Category: Single-mom

Why are YOU in pain?

Why are YOU in pain?

A friend asked me today, “what is hurting YOU? Why are YOU in pain?” She is a widow. His death was sudden, and she was left with 3 young boys.

Pain is common among many people.

I have learned that though the circumstances causing the pain may be different for each person…. The feeling and the depth of the pain are pretty much the same.

I walk into her house, look around, and think, “These people can not see the light, because light always surrounds them.” Then I have to fight back the jealousy and resentment. And I remember that for those of us who live, linger, and remain in darkness …. the light always shines brightest.

I answered her question with my list of reasons, which are completely unrelated to her reasons…. Yet. We share something in common… Pain and single-motherhood

As The Day Approaches 

The time is soon approaching.
The court Martial and sentencing of my son.
I remember our last conversation…
He called me to tell me he had been arrested, but didn’t understand why.
I told him that his sister told me everything.

That was 6 months ago. He has not called me again since he found out that I know the truth.

I have been an emotional wreck. I’m having to be strong for my daughter, yet this is my son… My other older children ask me if I’ll ever contact him…
This is my response: “he is my son. I will always love him, but his crimes have forever changed our relationship.”
As the day approaches I envision seeing him in that court room…with his head hung low…no eye contact made…
I have no idea if I’ll be able to stay strong. No idea if I’ll start sobbing as if it were a death – Gawd knows that’s what this feels like – no idea his reaction or my reaction.
I just want it to be behind me.
But
As the day draws closer… I want to write him a letter… Just to remind him that I still love him.

  

Backside of the storm

Have you ever noticed how beautiful the BACK side of a storm is? The clouds are completely breath taking.

I’ve lived over 20 years in the region of the U.S. Considered “tornado alley”, and it’s always amazed me when I see the back side of a storm system. 

The more beautiful the clouds, the more severe the storm. 

There is a common phrase, “you are either entering a storm, in a storm or leaving a storm” (storms of life).

Not long after my divorce  I entered into one of the worst storms I have ever faced. It’s the kind that tears families apart. Destroys people and their emotional system …and more. We are still in the middle of this storm. Each day presents a different challenge, but at least I have the hope that  on the back side of THIS storm, it’s going to be BEAUTIFUL! 

  

July 17, 2015


What I want

I always said I was an independent woman. That I could take care of myself, etc. although this may be somewhat true it is also somewhat untrue. Everyone has an independent side to them, not everyone is capable of taking care of themselves. Oh yes I am capable. But what is hidden beneath the layer of my untruth is that I’m not as independent as I claim to be and I do not enjoy taking care of myself. I want to be cared for. Taken care of. (I’ll explain shortly what I mean.)

I said those things as self-preservation statements. They were to protect myself in attempt to not get hurt. They are cover statements to make myself look good, not needy and dependent. Yet lately, while I practice independence and taking care of all household responsibilities, I am realizing those statements to be untrue. 

Less than a year ago I joined a dating site. In my bio it talked about how independent I was and how I wasn’t looking for a marriage or father etc…because I did not want to attract another asshole who preys on weak needy women. I wanted to find a nice guy, and indeed I did, but now I feel like I’ve led that nice guy along. Led him to view me as someone I’m not. He was seeking an independent woman. He thought I was that. 

This past year has brought many struggles and tragedies to my family, but one thing it’s also brought is my need to find out who I am, and what I want.

1. I want to be provided for. Call me old-fashioned. I don’t care. But for 24yrs I lived in poverty because I chose to stay with a man who refused to be a financial provider for his family.

2. I do not want to be the one who is responsible for paying the bills. I have always been responsible for paying all the bills. I’ve always been the one who had to stress out when money was short.

3. I want an “allowance”. I do not want to be responsible for the management of the finances. Oh my god this is way to stressful. I want to be given a said amount of money (budget) to do grocery shopping etc.

4. I want a loving man who will love my children. I didn’t say I want a father, but a guy who cares about them as much as he cares about me because they are mine, and an extension of me. 

Do I want to get married again? I don’t know yet, but to the right man I think I would. To the man who makes me feel safe, loved, beautiful and cherished. 

