Category: Single-mom

Clean House

I like a clean, tidy, uncluttered home. Although, I don’t mind it to be lived in from time to time.

At this point I will now refer to my husband as my “ex”. After all, isn’t that the goal

My ex is extremely OCD and anal about having a clean home. He didn’t even think it should look like people lived here. He liked it to look like a “showcase” home at all times.
We have several children, and you can imagine how stressful it was for me to keep up with his demands to keep the house clean. Somehow, I managed it. I kept it neat, tidy, and uncluttered. After many years of living this way, I’ve adapted to enjoying the house more when it is clean. It’s less stressful. I feel like if my home is cluttered, then everything else in my life is, too. Possibly because I heard a preacher’s wife say those exact words, and it fit his belief system.
Since he left, the house has been a mess. Hang on, I have a few excuses. First, I am the sole provider of everything! So, I’m really busy. I am self-employed and run a cleaning service. Ironic.
Secondly, I think I quit because he demanded it. I stopped cleaning because it was what HE wanted.
Little by little, I am conquering my house again. This time, because I want it clean. He doesn’t live here anymore, so who cares what he thinks!

On a positive note, I cleaned out the fridge and found 2 beautiful Purple Haze Abita beers hiding behind all those biology projects. (Winning!)
Oh, and I do not judge people with messy homes, hoarders, or clutter. I don’t even like to complain about them (like he would). Their messes pay my bills.

Ramen

Lucky me… His favorite food is Ramen Noodles!!

July 15, 2014

I forget that they are just as tired and weary as I am. This isn’t easy on ANY of us. We all have to use extra energy to get through our days and deal with our individual struggles. This little guy has been spoiled. He is our baby, and he is a picky eater. There is no more splurging for a while. You can’t have what I don’t have on hand. He doesn’t understand, and it frustrates him. Kids are resilient. They bounce back, but I need to remember that they are tired too.

He walked away from everything, who was I to think that he wouldn’t walk away from me also.

“He walked away from everything, who was I to think that he wouldn’t walk away from me also.”

July 11, 2014

Those were my closing thoughts yesterday. Although my days are twice as busy now that I have all the responsibility of caring for my family. My days are more fulfilled. I feel accomplished. After setting a goal to not worry about what he thinks. It freed me to be myself and to do as I please.
Now that I am working for 2 people and being 2 parents, I do not have time for his childish BS. While I am working, he is sending back-to-back texts full of accusations and self-pity. I laugh. He has no job and is staying with his brother… He only has time to throw BS my way.
At the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I’ve accomplished many things. Not everything, but plenty. And oh! I forgot to reply to his text, go figure.

I can’t change that

July 7, 2014

Back to a busy work week. This week, I will work on bringing structure back to our lives. After I’ve been able to do that, to where I am comfortable with the way things are flowing, THEN I will be able to work on myself. Kids are so resilient. I’m not saying they are not affected. I am saying, they bounce back well. The younger ones, that is. My 13yr old daughter is struggling. She witnessed the entire happening. Yet that is her Daddy, and like any normal child, she didn’t want her Daddy to go so far away. I keep waiting for my 5yr old to ask when Daddy will be coming home, but he hasn’t, not yet.
I took a few days to think and clear my head as best as I could before I responded to my oldest daughter’s vicious letter. Today I will send her my response. I do not know what the outcome will be, but that is one thing I am choosing not to focus on. She is an adult and makes her own choices. I can not change that. Wow. I should carry this thought over into my failed marriage. “He is an adult, and makes his own choices, and I can not change that.” Wow. I felt a little pressure lift just then. Thank you, WP blogging! For a place where I can get this out and see it laid out in front of me.
Happy Monday!

Sunday draught 

July 6, 2014

No tears this bright Sunday morning. The drought has come; the rain is gone. My soul has been left dry and barren. I am numb.
I like this feeling better than the emotional feelings where everything comes out in tears. I feel more in control. Could it be because I am suppressing my feelings? Possibly. Today I feel like I can at least work on my house. Getting it back in order as I prepare for a busy work week.
I know it will take time to flush out my system from everything that 24 yrs has ingrained in me. So, suppressed I may be today, tomorrow is a new day. I will work on my house today, instead of me.

