Like Mother, Like Son

Red Flag #6

The Mirror in the Kitchen

We’ve all heard the old proverb:

“If you want to know how a man will treat his wife, look at how he treats his mother.”

It sounds like a simple piece of wisdom, doesn’t it? But when you are in the middle of planning a wedding, picking out rings, and dreaming of a future where you are no longer alone, you have a way of convincing yourself that the rules don’t apply to your situation.

In this post, I’m sharing the story of the 6th Red Flag — the moment the “fairytale” wedding planning hit a wall of reality in a cold kitchen.

At this point in my life, I was tired. I was a single mom, and when Preacher said, “If we are going to move, we must do it right. We need to get married,” it felt like a lifeline. I wasn’t just marrying a man; I was choosing a father for my son. I was choosing a partner, so I wouldn’t have to carry the weight of the world by myself anymore.

We picked the dress. We picked the rings. We were planning an intimate backyard wedding. It all looked perfect on paper.

The shift happened over something as simple as a vacation destination. Preacher’s mother had offered to pay for our honeymoon. I had always gotten along with her; she was kind and seemed to love my son. But when he mentioned Hawaii, she put her foot down.

“I am not paying for that,” she said.

In a heartbeat, the man I thought was my protector vanished. I watched in disbelief as his face turned a terrifying shade of red. The veins in his forehead bulged. He wasn’t just arguing; he was filled with a rage that felt physical.

“Why?! That makes no sense at all! Why are you being such a goddamn bitch?” Preacher screamed.

I sat at the kitchen bar, my elbows resting on the cold tile, paralyzed. I picked at my fingernails, trying to make myself invisible. I was terrified that if I moved or spoke, that field of rage would turn toward me.

His mother didn’t back down. She threw her hands up and screamed back, “I wish you had never been born. You are such an asshole,” before storming out.

As I sat in that silent kitchen, the words of a Pastor I once knew echoed in my head: “The way a man treats his mother is the way he will treat his wife.”

I heard the warning. I felt the chill of it. But I did what so many of us do when we are desperate for a happy ending: I made an excuse. I told myself that because she had promised the money and then changed her mind, his reaction was “understandable.” I minimized the verbal abuse because I didn’t want to admit I was about to marry a man who could speak to a woman — let alone his mother — that way.

Within three months, we were married. She paid for a honeymoon (not in Hawaii), and by the day we returned, our lives were already packed into boxes. We were heading to Oklahoma.

I didn’t realize that the scene in the kitchen wasn’t just a “family spat.” It was a blueprint.

A man’s relationship with his mother is often his first experience with female authority and boundaries. If he uses verbal violence to handle a “No” from her, he will eventually use it to handle a “No” from you. The way he devalues her is the exact script he will use on you once the honeymoon phase is over.

Don’t look at how he treats his mother when she is doing what he wants. Look at how he treats her when she stands in his way. That is the man you are actually marrying.

Why do we ignore the smoke even when we can smell the fire?

GUIDE TO IDENTITYING RED FLAGS https://justbreatheandwrite.com/free-red-flags-guide/