Category: Family Trauma

It finally happened 

It finally happened 

I’ve been bottled up for quite some time. I was beginning to wonder if I had lost my tears

Or if I’d forgotten how to cry
My daughter said today, “You used to be so happy.”

But I couldn’t tell her half the reasons why I lost my smile

She’d feel guilty and regret her confessions.
So I pawned it off on her two brothers, who can’t seem to stay off of drugs or out of trouble … Yeah, them… They’re the reason I stay exhausted and emotionless
But the truth is due to a combination of things…
This week, I sifted through my son’s belongings… The one in prison… I wasn’t prepared for that walk down memory lane.

This evening I called the sheriff on my 2  sons for smoking pot out back….
I have so many goals … So many dreams… This is not how my family was supposed to turn out…

I still have more goals and dreams, but I am finding it harder and harder to see how they can or will be accomplished.
So tonight … It happened…
I cried
Everything bottled up started to ooze out… Just enough to tighten the seal back up.

So
Here I sit.

Emotionless again.

Agelast

Sitting in a 10×10 room. There are 7 of us. 4 chairs and a table with 2 magazines.
Everyone around me is giggling and laughing tying to make light of a very heavy situation.
I’m sitting on the floor. I feel as though I’m just a fly on the wall. Their antics are not funny to me. Their mirth just irritates me.
I have tunnel vision. It’s as if they are just a fog surrounding me.
My son has just confessed to every crime he has been accused of.
I am numb. I can barely breathe much less smile. The defense attorneys summon me outside the 10×10 box.
They ask me, “would you like an opportunity to talk to your son? You do understand he will be going away for a very long time”.
Emotionless I gaze into their eyes and answer, “yes. Please.”
They lead me into a room where I see my son sobbing on the other side of the glass. His head in his arms.
I place my hand on the glass hoping he would reach out. I sit and watch him cry, tears streaming down my face. He looks up and repeatedly says, “I’m sorry Mom, I’m sorry Mom, I’m sorry mom…” And puts his head back down. I said, “son. Look at me.”
My hand still on the glass. He looks up.
I said, “son, I forgive you.”
He shakes his head as more tears stream down his face.
Then his hand rests on the glass against where mine is.
We keep our hands there in an attempt to feel a hug. This is our goodbye.
I reminded him that I love him, as I walk out of the room sobbing through my tunnel that I can barely see a few feet in front of me. Back into the room of mirth where I sit quietly, agelast.
Agelast – Forget your faith

I hope

I hope

As I sit upon the witness chair
At the judge I’m supposed to stare
Give my story, my heart I’ll bare
Beg for a sentence long and fair

Explain how hard it’s been to cope
May confess how I’ve turned to dope
Through words of emotion I will grope
Hold myself together, is my hope

I’ll tell of memories I hold dear
Then tell of what I now most fear
All his charges I dread to hear
When it’s over I’ll seek a beer.

I walk in numbness, dread and pain
The thought of seeing him again
Is nothing more than a mental strain
My love for him I need to explain

I just want to hold him one last time
Regardless of the type of his crime
My soul and heart aches and pines
knowing he may be away for a lifetime

Will they let me see him?
I hope
Will they let me hug him?
I hope.
Will he want to see me?
I hope.
I hope.
I hope.

A living hell

“Youre making my life a living hell!” He said as he turned to walk up the stairs.Two weeks ago, I petitioned for a court-ordered family intervention, in an attempt for him to get clean and go back to therapy. He now has to succumb to random drug testing and pass before he can get his driver’s license.

Yesterday, I sold his brother’s Camry, which has sat in our driveway for 2 years. TWO YEARS! Flat tires, a dead battery, and in desperate need of brake work. So he was also angry about that. Mad that it wasn’t given to him. He said a few other things, then told me I was obligated to buy him alcohol, and if I didn’t, he would drink mine.

“I make YOUR life a living hell??” “You call THIS hell? I provide you with food, a nice bed and bedroom to sleep in, I take you wherever you want to go whenever you want to go there. You call this hell?”

I tell you what a “living hell” is! Living hell is having a different son who is a child molester. Living hell is being subpoenaed to watch his trial and sentencing. Living hell is wondering what will be the next thing to set you, YOU, child of complaints, off. Will you try to kill yourself again to escape “YOUR living hell”? “Living hell” is wondering whether you will have the initiative to graduate from high school. Do you want me to continue? I can.

I have other complaints, other hells. Living hell is remembering the day my ex-husband held my 22-year-old son up against the wall by the throat and screamed in His face, “I hate you!! NEVER call me dad again!!” Because he wasn’t his biological father, even though he raised him from 6mths old. “Living hell” is remembering the time he threw my 3rd born son against the house, grabbing and twisting his shirt so tight a button flew off. “Living hell” was that day he threw the 5th born up against the fridge, suspending him in the air, holding him by the neck. “Living hell” is my life every time I have one of those memories…. It’s like reliving them all over again.

So, son, go ahead and explain to me HOW your life is a living hell.