We keep ourselves so tied up in regretting the past and fearing the future that we don’t have any energy left to figure out who we are and what we want

Happy Sunday, ya’ll!
Peace, lov,e and Mist

Not today

july 5, 2014

I woke up still fully clothed. Last night’s whiskey bottle helped me to forget my circumstances for an evening. Of course, life was still the same when I woke up. Thoughts flood my mind. I am so anxious and determined to get past this! I am ready to move forward with my emotions. I feel like there are some things that I need to let go of. Places my thoughts continually go.
I want so badly to give him a list of everything he has done that has hurt me so. But I wouldn’t be content for him to just read that list; I would want him to embrace it, admit it is true, and then sincerely apologize for it all. I want to see him be regretful. I want him to confess that he f**ked up. I can’t make him. I can’t control that. Therefore, I need to let it go. Let go of my need for restitution.
Not today, though, while he sits at his brother’s house eating smoked ribs, etc. I lay in bed this morning, wondering what I would feed my children. I guess it’ll be Ramen noodles again today.
I really do want to move on. I will. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. I will, but not today.

Just a Rant

I have often considered getting a “normal” job, an 8-5 5 days a week job, but I know I could not make the same amount of money! Some days I work 14 hours other days I work 3. And sometimes I’m actually “off”.  Yes, it’s hard work. Yes, I’m still tired. But it’s worth it in the end.

Television and media make Entrepreneurs look glamorous. They do not show the dirt, the grime, the sweat, or the work it took to reach their end result. Although my self-employed job is not my first choice, it was a devoted choice that has taken a lot of perseverance and hard work. We started with literally $.00 in our pockets… We started from scratch and kept On scratching. We’ve not attained the “end desire,” but we are close. Days like today challenge my thoughts. I want to flip off the bigwigs while I work 10 hours doing all the work.
Is it worth it? Oh yes! VERY worth it!! My schedule normally consists of working Tuesday through Thursday for approximately 5-6 hours each day. Although for the past 2 weeks we have been working Monday- Friday, 6-10 hours. This is also a good thing, it means we are growing and going to a new (more $) stage. It will “even ou,t” and I will be back to my “normal” hours. But until
Then, I wanted to rant about the hard work.
Sincerely,
One tired, whiney titty baby

Learning to accept 

UPDATE: its been over a year since “dad” had any contact with his children… I accept it… BUT the problems he left me with, pisses me off!

Admitting there is a problem is half the cure. Isn’t that what they tell us?
I can finally admit that my ex-husband abandoned our children. Our precious 5yr old said he misses “Daddy” and asked why he left us. I didn’t have an answer for him. The next step is accepting that he abandoned everyone. It’s been a very emotional week for us. The children, especially, are beginning to show their pain and anger in different ways. Suicide attempts, rage, screaming, depression, … Just a few.
It been almost 10 weeks since he left. 10 weeks since he spoke to any of the children. 10 weeks. I haven’t accepted it completely yet, but I’m working on it, and as the weeks pass by, it gets easier because it is more obvious day by day.

My dysFUNctional family 

many revisions have been necessary along the way, but we are what we are,…

august 2014

It’s nothing to have 8 or more cars in my drive way, and a minimum of 14 people in my house on the weekends. I look out my window and see that the State Trooper has pulled over another speeder. I can’t help but wonder if they are ever suspicious of all the traffic and activity in my home. If they were to enter, they may not have a place to sit, but they could stand next to the other guy standing in the kitchen.
Words like “alone”, “peace”, “empty nest”, “quiet”, and “silence” do not exist in our family dictionary. I do not have a perfect family. We admit and own up to being dysfunctional. I really like what Sarah Palin said one evening when talking about her family. She said, “It works because we want it to”. I may not have the “ideal family”, but what we have works for us. And it is working more smoothly now that we are on our own. Go figure.

Pretty darn good 

August 2014
Each day presents it’s own set of challenges. Yesterday is the first day I actually felt like I’m getting some normalcy back into my life. I had routine and structure without feeling overwhelmed. The 2 biggest challenges I faced were paying the outrageous summer electric bill and remembering to check the mail. Checking the mail was something my ex did every single day. So, naturally I keep forgetting. And the mail box is way down there at the end of our drive way. If checking the mail was my biggest challenge then I think I’m doing pretty darn good.

IMG_4397.JPG