Category: Narcissists

Being vulnerable 

originally written from a Word Prompt…. A few months before my separation in 2014

I penned my heart and soul to you. 

 You grind your teeth and sneer. 

I wrote of love, devotion and friendship. 

You rolled your eyes as you crumpled my paper. 

I poured out my deepest feelings. 

You trampled them to ashes. 

It was 13 years ago yet I remember each detail vividly. 

I stopped writing because of you. 

I recently started writing again, because of you. 

Because of all the pain you caused my bleeding heart. 

Finally I could release my anger, pain, bitterness, fear and resentment. 

I faced them. 

 I faced you. 

You no longer scare me. 

But to share my writings with you leaves me open and vulnerable. 

Why? 

Do I value your opinion that much? 

I guess I do. 

 I want to trust you with my heart. 

 I want to open up. 

But I don’t want to feel so vulnerable or fall prey to your criticism. 

All I seek is your approval and value. 

I need to continue to remember that I am valued and approved by the One higher then you. 

Am I willing to risk being vulnerable to you? 

I want to,
I want to take that risk. 

I am scared. 

I am extremely protective of my heart. 

Maybe with little baby steps I can take the risk and allow myself to be vulnerable. 

 

Vulnerability – Don Charisma’s Prompt http://doncharisma.org/2014/05/07/vulnerability-don-charisma-s-prompt/

To the Trees

To the trees I will sing
To the trees I will scream
You will not see you affecting me

I will sing of love that’s lost
I will scream of what you cost
You will not hear me sing of love to thee

To the trees I will sing
To the trees I will scream
You will not see you affecting me

You will not see you affecting me

I will sing of darkness lit
I will scream of how hard this hit
You will not hear me screaming for you

To the trees I will sing
To the trees I will scream
You will not see you affecting me

You will not see you affecting me
You will not see you afflicting me

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Learning to accept 

UPDATE: its been over a year since “dad” had any contact with his children… I accept it… BUT the problems he left me with, pisses me off!

Admitting there is a problem is half the cure. Isn’t that what they tell us?
I can finally admit that my ex-husband abandoned our children. Our precious 5yr old said he misses “Daddy” and asked why he left us. I didn’t have an answer for him. The next step is accepting that he abandoned everyone. It’s been a very emotional week for us. The children, especially, are beginning to show their pain and anger in different ways. Suicide attempts, rage, screaming, depression, … Just a few.
It been almost 10 weeks since he left. 10 weeks since he spoke to any of the children. 10 weeks. I haven’t accepted it completely yet, but I’m working on it, and as the weeks pass by, it gets easier because it is more obvious day by day.

Wtf

labor day weekend 2014

What the fuckity fuck?
Tonight, my 16-year-old son came close to committing suicide. My oldest son found him curled up in a ball, crying with a loaded gun next to him. He dismantled the gun, put it in the truck, and went for a very long drive.
They talked for a long time, and in the process, my oldest said, “Let’s call Dad so he can talk to you”. So, they called Dad, and Dad refused to talk to him.
Wow. What father will not talk to his child who is on the verge of suicide??
All I can say is, “what the fuckity fuck??”
Well, his true self is surfacing for all to see.

Hate or Indifference 

August 2014 -ish
My day has been like a roller-coaster. I am still learning the art of Indifference. I no longer feel love for my ex-husband, but I’m trying to differentiate between hate and indifference. I guess as I sit here and write this post, I am answering my own question. If I have any feelings at all in the situation,n then it must not be indifference. Today, one of my daughters broke down in tears when I talked to her about her angry attitude she has been carrying. I told her I realize that she is lashing out at everyone because she is very hurt that her father makes no attempts to keep in touch with her, even though he has her phone number. To make it worse, he keeps in touch with her older sister and, occasionally, a younger one. Never her. She admitted to me that he is the reason for her anger. Of course, I understand. Today he contacted me, asked if “everyone was well”. I was shocked he even asked that! I told him I was shocked. He proceeded to tell me that I am having a bad attitude towards him, etc. I laughed. He definitely stirred some emotions, so I wasn’t being very indifferent today when I told him that I do not care what happens to him and that he is no longer worthy of my concern.
I’m still working on that indifference! I will get there. In the meantime, I hug the children and remind them that I am still here for them.

Pretty darn good 

August 2014
Each day presents it’s own set of challenges. Yesterday is the first day I actually felt like I’m getting some normalcy back into my life. I had routine and structure without feeling overwhelmed. The 2 biggest challenges I faced were paying the outrageous summer electric bill and remembering to check the mail. Checking the mail was something my ex did every single day. So, naturally I keep forgetting. And the mail box is way down there at the end of our drive way. If checking the mail was my biggest challenge then I think I’m doing pretty darn good.

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His Energy 

There are times and days that I can still feel him. No, not his touch. His energy. I feel him in my gut. He makes me anxious and nervous. I feel edgy. And then, low and behold, he will text. “I KNEW it”, I say to myself.
I’ve learned to recognize this feeling. I know it’s him. Now I need to learn how to not allow his energy to zap me of mine. I need to learn how to not allow these feelings to affect me in a negative way. I have a lot to learn in this process. How to help my children through this. How to manage our business, our home, our life , schooling…. everything all at the same time.
We will get there. One day at a time.

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Insanity 

Insanity 

insanity is doing the same thing yet expecting different results

August 2014
As fate or luck (or what ever you want to call it) would have it, my husband left again. We barely lasted 24 hours. What happened? You wonder. I wonder. Everyone asks. I told him I would not move out of state with him. He got so angry and started yelling at me. Then he threatened to move back to where he was staying. After a long night of talking, arguing, and wasted energy, I gave him the last of my money so he could leave.
At 4:44am, I heard the door latch close. Just like that. He is gone.
Today I will try to mend broken hearts again, because he did not even say goodbye to his children. What a bastard.
I will apologize to my children for letting my guard down and allowing him to come home. I must have been insane.

I caved

I caved

About a month after the separation from my ex, somehow he convinced me to bring him home and “work it out” (for the sake of the kids).

August 2014
I’ve never considered myself a person with an addictive personality. I’ve done my share of drugs, drinking, etc. I’ve always been able to stop when I wanted. Without having withdrawals or extreme needs to go back to it. I’ve always been able to “take it or leave it.”
Things have transpired in the last week to show me that I actually do have an addictive personality. I’m not addicted to substances. I can’t quite put my finger on what to call it. So let me go into a little bit of what has happened.
To make a long story short, my husband is home. Yes, I allowed him back. I know, you don’t have to tell me. I’m insane. I’ve already questioned myself over and over. What was I thinking? Don’t get me wrong, he is being kind and sweet and all that goes along with making up after any fight, but I know in my heart I can’t give him that 100% that is necessary to make a relationship work. But I see the joy in my children’s faces now that their Dad is home. I buckled. I caved in. I think about how clean my house will be again. I think about how I hate being alone. I think I’m addicted to my struggle.