Category: Family Trauma

July 26, 2014

I considered deleting all these old posts, but I hope that my transparency will be of help or inspiration to someone going through what I did.

Thank god my life is so much better now. I am better too.

I sit broken, Looking for direction, Feeling alone. I know this is my life but my life was meant to be shared, not hoarded and kept to myself.
I’m learning a lot about myself in this process. Being separated from my husband (soon ex-husband) has a caused me to look inside.
Ive learned that I have a kind, gracious heart. Last night our son played a show in town. I had a strong desire to send “Dad” a video of some of the songs they played. I had to remind myself that he has made no effort nor any attempts to contact his children since he left more then 3 weeks ago.
I learned that I believe in people, Even when they aren’t exhibiting very good character qualities. I told our son that one of the hardest things for me to “get-over” is his lack of concern for the children. Our son said, “Mom, did you really expect anything different?” I said, “Yes, son, I did. I had confidence in him.” He said, “Not me. I lost all confidence in that guy.”
I’ve also learned that even though I have no desire to remain married to this man. There is still a “letting go” process. I have to let go of my strong desire to see him stay in contact with our children.
There are so many things out of my control. I have to let go of all of them.
I’ve learned that I do not like to be alone. I miss adult companionship.
I learned I can chug 2 beers, have a public melt-down, and get myself back together all within 60 seconds.
I’ve learned that I am not done learning.

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July 21, 2014

Those boundaries I was supposed to be setting aren’t real sturdy. I let my guard down today. I let my ex get to me. Now I feel so emotionless, so numb. Just a human existence. I discovered my kitty curled up “asleep”. All day I’ve been asking where she was, no one had seen her. Then I found her. No longer breathing. All I can do is let out a breath. A big sigh. I have no tears. I can’t even feel. I see tears stream down my 5yr olds face. I am not moved. I hold him close. Try my best to comfort him. Tonight, Mommy doesn’t have much comfort to give. All I have is my embrace, and I hope that is enough.

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Ramen

Lucky me… His favorite food is Ramen Noodles!!

July 15, 2014

I forget that they are just as tired and weary as I am. This isn’t easy on ANY of us. We all have to use extra energy to get through our days and deal with our individual struggles. This little guy has been spoiled. He is our baby, and he is a picky eater. There is no more splurging for a while. You can’t have what I don’t have on hand. He doesn’t understand, and it frustrates him. Kids are resilient. They bounce back, but I need to remember that they are tired too.

He walked away from everything, who was I to think that he wouldn’t walk away from me also.

“He walked away from everything, who was I to think that he wouldn’t walk away from me also.”

July 11, 2014

Those were my closing thoughts yesterday. Although my days are twice as busy now that I have all the responsibility of caring for my family. My days are more fulfilled. I feel accomplished. After setting a goal to not worry about what he thinks. It freed me to be myself and to do as I please.
Now that I am working for 2 people and being 2 parents, I do not have time for his childish BS. While I am working, he is sending back-to-back texts full of accusations and self-pity. I laugh. He has no job and is staying with his brother… He only has time to throw BS my way.
At the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I’ve accomplished many things. Not everything, but plenty. And oh! I forgot to reply to his text, go figure.

I can’t change that

July 7, 2014

Back to a busy work week. This week, I will work on bringing structure back to our lives. After I’ve been able to do that, to where I am comfortable with the way things are flowing, THEN I will be able to work on myself. Kids are so resilient. I’m not saying they are not affected. I am saying, they bounce back well. The younger ones, that is. My 13yr old daughter is struggling. She witnessed the entire happening. Yet that is her Daddy, and like any normal child, she didn’t want her Daddy to go so far away. I keep waiting for my 5yr old to ask when Daddy will be coming home, but he hasn’t, not yet.
I took a few days to think and clear my head as best as I could before I responded to my oldest daughter’s vicious letter. Today I will send her my response. I do not know what the outcome will be, but that is one thing I am choosing not to focus on. She is an adult and makes her own choices. I can not change that. Wow. I should carry this thought over into my failed marriage. “He is an adult, and makes his own choices, and I can not change that.” Wow. I felt a little pressure lift just then. Thank you, WP blogging! For a place where I can get this out and see it laid out in front of me.
Happy Monday!

