Category: Trauma & Recovery

I’m proud 

August 2014

I’ve always tried to teach my children to be kind. Help people out who are in need. Tonight my 2 oldest boys made me proud. They noticed a lady stopped on the side of the road with a flat tire (we live on a highway). They took initiative to go out there and assist her. They changed her tire for her. The policeman arrived and stood as an observer. I’m sure my boys made a better impression of helping people then our local “protect and serve” state trooper. This has not been a good day. It has been a GREAT day.

A Good Day

I remember this day very well. We now have a great open relationship. Open about everything except that small period of time when she said she “hated” me. I have not brought it up, she hasn’t apologized, but I often wonder what was going through her mind during that time period.

August 2014
For the first time in over a month my 20yr old daughter spoke to me. When her father and I separated she wrote me a very hateful vicious letter. Said things like “I will never speak to you again, etc”. Last week she went school shopping for her siblings. I never denied her the freedom to continue their relationships.
A few weeks ago I sent her a brief text to remind her that I loved her and care about her and think of her often. Watching her father not make any effort to keep in touch with his younger children showed me how easy it would be for her to take my silence as “I don’t care”.
Today she walked in the house, looked at me and actually held a conversation with me. I am still in a state of shock, but am extremely happy about the progress! This is a good day.

Pretty darn good 

August 2014
Each day presents it’s own set of challenges. Yesterday is the first day I actually felt like I’m getting some normalcy back into my life. I had routine and structure without feeling overwhelmed. The 2 biggest challenges I faced were paying the outrageous summer electric bill and remembering to check the mail. Checking the mail was something my ex did every single day. So, naturally I keep forgetting. And the mail box is way down there at the end of our drive way. If checking the mail was my biggest challenge then I think I’m doing pretty darn good.

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His Energy 

There are times and days that I can still feel him. No, not his touch. His energy. I feel him in my gut. He makes me anxious and nervous. I feel edgy. And then, low and behold, he will text. “I KNEW it”, I say to myself.
I’ve learned to recognize this feeling. I know it’s him. Now I need to learn how to not allow his energy to zap me of mine. I need to learn how to not allow these feelings to affect me in a negative way. I have a lot to learn in this process. How to help my children through this. How to manage our business, our home, our life , schooling…. everything all at the same time.
We will get there. One day at a time.

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Clouds 

August 2014

I lay on a floatie on the lake, allowing the gentle waves to carry me. Staring up into the sky listening to children play, and waves falling on the shore. I see a big fluffy white cloud. It looks like it is getting closer, so close I thought perhaps it would envelope me. Then for no reason it backed up, drifted away from me and began to dissipate. I laid there sad because it reminded me of my family. I thought to myself, “my family is dissipating right before my eyes. We are all going our separate ways.” As I continued to watch that cloud completely break up I realized something: Once that cloud began to break it allowed the sun to shine through. After the cloud was gone I could see clear blue skies.
Not all things that look and feel bad are bad. Sometimes those bad things make room for the good and right things. This lake helps me every time I come.

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My daughters broken heart

My daughters broken heart

August 2014

Broken-hearted again
For me would be in vain
But for my little girl
Her daddy was her world

How can a father leave
It’s hard for me to conceive
Not even say goodbye
I can only stand by

And watch her tears stream down
From her big eyes of brown
Her bleeding heart poured out
Through her brown eyes spout

I set my pain aside
My broken heart I’ll hide
And take the time to heal
As before my girl I kneel

And let her hug and hold
As I lovingly enfold
Her precious body in my arms
Wishing to protect her heart from harm

From harm, hurt, and pain
I wish my arms could constrain
But for now I hold her tight
As her daddy silently takes flight

To my sweet 8yr old daughter

Insanity 

Insanity 

insanity is doing the same thing yet expecting different results

August 2014
As fate or luck (or what ever you want to call it) would have it, my husband left again. We barely lasted 24 hours. What happened? You wonder. I wonder. Everyone asks. I told him I would not move out of state with him. He got so angry and started yelling at me. Then he threatened to move back to where he was staying. After a long night of talking, arguing, and wasted energy, I gave him the last of my money so he could leave.
At 4:44am, I heard the door latch close. Just like that. He is gone.
Today I will try to mend broken hearts again, because he did not even say goodbye to his children. What a bastard.
I will apologize to my children for letting my guard down and allowing him to come home. I must have been insane.

