Category: Trauma & Recovery

July 21, 2014

Those boundaries I was supposed to be setting aren’t real sturdy. I let my guard down today. I let my ex get to me. Now I feel so emotionless, so numb. Just a human existence. I discovered my kitty curled up “asleep”. All day I’ve been asking where she was, no one had seen her. Then I found her. No longer breathing. All I can do is let out a breath. A big sigh. I have no tears. I can’t even feel. I see tears stream down my 5yr olds face. I am not moved. I hold him close. Try my best to comfort him. Tonight, Mommy doesn’t have much comfort to give. All I have is my embrace, and I hope that is enough.

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July 18, 2014

pain demands to be felt
I felt the darkness closing in on me like a flood. It’s dark waters rose higher and higher until it was over my head. Even though I know how to swim these waters were different then clear waters. They were dark and thick and had a force trying to pull me under. They rose far above my head. The only thing I knew to do was take a deep breath, plug my nose and dive under.
A friend reminded me that sometimes pain demands to be felt. I have a high tolerance to physical pain. Waking up with bruises I can’t explain. It’s spilled over into my emotions, I’ve built a tolerance for pain there as well. At times darkness will over cloud my soul and I don’t know why.
My goal and challenge for today is to allow the pain to be felt. Feelings are my friend. They are trying to tell me that there is something going on that needs my attention.
Being alone my not feel good, but today it is good FOR me.

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July 17, 2014

I’m learning a lot about myself. Friends are telling me the same thing, “boundaries! Set boundaries.”
I’ve noticed that when ever I spend any time talking to my Ex, I feel drained and even on the verge of depression. No, the conversations weren’t volatile. They were kind, friendly, small talk. Yet, I still come away with less energy. Yesterday we didn’t talk. I never initiate the texts. Anyway, I had so much energy by the end of the day!
The point I am trying to make, this morning, is that I need to set up some boundaries. I need to limit the amount of time we talk. Ironically he isn’t texting any of the children. He has their phone numbers. No, it’s me, because I am a compassionate giver.
No more. Boundaries are being constructed. I need all the energy for my children and myself.

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Ramen

Lucky me… His favorite food is Ramen Noodles!!

July 15, 2014

I forget that they are just as tired and weary as I am. This isn’t easy on ANY of us. We all have to use extra energy to get through our days and deal with our individual struggles. This little guy has been spoiled. He is our baby, and he is a picky eater. There is no more splurging for a while. You can’t have what I don’t have on hand. He doesn’t understand, and it frustrates him. Kids are resilient. They bounce back, but I need to remember that they are tired too.

I don’t miss him

July 13, 2014

I don’t miss him, not really. Then why do I feel these emotions? What are these? Where are they coming from? I don’t want him back. I don’t miss him. Sometimes I still feel sorry for him.
I want so badly to exceed him. To do and accomplish everything he said, I couldn’t. I want him to be lonely and miserable. I don’t want him to succeed. I want him to struggle.
Please forgive my transparency. I don’t want to feel this way. I suppose today, as I face the source of my emotions, it’s good to be honest.
As my 5yr old comes to check on me, he sees a tear roll down my cheek. He looks at me straight in the eyes, no words spoken. I smile at him really big, and he smiles back with a look of relief.
I’m not where I want to be with my emotions and my forgiveness toward him, but as I keep smiling, I’m letting my family know I will get there. Just give me time.

He walked away from everything, who was I to think that he wouldn’t walk away from me also.

“He walked away from everything, who was I to think that he wouldn’t walk away from me also.”

July 11, 2014

Those were my closing thoughts yesterday. Although my days are twice as busy now that I have all the responsibility of caring for my family. My days are more fulfilled. I feel accomplished. After setting a goal to not worry about what he thinks. It freed me to be myself and to do as I please.
Now that I am working for 2 people and being 2 parents, I do not have time for his childish BS. While I am working, he is sending back-to-back texts full of accusations and self-pity. I laugh. He has no job and is staying with his brother… He only has time to throw BS my way.
At the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I’ve accomplished many things. Not everything, but plenty. And oh! I forgot to reply to his text, go figure.

Trust Issues 

I want to believe I really do,
But trust isn’t something that comes easily
See, everytime guard lets down
My heart gets carried away evilly

I want to trust, I really do,
But trusting means becoming vulnerable
See, if I’m vulnerable, I can be hurt again, and that’s just not tolerable

I want to open up, I really do,
But opening up makes me feel threatened and unguarded
See, feeling threatened and unguarded makes me feel like I’m an open target.

I have trust issues, that’s plain to see
As I work on it, I hope I can be set free.

I’m Sorry

July 9, 2014

Don’t remind me

You’ve made that clear.

You don’t have to remind me.

I know you don’t want me.

It’s ok.

I accept it.

It took me a long time, but I accept it now.

I’m sorry I held on for so long.

I’m sorry my unwillingness to let go has prolonged the inevitable.

I really am sorry.

Oh, I’m not apologizing to you,

I’m apologizing to myself.