He invades my thoughts I want him out. He came to me in my dream and turned it into a nightmare. It was full of violence. It felt so real that when I woke up I was so drained of energy. I know I can choose one thought over another, but I feel so vulnerable when it comes to sleep. I am afraid he will visit again. I am so tired. Tonight I sip some wine in hopes I sleep through any dream invasions.
WHILE I HEAL
I want to erase every memory of my ex. I want to forget his very existence.
Surely this can’t be healthy.
I do not want to be consumed with bitterness and resentment. Though this is where I am. I don’t want him coming to me in my dreams. He isn’t welcome there. He turns them into violent nightmares.
Oh how often I wished he would die. Yet he remains. I wish I had never met him.
I will forever see his face in the faces of my children.
I do not even want him to be a memory. He is no longer a piece of me.
At some point I hope this feeling gets flushed out of my system. It doesn’t feel good. It is not me, but the feelings are here. The pain is real, demanding yet again to be felt.
Doctors give us 6-8 weeks for recovery after surgery. It’s been less then that since our separation. So I will give myself time and space to continue to heal.
EMOTIONLESS
Emotionless I stand
Eyes glazed
Mind dazed
Indifferent I sit
Body cold
Feeling old
Detached I lay
Heart numb
Feeling glum
Distant I remain
Blank stare
Soul spared
Here I lay
Near I sit
In feeling I stand
In passion I will rise
Those boundaries I was supposed to be setting aren’t real sturdy. I let my guard down today. I let my ex get to me. Now I feel so emotionless, so numb. Just a human existence. I discovered my kitty curled up “asleep”. All day I’ve been asking where she was, no one had seen her. Then I found her. No longer breathing. All I can do is let out a breath. A big sigh. I have no tears. I can’t even feel. I see tears stream down my 5yr olds face. I am not moved. I hold him close. Try my best to comfort him. Tonight, Mommy doesn’t have much comfort to give. All I have is my embrace, and I hope that is enough.
pain demands to be felt
I felt the darkness closing in on me like a flood. It’s dark waters rose higher and higher until it was over my head. Even though I know how to swim these waters were different then clear waters. They were dark and thick and had a force trying to pull me under. They rose far above my head. The only thing I knew to do was take a deep breath, plug my nose and dive under.
A friend reminded me that sometimes pain demands to be felt. I have a high tolerance to physical pain. Waking up with bruises I can’t explain. It’s spilled over into my emotions, I’ve built a tolerance for pain there as well. At times darkness will over cloud my soul and I don’t know why.
My goal and challenge for today is to allow the pain to be felt. Feelings are my friend. They are trying to tell me that there is something going on that needs my attention.
Being alone my not feel good, but today it is good FOR me.
I’m learning a lot about myself. Friends are telling me the same thing, “boundaries! Set boundaries.”
I’ve noticed that when ever I spend any time talking to my Ex, I feel drained and even on the verge of depression. No, the conversations weren’t volatile. They were kind, friendly, small talk. Yet, I still come away with less energy. Yesterday we didn’t talk. I never initiate the texts. Anyway, I had so much energy by the end of the day!
The point I am trying to make, this morning, is that I need to set up some boundaries. I need to limit the amount of time we talk. Ironically he isn’t texting any of the children. He has their phone numbers. No, it’s me, because I am a compassionate giver.
No more. Boundaries are being constructed. I need all the energy for my children and myself.
I like a clean, tidy, uncluttered home. Although, I don’t mind it to be lived in from time to time.
At this point I will now refer to my husband as my “ex”. After all, isn’t that the goal
My ex is extremely OCD and anal about having a clean home. He didn’t even think it should look like people lived here. He liked it to look like a “showcase” home at all times.
We have several children, and you can imagine how stressful it was for me to keep up with his demands to keep the house clean. Somehow, I managed it. I kept it neat, tidy, and uncluttered. After many years of living this way, I’ve adapted to enjoying the house more when it is clean. It’s less stressful. I feel like if my home is cluttered, then everything else in my life is, too. Possibly because I heard a preacher’s wife say those exact words, and it fit his belief system.
Since he left, the house has been a mess. Hang on, I have a few excuses. First, I am the sole provider of everything! So, I’m really busy. I am self-employed and run a cleaning service. Ironic.
Secondly, I think I quit because he demanded it. I stopped cleaning because it was what HE wanted.
Little by little, I am conquering my house again. This time, because I want it clean. He doesn’t live here anymore, so who cares what he thinks!
On a positive note, I cleaned out the fridge and found 2 beautiful Purple Haze Abita beers hiding behind all those biology projects. (Winning!)
Oh, and I do not judge people with messy homes, hoarders, or clutter. I don’t even like to complain about them (like he would). Their messes pay my bills.
Lucky me… His favorite food is Ramen Noodles!!
July 15, 2014
I forget that they are just as tired and weary as I am. This isn’t easy on ANY of us. We all have to use extra energy to get through our days and deal with our individual struggles. This little guy has been spoiled. He is our baby, and he is a picky eater. There is no more splurging for a while. You can’t have what I don’t have on hand. He doesn’t understand, and it frustrates him. Kids are resilient. They bounce back, but I need to remember that they are tired too.
The walls are closing in on me
So fast, their vacuum force is sucking the breath right from my lungs.
I feel trapped.
I feel I can’t breathe.
I feel I can’t move as they get closer and closer.
It’s getting stuffy, almost stifling hot.
The air is thick, and my chest feels heavy.
It’s getting dark, my breaths are shallow.
It’s getting harder and harder to breathe.
I can’t see; there is no light in here.
Total darkness.
They’re moving closer and closer;
I can feel the corners.
It’s pressing on me faster and faster, with increasing urgency.
My arms and legs can’t keep the walls from getting closer.
Trying with all my might, pushing as hard as I can.
I am no match for the strength of these walls.
Walls are supposed to be for our protection
But theses walls are going to be the death of me.
July 13, 2014
I don’t miss him, not really. Then why do I feel these emotions? What are these? Where are they coming from? I don’t want him back. I don’t miss him. Sometimes I still feel sorry for him.
I want so badly to exceed him. To do and accomplish everything he said, I couldn’t. I want him to be lonely and miserable. I don’t want him to succeed. I want him to struggle.
Please forgive my transparency. I don’t want to feel this way. I suppose today, as I face the source of my emotions, it’s good to be honest.
As my 5yr old comes to check on me, he sees a tear roll down my cheek. He looks at me straight in the eyes, no words spoken. I smile at him really big, and he smiles back with a look of relief.
I’m not where I want to be with my emotions and my forgiveness toward him, but as I keep smiling, I’m letting my family know I will get there. Just give me time.
Yoli's Write To Sanity 