I caved

I caved

About a month after the separation from my ex, somehow he convinced me to bring him home and “work it out” (for the sake of the kids).

August 2014
I’ve never considered myself a person with an addictive personality. I’ve done my share of drugs, drinking, etc. I’ve always been able to stop when I wanted. Without having withdrawals or extreme needs to go back to it. I’ve always been able to “take it or leave it.”
Things have transpired in the last week to show me that I actually do have an addictive personality. I’m not addicted to substances. I can’t quite put my finger on what to call it. So let me go into a little bit of what has happened.
To make a long story short, my husband is home. Yes, I allowed him back. I know, you don’t have to tell me. I’m insane. I’ve already questioned myself over and over. What was I thinking? Don’t get me wrong, he is being kind and sweet and all that goes along with making up after any fight, but I know in my heart I can’t give him that 100% that is necessary to make a relationship work. But I see the joy in my children’s faces now that their Dad is home. I buckled. I caved in. I think about how clean my house will be again. I think about how I hate being alone. I think I’m addicted to my struggle.

Reflections

Reflections

July 2014

Nothing like a long drive and time near the water to give you time to think and reflect. I just got our vehicle out of the mechanic shop yesterday, and as I’m driving down the road, it is struggling and skipping. (It must be those hoses the mechanic said needed to be changed soon. My thoughts instantly turn to the last thing my son asked me before I left to pick it up from the mechanic,

“Mom, when are you going to get rid of that and get a new one?”

It stung my tenacity. I don’t give up. I believe ANYTHING can be salvaged. Which is precisely why I stayed married for so long. When you invest so much in something, it is difficult to give it up. We just replaced the engine, and now we are fixing everything on the new engine that we already fixed on the old one.

This drive, combined with soothing waters, has led me to consider buying a new vehicle.

I stopped to smell the rose

I stopped to smell the rose

The past is behind me,

The future is before me;

They are both trying to steal today.

I am one person. Who has been handed everything. It’s time for “everything” to take a number and get in line. It will get done. Maybe not as fast as I or anyone else wants, but it will get done.
I have so many emotions going through me. They are all trying to come out at once. So I am going to attempt to get them out here.
Anger.

I am so angry with myself for hanging on for so long! I’m angry for agreeing to not pursue child-support. I might end up really regretting that later. I’m angry because he upped and left, moving 12 hrs away. The day before our son’s 16th birthday. I’m angry because of all the house repairs I’m left with that he would never fix. And I’m angry because I haven’t won the lottery yet, that sure would come in handy right now.

Overwhelmed.

I am extremely overwhelmed with the load I’ve been handed. The family business, sole provider for our children, taxi service for kids, and so much more, not to mention being a mom. Oh, and Dad, now.

Bitter.

I am bitter & resentful. I have contempt for the father of my children.

Hurt.

I am hurt and empty. So empty. I gave my all. Every ounce of my energy into making the marriage work. For example. I planned an anniversary trip to see his favorite MLB baseball team play a home game. The entire time we were there, it was all about him. I bought the tickets, I paid for the hotel, the gas, everything, souvenirs, etc. I even wrote him a poem, which he shredded in my face on the day after our return home. He gave me nothing for our anniversary. This was 5 days ago. When we got back, he even complained about some very intimate things.

Relieved.

It’s a relief to know he is 12 hours away and I don’t need to worry about him stopping by.
I’m a woman, so I’m entitled to be angry and relieved for the same reason. :)

Everyone asks how I am. I will quote you my exact reply,

“I am a mess. I do not regret my decision. But I am exhausted and overwhelmed. But I will be ok, thanks for asking.”

Coming to the end of this day, at a customer’s house, I was reminded to stop and smell this rose. A beautiful budding yellow rose. My favorite color and favorite flower.