Category: The Journey of Healing

He walked away from everything, who was I to think that he wouldn’t walk away from me also.

“He walked away from everything, who was I to think that he wouldn’t walk away from me also.”

July 11, 2014

Those were my closing thoughts yesterday. Although my days are twice as busy now that I have all the responsibility of caring for my family. My days are more fulfilled. I feel accomplished. After setting a goal to not worry about what he thinks. It freed me to be myself and to do as I please.
Now that I am working for 2 people and being 2 parents, I do not have time for his childish BS. While I am working, he is sending back-to-back texts full of accusations and self-pity. I laugh. He has no job and is staying with his brother… He only has time to throw BS my way.
At the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I’ve accomplished many things. Not everything, but plenty. And oh! I forgot to reply to his text, go figure.

Trust Issues 

I want to believe I really do,
But trust isn’t something that comes easily
See, everytime guard lets down
My heart gets carried away evilly

I want to trust, I really do,
But trusting means becoming vulnerable
See, if I’m vulnerable, I can be hurt again, and that’s just not tolerable

I want to open up, I really do,
But opening up makes me feel threatened and unguarded
See, feeling threatened and unguarded makes me feel like I’m an open target.

I have trust issues, that’s plain to see
As I work on it, I hope I can be set free.

I’m Sorry

July 9, 2014

Don’t remind me

You’ve made that clear.

You don’t have to remind me.

I know you don’t want me.

It’s ok.

I accept it.

It took me a long time, but I accept it now.

I’m sorry I held on for so long.

I’m sorry my unwillingness to let go has prolonged the inevitable.

I really am sorry.

Oh, I’m not apologizing to you,

I’m apologizing to myself.

I can’t change that

July 7, 2014

Back to a busy work week. This week, I will work on bringing structure back to our lives. After I’ve been able to do that, to where I am comfortable with the way things are flowing, THEN I will be able to work on myself. Kids are so resilient. I’m not saying they are not affected. I am saying, they bounce back well. The younger ones, that is. My 13yr old daughter is struggling. She witnessed the entire happening. Yet that is her Daddy, and like any normal child, she didn’t want her Daddy to go so far away. I keep waiting for my 5yr old to ask when Daddy will be coming home, but he hasn’t, not yet.
I took a few days to think and clear my head as best as I could before I responded to my oldest daughter’s vicious letter. Today I will send her my response. I do not know what the outcome will be, but that is one thing I am choosing not to focus on. She is an adult and makes her own choices. I can not change that. Wow. I should carry this thought over into my failed marriage. “He is an adult, and makes his own choices, and I can not change that.” Wow. I felt a little pressure lift just then. Thank you, WP blogging! For a place where I can get this out and see it laid out in front of me.
Happy Monday!

Sunday draught 

July 6, 2014

No tears this bright Sunday morning. The drought has come; the rain is gone. My soul has been left dry and barren. I am numb.
I like this feeling better than the emotional feelings where everything comes out in tears. I feel more in control. Could it be because I am suppressing my feelings? Possibly. Today I feel like I can at least work on my house. Getting it back in order as I prepare for a busy work week.
I know it will take time to flush out my system from everything that 24 yrs has ingrained in me. So, suppressed I may be today, tomorrow is a new day. I will work on my house today, instead of me.

We keep ourselves so tied up in regretting the past and fearing the future that we don’t have any energy left to figure out who we are and what we want

Happy Sunday, ya’ll!
Peace, lov,e and Mist

Not today

july 5, 2014

I woke up still fully clothed. Last night’s whiskey bottle helped me to forget my circumstances for an evening. Of course, life was still the same when I woke up. Thoughts flood my mind. I am so anxious and determined to get past this! I am ready to move forward with my emotions. I feel like there are some things that I need to let go of. Places my thoughts continually go.
I want so badly to give him a list of everything he has done that has hurt me so. But I wouldn’t be content for him to just read that list; I would want him to embrace it, admit it is true, and then sincerely apologize for it all. I want to see him be regretful. I want him to confess that he f**ked up. I can’t make him. I can’t control that. Therefore, I need to let it go. Let go of my need for restitution.
Not today, though, while he sits at his brother’s house eating smoked ribs, etc. I lay in bed this morning, wondering what I would feed my children. I guess it’ll be Ramen noodles again today.
I really do want to move on. I will. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. I will, but not today.

Fueled my fire

2014

Another day, a lot more tears. I am lying in a pit of self-pity, looking up through the opening at the beautiful blue sky. It feels like there are vines tangled around my heart, holding me down.
My oldest daughter sent me the most vicious, hateful letter last night. She said things just like the pro she learned from, her father. Words too vile to print on this screen. Emotions, I hope NO mother ever hears from a child. I literally have chest pains. If I weren’t under so much stress and heartache right now, I would run myself to the ER.
I see a passing cloud, as tears pour out of my eyes. I can’t move. No, I can, but I don’t want to.
He has already purchased a new truck for himself, while I drive the shit he left me with that needs a new radiator.

Ariana Grande has a song, “Problem”. My other daughter brings her radio and iPod into my room and plays me the song. “I’ve got one less problem without ya”. Our motto.

I feel heat. It’s in my soul, a fire, burning. I can feel it burning at these vines that are holding me down. The vines are helpless; they are so fragile compared to the fire that’s growing. From the glow of the fire, I can see more vines going all the way to the top. I will arise. I will climb out and conquer this day.

My son sent me this text: “We can do this. We will do this. It’s gonna be better than it ever has been. It’ll be hard but it’ll be worth it. Don’t get down. That’s what the purpose was behind all of this. To make us get down and depressed. Don’t let them have that power over you. Rise above so that one day they will look up from whatever out they find themselves in and realize their mistake.”

It’s a bonfire now!!!