May 10, 2015

I have found myself saying, “the hardest thing I’ve had to do”, over and over again. But here goes another time: the hardest thing I’ve had to do is let go of trying to keep my son alive.

He has attempted suicide twice, talked about it numerous times. 
His 13yr old sister looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “Mom, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.”
She is so right.
He is in a “treatment center” and they’re putting him in antidepressants… I told them he would just try to take the whole damn bottle. They told me that since he is a minor I am responsible to administer them to him. 
Oh great! Now I have to buy a safe? A lock? Wtf? Where am I supposed to hide these? The last bottle of pills he took … He took them right out of my purse! 
He is almost 17, I’ve not treated him as a child, but now they want me to administer medicine to him as if he’s a baby.  
I told the therapist who is supposed to be “helping” him, “I do not want to just treat his symptoms. Suicide and Major Depressive Disorder are only symptoms of something else going on inside of him. Can we please try to deal with the cause?” 
Oh… ((Insert big sigh here))… This is another one of those “hardest things I’ve had to do” this past year.  

 

April 24, 2015

CONFIDENCE

 

Suppressing my feelings is nothing new to me. It’s a learned trait. I’ve been doing it for 20 years or more … I hold in my feelings because I don’t want to hurt anyone, yet I am breaking and bleeding inside, hurting myself instead.

I want to say all that’s on my mind, but I fear the outcome. Fear that whatever I’ve been worrying about is really the truth and reality. Maybe I do live in a fantasy world. Maybe I do wish for things that are unattainable.
Is it too much to ask for stability? Too much to ask for something that my kids can put confidence in?  At this point i feel like I should teach my kids to only put confidence in themselves because everyone else will
disappoint them.   

March 12, 2015

I thought I had accepted my ex husbands lack of communication with my children.  But it does something to a mothers heart when her children come to her crying because Dad won’t answer or return calls nor respond to texts.

Earlier this week we had an emergency involving one of the children and I felt that it would only be the right thing to let “Dad” know what was going on. I called and left him a pleasant message, then texted him asking him to call when he had a chance because there is a child related. Emergency.  He sent me a text that stated, “I’m not calling.”  At this point I’m still calm and understanding because he and I can not be near each other without a fight ensuing. I reminded him that if I was actually willing to speak with him on the phone then it must be pretty serious. His response was, “text it or handle it”.  So I went ahead and texted to horrible news to him.  He said, “I care nothing of what you need to do, handle it” I said, “ok, I’ll pass this on to _____” (the child in this emergency)
His dickhead response was  “whatever”.
I know I need to move forward and move on with my life… And I will, but it’s the stress of dealing with the broken hearts of my children that’s wearing me down. That poor child may never trust a man again. And i don’t blame her. Will I be able to trust again? 

March 10, 2015

I thought that leaving an abusive marriage after 24 years was hard. Even more difficult was when their father refused to reply to the children’s  texts.  But last week threw me a curve ball.  The hardest thing I have yet to  face. The words  I heard coming out of my daughters lips.   Never did I ever imagine it could or would happen to my family.  I knew what I had to do. I knew what the right thing was, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Just because it’s right, Doesn’t make it easy.  I had to make the call. I had to tell them what I knew and what I’ve been told. 

Here I am, newly single mom, sole-provider… Financially, emotionally and any other “ly” necessary. Here I am trying to be strong, yet so broken. I don’t remember the last night I remained sober. Some things you just don’t want to think about or remember.   I have to be strong for my daughter, but yet I know in my heart this means I have lost a son. The pain of knowing the truth isn’t as hard as the pain of the precious memories I have.
I thought about Going to get on antidepressants… But I’m already numb, I already sleep well from mental and physical exhaustion… I don’t need anything that’ll suppress the sex drive… That’s my only release! Oh … To be able to start life over, wouldn’t that be grand? 



Life Changer

NOVEMBER 16, 2014
Here is the quote that challenged my thinking in regards to my marriage. I knew this quote was for me the moment I read it. I kept it and would read it several times a day.

End it now! Don’t waste another minute dealing with a toxic, negative, energy draining person. Some people are wired for negativity. They love being argumentative, combative and abusive. Run for your life as quickly as possible. Life is too short and unpredictable to deal with these emotional vampires, they feed off stressing you out, raising hell and creating drama for you. Their toxic energy will turn your hair gray overnight, cause you to gain weight and rob you of your health. Don’t waste valuable time trying to change them. Change yourself and get them out of your life!

Don’t say a word; leave all of your belongings if you have to in the middle of the night. Cut off all communication. Don’t take their calls. You have heard their Lies before. They will not change. They didn’t choose to change. It’s who they have decided to be.

Move to another city, if you must, and start all over again. Your life is worth it. You deserve to have peace of mind, a great relationship and an exciting life. Watch how dramatically your life will change for the better once you get this burden off your back. The Air you breathe will become fresh and invigorating. You will feel an infusion of exuberance, energy and love for life . With this stifling, suffocating and controlling person out of your life, get ready to live again and be the person that you’ve always wanted to be. Live life in your own terms not having to answer to anyone but yourself. Control your own destiny. You have something special . You have greatness within you.”
-Les Brown

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