Category: Trauma & Recovery

I can’t change that

July 7, 2014

Back to a busy work week. This week, I will work on bringing structure back to our lives. After I’ve been able to do that, to where I am comfortable with the way things are flowing, THEN I will be able to work on myself. Kids are so resilient. I’m not saying they are not affected. I am saying, they bounce back well. The younger ones, that is. My 13yr old daughter is struggling. She witnessed the entire happening. Yet that is her Daddy, and like any normal child, she didn’t want her Daddy to go so far away. I keep waiting for my 5yr old to ask when Daddy will be coming home, but he hasn’t, not yet.
I took a few days to think and clear my head as best as I could before I responded to my oldest daughter’s vicious letter. Today I will send her my response. I do not know what the outcome will be, but that is one thing I am choosing not to focus on. She is an adult and makes her own choices. I can not change that. Wow. I should carry this thought over into my failed marriage. “He is an adult, and makes his own choices, and I can not change that.” Wow. I felt a little pressure lift just then. Thank you, WP blogging! For a place where I can get this out and see it laid out in front of me.
Happy Monday!

Sunday draught 

July 6, 2014

No tears this bright Sunday morning. The drought has come; the rain is gone. My soul has been left dry and barren. I am numb.
I like this feeling better than the emotional feelings where everything comes out in tears. I feel more in control. Could it be because I am suppressing my feelings? Possibly. Today I feel like I can at least work on my house. Getting it back in order as I prepare for a busy work week.
I know it will take time to flush out my system from everything that 24 yrs has ingrained in me. So, suppressed I may be today, tomorrow is a new day. I will work on my house today, instead of me.

We keep ourselves so tied up in regretting the past and fearing the future that we don’t have any energy left to figure out who we are and what we want

Happy Sunday, ya’ll!
Peace, lov,e and Mist

Not today

july 5, 2014

I woke up still fully clothed. Last night’s whiskey bottle helped me to forget my circumstances for an evening. Of course, life was still the same when I woke up. Thoughts flood my mind. I am so anxious and determined to get past this! I am ready to move forward with my emotions. I feel like there are some things that I need to let go of. Places my thoughts continually go.
I want so badly to give him a list of everything he has done that has hurt me so. But I wouldn’t be content for him to just read that list; I would want him to embrace it, admit it is true, and then sincerely apologize for it all. I want to see him be regretful. I want him to confess that he f**ked up. I can’t make him. I can’t control that. Therefore, I need to let it go. Let go of my need for restitution.
Not today, though, while he sits at his brother’s house eating smoked ribs, etc. I lay in bed this morning, wondering what I would feed my children. I guess it’ll be Ramen noodles again today.
I really do want to move on. I will. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. I will, but not today.

Fueled my fire

2014

Another day, a lot more tears. I am lying in a pit of self-pity, looking up through the opening at the beautiful blue sky. It feels like there are vines tangled around my heart, holding me down.
My oldest daughter sent me the most vicious, hateful letter last night. She said things just like the pro she learned from, her father. Words too vile to print on this screen. Emotions, I hope NO mother ever hears from a child. I literally have chest pains. If I weren’t under so much stress and heartache right now, I would run myself to the ER.
I see a passing cloud, as tears pour out of my eyes. I can’t move. No, I can, but I don’t want to.
He has already purchased a new truck for himself, while I drive the shit he left me with that needs a new radiator.

Ariana Grande has a song, “Problem”. My other daughter brings her radio and iPod into my room and plays me the song. “I’ve got one less problem without ya”. Our motto.

I feel heat. It’s in my soul, a fire, burning. I can feel it burning at these vines that are holding me down. The vines are helpless; they are so fragile compared to the fire that’s growing. From the glow of the fire, I can see more vines going all the way to the top. I will arise. I will climb out and conquer this day.

My son sent me this text: “We can do this. We will do this. It’s gonna be better than it ever has been. It’ll be hard but it’ll be worth it. Don’t get down. That’s what the purpose was behind all of this. To make us get down and depressed. Don’t let them have that power over you. Rise above so that one day they will look up from whatever out they find themselves in and realize their mistake.”

It’s a bonfire now!!!

Stabbing Words

verbal abuse is more harmful than physical abuse

Your words are like stab wounds
Penetrating deeply
As warm blood gently spills
Out into ink
A stab to the arm
No longer able to hold you
Or my babies
A stab to the neck
Where your kisses used to fall
A stab to the leg
So I can no longer run
Run away from you
A stab to my stomach
Where I had this gut feeling
That all of the past would
Eventually come back to haunt
A stab to the chest
I can no longer breathe
A stab to the heart
No more love to be felt
Multiple stab wounds from
Multiple words have left me
Writhing in pain and despair
Breathless and speechless
And no longer a care

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Being vulnerable 

originally written from a Word Prompt…. A few months before my separation in 2014

I penned my heart and soul to you. 

 You grind your teeth and sneer. 

I wrote of love, devotion and friendship. 

You rolled your eyes as you crumpled my paper. 

I poured out my deepest feelings. 

You trampled them to ashes. 

It was 13 years ago yet I remember each detail vividly. 

I stopped writing because of you. 

I recently started writing again, because of you. 

Because of all the pain you caused my bleeding heart. 

Finally I could release my anger, pain, bitterness, fear and resentment. 

I faced them. 

 I faced you. 

You no longer scare me. 

But to share my writings with you leaves me open and vulnerable. 

Why? 

Do I value your opinion that much? 

I guess I do. 

 I want to trust you with my heart. 

 I want to open up. 

But I don’t want to feel so vulnerable or fall prey to your criticism. 

All I seek is your approval and value. 

I need to continue to remember that I am valued and approved by the One higher then you. 

Am I willing to risk being vulnerable to you? 

I want to,
I want to take that risk. 

I am scared. 

I am extremely protective of my heart. 

Maybe with little baby steps I can take the risk and allow myself to be vulnerable. 

 

Vulnerability – Don Charisma’s Prompt http://doncharisma.org/2014/05/07/vulnerability-don-charisma-s-prompt/

To the Trees

To the trees I will sing
To the trees I will scream
You will not see you affecting me

I will sing of love that’s lost
I will scream of what you cost
You will not hear me sing of love to thee

To the trees I will sing
To the trees I will scream
You will not see you affecting me

You will not see you affecting me

I will sing of darkness lit
I will scream of how hard this hit
You will not hear me screaming for you

To the trees I will sing
To the trees I will scream
You will not see you affecting me

You will not see you affecting me
You will not see you afflicting me

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The Conjuring 

The Conjuring 

This is what it feels like or looks like living with an abuser

The conjuring

All around you, they fly
The Demons of your head
To Torment and divide you
Telling you what to think
If you listen, you will sink
Turn them down
They’re screaming your name
On your fear, they feast
The Demons of your head

I can call them by name
Counting them one at a time
They came to greet me
The demons of your head

They’re flying at me
To torment and divide me
Telling me what to think
If I listen, I will sink
Trying to turn them down
As they scream my name
Feasting on my fear
The demons of your head

Your demons are in my head
Flying all around
Tormenting and telling me
What to think
They’re screaming my name
I think I might sink
Your demons are screaming my name

The Past

2014

The past does not define me
But it brought me to this place
Scaring the shit out of me
Making my heart race

The past does not define me
But made me who I am
A broken winged birdie
Flightless, God damn.

The past does not define me
It shows me where I’m at
In prison bars entrapped
A raving insomniac

The past does not define me
But it sure created my life
This life I’ve invested
Paying a great price

The past does not define me
But it sure created my life