Category: The Journey of Healing

Light in the Tunnel

When your walking through life…

And you feel so alone…

You’ve been crawling around searching for hope …

searching for light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s so dark inside,

you can feel it around you,

squeezing the life out of you.

You can feel the life’s fingers pulling you down…

It’s gripping and pulls you in…

You feel like you can’t go on.
But what you don’t understand is that

when you can’t see the light,

It’s because the light in that tunnel is you.
Turn around, look behind you

See all the people

They are following so closely

They keep searching for light

and the light that they see

is you

at the end of their tunnel..

So
Stand up!

Pick yourself up!

Get off your knees,

You can’t be the light

if you’re crawling around

Stabbing Words

verbal abuse is more harmful than physical abuse

Your words are like stab wounds
Penetrating deeply
As warm blood gently spills
Out into ink
A stab to the arm
No longer able to hold you
Or my babies
A stab to the neck
Where your kisses used to fall
A stab to the leg
So I can no longer run
Run away from you
A stab to my stomach
Where I had this gut feeling
That all of the past would
Eventually come back to haunt
A stab to the chest
I can no longer breathe
A stab to the heart
No more love to be felt
Multiple stab wounds from
Multiple words have left me
Writhing in pain and despair
Breathless and speechless
And no longer a care

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Being vulnerable 

originally written from a Word Prompt…. A few months before my separation in 2014

I penned my heart and soul to you. 

 You grind your teeth and sneer. 

I wrote of love, devotion and friendship. 

You rolled your eyes as you crumpled my paper. 

I poured out my deepest feelings. 

You trampled them to ashes. 

It was 13 years ago yet I remember each detail vividly. 

I stopped writing because of you. 

I recently started writing again, because of you. 

Because of all the pain you caused my bleeding heart. 

Finally I could release my anger, pain, bitterness, fear and resentment. 

I faced them. 

 I faced you. 

You no longer scare me. 

But to share my writings with you leaves me open and vulnerable. 

Why? 

Do I value your opinion that much? 

I guess I do. 

 I want to trust you with my heart. 

 I want to open up. 

But I don’t want to feel so vulnerable or fall prey to your criticism. 

All I seek is your approval and value. 

I need to continue to remember that I am valued and approved by the One higher then you. 

Am I willing to risk being vulnerable to you? 

I want to,
I want to take that risk. 

I am scared. 

I am extremely protective of my heart. 

Maybe with little baby steps I can take the risk and allow myself to be vulnerable. 

 

Vulnerability – Don Charisma’s Prompt http://doncharisma.org/2014/05/07/vulnerability-don-charisma-s-prompt/

To the Trees

To the trees I will sing
To the trees I will scream
You will not see you affecting me

I will sing of love that’s lost
I will scream of what you cost
You will not hear me sing of love to thee

To the trees I will sing
To the trees I will scream
You will not see you affecting me

You will not see you affecting me

I will sing of darkness lit
I will scream of how hard this hit
You will not hear me screaming for you

To the trees I will sing
To the trees I will scream
You will not see you affecting me

You will not see you affecting me
You will not see you afflicting me

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You’re going to make it

Your gonna make it through

You may not truly understand
Why did you face such sorrows
Those times have felt like quicksand
Like there’s no tomorrow

Every time you faced a tragedy
You found it hard to grow
When surrounded by depravity
You said it’s time to go

You have more going for you
More than you really know
You’re a person of great value
A friend, not a foe

You’re going to make it through this
It’s going to be ok
An end to this sorrow
An end to your dismay

You’re going to make it through this
It’s going to be ok

Learning to accept 

UPDATE: its been over a year since “dad” had any contact with his children… I accept it… BUT the problems he left me with, pisses me off!

Admitting there is a problem is half the cure. Isn’t that what they tell us?
I can finally admit that my ex-husband abandoned our children. Our precious 5yr old said he misses “Daddy” and asked why he left us. I didn’t have an answer for him. The next step is accepting that he abandoned everyone. It’s been a very emotional week for us. The children, especially, are beginning to show their pain and anger in different ways. Suicide attempts, rage, screaming, depression, … Just a few.
It been almost 10 weeks since he left. 10 weeks since he spoke to any of the children. 10 weeks. I haven’t accepted it completely yet, but I’m working on it, and as the weeks pass by, it gets easier because it is more obvious day by day.

Wtf

labor day weekend 2014

What the fuckity fuck?
Tonight, my 16-year-old son came close to committing suicide. My oldest son found him curled up in a ball, crying with a loaded gun next to him. He dismantled the gun, put it in the truck, and went for a very long drive.
They talked for a long time, and in the process, my oldest said, “Let’s call Dad so he can talk to you”. So, they called Dad, and Dad refused to talk to him.
Wow. What father will not talk to his child who is on the verge of suicide??
All I can say is, “what the fuckity fuck??”
Well, his true self is surfacing for all to see.

Something to write about 

UPDATE: Omg I’m so glad he found another woman and no longer harasses me!

After a full week of harassing texts of accusations and cursing’s sent to me by my ex-husband I am confident and secure in my decision to pursue a divorce. I was confident before, but this week was confirmation that I’m doing the right thing. Amid all these accusatory texts, he would also apologize and beg me to give him another chance. I tell him “no” each time. After one of his apologies, I told him, “It’s ok. You give me something to write about”. As I stare at the Blurb icon on my computer screen.

Not really Alone

I can not remember the last time I had Southern Comfort! Apparently it was this night.

Sitting on the porch alone.
Alone with myself.
Alone with my thoughts.
Just alone.
I share a beer with the Mosquitos,
Wishing I could share it with another adult.
This is the downside of separation and divorce, and it’s what I feared the most.
Although I hate being alone, I would rather be alone (hopefully it’s temporary) than be with my ex.
Life has still been stressful, but it’s been a different kind of stress. A peaceful stress. Is that an oxymoron?
There’s no moon to brighten the night,
Only a few stars.
I am serenaded by the cicadas and frogs.
The road in front of my house is busy tonight.
Occasionally, I feel a spider trying to caress my shoulders, as I protest.
I realize I’m really not alone. I just FEEL alone, and feeling alone is a lonely feeling.
A shot or two of Southern Comfort and another beer should fix this feeling.
Soon I will be sleeping.
I will awake to a new day and the sun shining brightly, as summer relentlessly tries to hang around a little longer.
But I will be refreshed, renewed, and have more determination tomorrow than I did today. ;)