Category: Sexual abuse

July 7, 2015

I imagine him sitting there looking out the window at the top of the cell the only blue sky he can see in that window. Concrete walls surround him. I imagine him realizing how he fucked up his life. I imagine him thinking of me, missing his mom. He has lost his family, his friends and his freedom. He is my son and I will always love him but his sin has forever changed our relationship.

  

How am I Supposed To Feel??

How am I supposed to feel when my ex husband doesn’t care enough to answer texts and phone calls from his children?
How am I supposed to feel when my daughter has been molested?
How am I supposed to feel when my son is in prison?
 How am I supposed to feel when my son molests my daughter and I turn him in?
How am I supposed to feel when no one can believe it’s true?
How am I supposed to feel?

Because I can’t feel anything right now. I am numb.

  

May 8, 2014

WHAT A DAY


I had my day planned, scheduled to be off for the first time in what seemed like forever! I was going to get SO much done!

Morning routines were moving along as usual, a bickering sibling to the other. Perfectly normal stuff. 
My son spit his toothpaste into the kitchen sink, but lingered as if he was nauseous.  Something wasn’t right. He seemed too lethargic this morning. He went and laid  down on the chair in our den. I asked if he was ok, and he barely nodded yes. He was almost non-responsive. So I asked if he was hung-over, he nodded no. Then I asked, “what did you take?” He said he took all of my anxiety pills (20-30) and the rest of his girlfriends Zoloft. I said, “what the hell! Were you trying to kill a yourself???” Then he shook his head yes.
I spent my entire day off in the local emergency room. This was his 2nd attempt in less then a year, to commit suicide.  My small town does not have the facilities to deal with this type of thing so they sent him to a specialized hospital 3 hours away. I only get visitation 2 days a week and phone calls on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. 
This is definitely not how I had my day planned out. 
When the doctor asked him why he wanted to hurt himself I mentioned that it’s been a rough year. Then he spoke up and said “if you knew what we’ve been through this past year then you’d understand. “we 
They reassured me that he would see therapists that would help him to deal with the various things we’ve faced this year.
After leaving him to their care I went to my doctor to get my (much needed) anxiety pills refilled. He refused. He didn’t want to be liable.
So here I am. My Bp 180/?? Nothing but liver damaging alcohol to help.
Where’s a therapist for mom?
Everyone talks about “how strong of a woman I am” … I ask, is this what “strong” feels like? I don’t think you would think that if you saw my smeared mascara, and empty tequila bottles.
Life needs to give my family a paid vacation.