused me to look inside.
Ive learned that I have a kind, gracious heart. Last night our son played a show in town. I had a strong desire to send “Dad” a video of some of the songs they played. I had to remind myself that he has made no effort nor any attempts to contact his children since he left more then 3 weeks ago.
I learned that I believe in people, Even when they aren’t exhibiting very good character qualities. I told our son that one of the hardest things for me to “get-over” is his lack of concern for the children. Our son said, “Mom, did you really expect anything different?” I said, “Yes, son, I did. I had confidence in him.” He said, “Not me. I lost all confidence in that guy.”
I’ve also learned that even though I have no desire to remain married to this man. There is still a “letting go” process. I have to let go of my strong desire to see him stay in contact with our children.
There are so many things out of my control. I have to let go of all of them.
I’ve learned that I do not like to be alone. I miss adult companionship.
I learned I can chug 2 beers, have a public melt-down, and get myself back together all within 60 seconds.
I’ve learned that I am not done learning.
July 25, 2015
A COVER UP
I did get the Phoenix tattoo, but it didn’t end up being a cover-up. I still adorn his name but am having a lotus flower designed to cover it instead.
I admit it, I am a “hopeless romantic”. I am also a symbolic person. I like symbols or things that represent special times, places or people. For instance, my very first tattoo was a boyfriends initial “R”. A month or two later I turned it into a flower. My next tattoo was and still is a yellow rose (my favorite) with my “ex” husbands name written in cursive. I’ve had that branded on me for 25 years!
Before he left he asked for my wedding ring back and his last name. The ring was the only thing his mother left him when she passed away. So of course I gave it back. He pawned it. I told him I was not changing my name.
The more I accept that we are no longer a part of each other except for our children (whom he never calls or checks on), the more I begin to think.(you can read my poem “No Longer” http://wp.me/p4kY05-89) The children asked me to keep his last name because it’s their last name. But then there is his name on my body. I want to erase his memory, remember? So I came up with the great idea of getting this tattoo covered up with something new. But what? I thought about something with wings (based on the Poem “Wings: http://wp.me/s4kY05-wings). I don’t want a butterfly or anything that seemed feminine. I want something that represents strength. Then this morning I saw it. The Phoenix. I knew, “thats it”!
The bird proudly willing to burn,
So that he may live again,
Chooses the flames of fires
That burn the aged Phoenix
The nature stands still
Till a new young bird starts again,
and begins the legend of the Phoenix.– Claudian (Roman author)
I love what the Phoenix represents, how it will rise from the ashes.(Read “I will rise” http://wp.me/4kY05)
“I flew straight out of heaven, a mad bird full of secrets. I came into being as I came into being. I grew as I grew. I changed as I change. My mind is fire, my soul fire. The cobra wakes and spits fire in my eyes. I rise through ochre smoke into black air enclosed in a shower of stars. I am what I have made. I am the seed of every god, beautiful as evening, hard as light. I am the last four days of yesterday, four screams from the edges of earth – beauty, terror, truth, madness – the Phoenix on his pyre
“A mythical bird that never dies, the Phoenix flies far ahead to the front, always scanning the landscape and distant space. It represents our captivity for vision, for collecting sensory information about our environment and the events unfolding within it. The Phoenix, with its great beauty, creates intense excitement and deathless inspiration.” – Feng Shui Handbook
I may not be able to erase his memory, but I can sure cover-up his name!
July 23,2014
He invades my thoughts I want him out. He came to me in my dream and turned it into a nightmare. It was full of violence. It felt so real that when I woke up I was so drained of energy. I know I can choose one thought over another, but I feel so vulnerable when it comes to sleep. I am afraid he will visit again. I am so tired. Tonight I sip some wine in hopes I sleep through any dream invasions.
July 22, 2014
WHILE I HEAL
I want to erase every memory of my ex. I want to forget his very existence.
Surely this can’t be healthy.
I do not want to be consumed with bitterness and resentment. Though this is where I am. I don’t want him coming to me in my dreams. He isn’t welcome there. He turns them into violent nightmares.
Oh how often I wished he would die. Yet he remains. I wish I had never met him.
I will forever see his face in the faces of my children.
I do not even want him to be a memory. He is no longer a piece of me.
At some point I hope this feeling gets flushed out of my system. It doesn’t feel good. It is not me, but the feelings are here. The pain is real, demanding yet again to be felt.
Doctors give us 6-8 weeks for recovery after surgery. It’s been less then that since our separation. So I will give myself time and space to continue to heal.
Yoli's Write To Sanity 