Not today

july 5, 2014

I woke up still fully clothed. Last night’s whiskey bottle helped me to forget my circumstances for an evening. Of course, life was still the same when I woke up. Thoughts flood my mind. I am so anxious and determined to get past this! I am ready to move forward with my emotions. I feel like there are some things that I need to let go of. Places my thoughts continually go.
I want so badly to give him a list of everything he has done that has hurt me so. But I wouldn’t be content for him to just read that list; I would want him to embrace it, admit it is true, and then sincerely apologize for it all. I want to see him be regretful. I want him to confess that he f**ked up. I can’t make him. I can’t control that. Therefore, I need to let it go. Let go of my need for restitution.
Not today, though, while he sits at his brother’s house eating smoked ribs, etc. I lay in bed this morning, wondering what I would feed my children. I guess it’ll be Ramen noodles again today.
I really do want to move on. I will. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. I will, but not today.

Fueled my fire

2014

Another day, a lot more tears. I am lying in a pit of self-pity, looking up through the opening at the beautiful blue sky. It feels like there are vines tangled around my heart, holding me down.
My oldest daughter sent me the most vicious, hateful letter last night. She said things just like the pro she learned from, her father. Words too vile to print on this screen. Emotions, I hope NO mother ever hears from a child. I literally have chest pains. If I weren’t under so much stress and heartache right now, I would run myself to the ER.
I see a passing cloud, as tears pour out of my eyes. I can’t move. No, I can, but I don’t want to.
He has already purchased a new truck for himself, while I drive the shit he left me with that needs a new radiator.

Ariana Grande has a song, “Problem”. My other daughter brings her radio and iPod into my room and plays me the song. “I’ve got one less problem without ya”. Our motto.

I feel heat. It’s in my soul, a fire, burning. I can feel it burning at these vines that are holding me down. The vines are helpless; they are so fragile compared to the fire that’s growing. From the glow of the fire, I can see more vines going all the way to the top. I will arise. I will climb out and conquer this day.

My son sent me this text: “We can do this. We will do this. It’s gonna be better than it ever has been. It’ll be hard but it’ll be worth it. Don’t get down. That’s what the purpose was behind all of this. To make us get down and depressed. Don’t let them have that power over you. Rise above so that one day they will look up from whatever out they find themselves in and realize their mistake.”

It’s a bonfire now!!!

The Past

2014

The past does not define me
But it brought me to this place
Scaring the shit out of me
Making my heart race

The past does not define me
But made me who I am
A broken winged birdie
Flightless, God damn.

The past does not define me
It shows me where I’m at
In prison bars entrapped
A raving insomniac

The past does not define me
But it sure created my life
This life I’ve invested
Paying a great price

The past does not define me
But it sure created my life

Learning to accept 

UPDATE: its been over a year since “dad” had any contact with his children… I accept it… BUT the problems he left me with, pisses me off!

Admitting there is a problem is half the cure. Isn’t that what they tell us?
I can finally admit that my ex-husband abandoned our children. Our precious 5yr old said he misses “Daddy” and asked why he left us. I didn’t have an answer for him. The next step is accepting that he abandoned everyone. It’s been a very emotional week for us. The children, especially, are beginning to show their pain and anger in different ways. Suicide attempts, rage, screaming, depression, … Just a few.
It been almost 10 weeks since he left. 10 weeks since he spoke to any of the children. 10 weeks. I haven’t accepted it completely yet, but I’m working on it, and as the weeks pass by, it gets easier because it is more obvious day by day.

Wtf

labor day weekend 2014

What the fuckity fuck?
Tonight, my 16-year-old son came close to committing suicide. My oldest son found him curled up in a ball, crying with a loaded gun next to him. He dismantled the gun, put it in the truck, and went for a very long drive.
They talked for a long time, and in the process, my oldest said, “Let’s call Dad so he can talk to you”. So, they called Dad, and Dad refused to talk to him.
Wow. What father will not talk to his child who is on the verge of suicide??
All I can say is, “what the fuckity fuck??”
Well, his true self is surfacing for all to see.