Category: Parenting

Wtf

labor day weekend 2014

What the fuckity fuck?
Tonight, my 16-year-old son came close to committing suicide. My oldest son found him curled up in a ball, crying with a loaded gun next to him. He dismantled the gun, put it in the truck, and went for a very long drive.
They talked for a long time, and in the process, my oldest said, “Let’s call Dad so he can talk to you”. So, they called Dad, and Dad refused to talk to him.
Wow. What father will not talk to his child who is on the verge of suicide??
All I can say is, “what the fuckity fuck??”
Well, his true self is surfacing for all to see.

Hate or Indifference 

August 2014 -ish
My day has been like a roller-coaster. I am still learning the art of Indifference. I no longer feel love for my ex-husband, but I’m trying to differentiate between hate and indifference. I guess as I sit here and write this post, I am answering my own question. If I have any feelings at all in the situation,n then it must not be indifference. Today, one of my daughters broke down in tears when I talked to her about her angry attitude she has been carrying. I told her I realize that she is lashing out at everyone because she is very hurt that her father makes no attempts to keep in touch with her, even though he has her phone number. To make it worse, he keeps in touch with her older sister and, occasionally, a younger one. Never her. She admitted to me that he is the reason for her anger. Of course, I understand. Today he contacted me, asked if “everyone was well”. I was shocked he even asked that! I told him I was shocked. He proceeded to tell me that I am having a bad attitude towards him, etc. I laughed. He definitely stirred some emotions, so I wasn’t being very indifferent today when I told him that I do not care what happens to him and that he is no longer worthy of my concern.
I’m still working on that indifference! I will get there. In the meantime, I hug the children and remind them that I am still here for them.

It is in my power

as I read theses blog posts that I wrote a year ago (almost exactly)… It jars memories but it also shows me how far we’ve come and how wonderful we are doing without him!

I haven’t written much lately regarding my separation. Honestly, I’ve been doing GREAT! Until these last few days. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still doing really good, but I’ve let him “get to me” a few times.
My oldest daughter (who originally wanted nothing to do with me at the beginning of this) has come around and started talking to me. She shared her hurts and pains about how he doesn’t keep in touch with her. She gave him a place to stay, gave him money, and other things. He does not respond to her attempts to contact him. I really like what she said. She said that he WANTS everyone to push him away, so he can sit back and be the victim. She also said that she refuses to give him that satisfaction. As she painfully continues to make contact with him.
It’s been a volatile week emotionally when it comes to him. I want to get to a place where I no longer let him have power over my emotions. I’ve already cussed him out on a few occasions. Gosh. I hate that I have stooped to his level. Thank goodness life is a journey of trial and error and learning. I still have a lot to learn. Today, my goal is to not to allow him power over me and my emotions. Wish me luck! :)

I’m proud 

August 2014

I’ve always tried to teach my children to be kind. Help people out who are in need. Tonight my 2 oldest boys made me proud. They noticed a lady stopped on the side of the road with a flat tire (we live on a highway). They took initiative to go out there and assist her. They changed her tire for her. The policeman arrived and stood as an observer. I’m sure my boys made a better impression of helping people then our local “protect and serve” state trooper. This has not been a good day. It has been a GREAT day.

A Good Day

I remember this day very well. We now have a great open relationship. Open about everything except that small period of time when she said she “hated” me. I have not brought it up, she hasn’t apologized, but I often wonder what was going through her mind during that time period.

August 2014
For the first time in over a month my 20yr old daughter spoke to me. When her father and I separated she wrote me a very hateful vicious letter. Said things like “I will never speak to you again, etc”. Last week she went school shopping for her siblings. I never denied her the freedom to continue their relationships.
A few weeks ago I sent her a brief text to remind her that I loved her and care about her and think of her often. Watching her father not make any effort to keep in touch with his younger children showed me how easy it would be for her to take my silence as “I don’t care”.
Today she walked in the house, looked at me and actually held a conversation with me. I am still in a state of shock, but am extremely happy about the progress! This is a good day.

I caved

I caved

About a month after the separation from my ex, somehow he convinced me to bring him home and “work it out” (for the sake of the kids).

August 2014
I’ve never considered myself a person with an addictive personality. I’ve done my share of drugs, drinking, etc. I’ve always been able to stop when I wanted. Without having withdrawals or extreme needs to go back to it. I’ve always been able to “take it or leave it.”
Things have transpired in the last week to show me that I actually do have an addictive personality. I’m not addicted to substances. I can’t quite put my finger on what to call it. So let me go into a little bit of what has happened.
To make a long story short, my husband is home. Yes, I allowed him back. I know, you don’t have to tell me. I’m insane. I’ve already questioned myself over and over. What was I thinking? Don’t get me wrong, he is being kind and sweet and all that goes along with making up after any fight, but I know in my heart I can’t give him that 100% that is necessary to make a relationship work. But I see the joy in my children’s faces now that their Dad is home. I buckled. I caved in. I think about how clean my house will be again. I think about how I hate being alone. I think I’m addicted to my struggle.