July 7, 2015

I imagine him sitting there looking out the window at the top of the cell the only blue sky he can see in that window. Concrete walls surround him. I imagine him realizing how he fucked up his life. I imagine him thinking of me, missing his mom. He has lost his family, his friends and his freedom. He is my son and I will always love him but his sin has forever changed our relationship.

  

Fathers Day 2015

keeping it personal 
Father’s Day when the abandoned stay off facebook
Mother’s Day when those who’ve lost a child avoid facebook
Valentines when the broken hearted and lonely stay away.
We take for granted what we have, and give no thought of others.
I am so thankful I still have my Dad and that he’s never abandoned me, but today instead if plastering this on FB I think I will just tell him personally.
I know children who have lost their dads to various things this past year (death, abandonment, etc) the last thing they need or want to see is ANOTHER post about someone else’s Father.

  

May 15, 2015

May 15, 2015

I’M TIRED

Accustomed to doing things by myself and for myself. My ex husband wasn’t much of an emotional support. He did help around the house. And he would occasionally offer an arm for a hug. He was a human. Most humans do that. But…

I’ve had to be so strong for so many years, through all the abuse. 
But now I am tired. I am weary. I am lonely. 
I can understand why women jump back into other unhealthy relationships. 
Being 100% responsible for the financial and emotional support of a large family is hard! I wish I had a body to come home to at the end of the day to hold me, not just a voice. I wish I had someone to share the responsibility with me, not just financially but also the upkeep of the house, car maintenance and all those things women just aren’t so good at doing.  Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for what I DO have, but I’m tired. I’m tired of having to be the strong one. It would be nice if someone else could sub in for me for a day or two. Or better yet, help me with it everyday. 
Today just isn’t that day, so, I wipe away the tears… Go wake up the kids for school… Present myself strong for another day… Until I’m am by myself again.

  
But I’ll be ok in the end

May 14, 2015

Negative-vs-Positive 

It has occurred to me that 98% of my blog posts have been all about my woes and negative things happening in my life right now. It would almost appear that I never have anything positive to say. I’m an advocate of “positive thinking”, so I’d like to just say that I have a lot to be thankful for. There are positive things going on in my life. 

I blog my negatives to get them out so my family may get the positives. I am needing to be “strong” for my kids right now. So, you, wordpress family, you get to see my weak side so I can remain strong for my family. Thanks for your patience and understanding. ;) 

 

Mother’s Day 2015

A friend of mine posted on facebook how she believes it should be “Thankful Mothers Day” instead of “Happy”. Not everyone is happy this day. So many are grieving the loss of their mothers. Some have never met their mothers. Some moms are strung out on drugs. Some moms have lost custody of their children. There are so many variables that would or could make this an UNhappy Mother’s Day. Me? Oh, I’m spending my Mothers day visiting my suicidal son at the treatment center. Happy? No. Thankful? Yes. Thankful for life, thankful he is still alive. Thankful for all my other children who are doing their best to stay strong in the midst of a shitty year.

So, I bid you a THANKFUL Mother’s Day.
Peace (in the midst of all our storms)
Love (in spite of the hatred we feel towards our offenders)
and
Mist (yeah, that’s me… Just a vapor in this thing called “life”) 

 

May 10, 2015

I have found myself saying, “the hardest thing I’ve had to do”, over and over again. But here goes another time: the hardest thing I’ve had to do is let go of trying to keep my son alive.

He has attempted suicide twice, talked about it numerous times. 
His 13yr old sister looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “Mom, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.”
She is so right.
He is in a “treatment center” and they’re putting him in antidepressants… I told them he would just try to take the whole damn bottle. They told me that since he is a minor I am responsible to administer them to him. 
Oh great! Now I have to buy a safe? A lock? Wtf? Where am I supposed to hide these? The last bottle of pills he took … He took them right out of my purse! 
He is almost 17, I’ve not treated him as a child, but now they want me to administer medicine to him as if he’s a baby.  
I told the therapist who is supposed to be “helping” him, “I do not want to just treat his symptoms. Suicide and Major Depressive Disorder are only symptoms of something else going on inside of him. Can we please try to deal with the cause?” 
Oh… ((Insert big sigh here))… This is another one of those “hardest things I’ve had to do” this past year.