Category: Domestic Abuse

Fueled my fire

2014

Another day, a lot more tears. I am lying in a pit of self-pity, looking up through the opening at the beautiful blue sky. It feels like there are vines tangled around my heart, holding me down.
My oldest daughter sent me the most vicious, hateful letter last night. She said things just like the pro she learned from, her father. Words too vile to print on this screen. Emotions, I hope NO mother ever hears from a child. I literally have chest pains. If I weren’t under so much stress and heartache right now, I would run myself to the ER.
I see a passing cloud, as tears pour out of my eyes. I can’t move. No, I can, but I don’t want to.
He has already purchased a new truck for himself, while I drive the shit he left me with that needs a new radiator.

Ariana Grande has a song, “Problem”. My other daughter brings her radio and iPod into my room and plays me the song. “I’ve got one less problem without ya”. Our motto.

I feel heat. It’s in my soul, a fire, burning. I can feel it burning at these vines that are holding me down. The vines are helpless; they are so fragile compared to the fire that’s growing. From the glow of the fire, I can see more vines going all the way to the top. I will arise. I will climb out and conquer this day.

My son sent me this text: “We can do this. We will do this. It’s gonna be better than it ever has been. It’ll be hard but it’ll be worth it. Don’t get down. That’s what the purpose was behind all of this. To make us get down and depressed. Don’t let them have that power over you. Rise above so that one day they will look up from whatever out they find themselves in and realize their mistake.”

It’s a bonfire now!!!

Stabbing Words

verbal abuse is more harmful than physical abuse

Your words are like stab wounds
Penetrating deeply
As warm blood gently spills
Out into ink
A stab to the arm
No longer able to hold you
Or my babies
A stab to the neck
Where your kisses used to fall
A stab to the leg
So I can no longer run
Run away from you
A stab to my stomach
Where I had this gut feeling
That all of the past would
Eventually come back to haunt
A stab to the chest
I can no longer breathe
A stab to the heart
No more love to be felt
Multiple stab wounds from
Multiple words have left me
Writhing in pain and despair
Breathless and speechless
And no longer a care

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Being vulnerable 

originally written from a Word Prompt…. A few months before my separation in 2014

I penned my heart and soul to you. 

 You grind your teeth and sneer. 

I wrote of love, devotion and friendship. 

You rolled your eyes as you crumpled my paper. 

I poured out my deepest feelings. 

You trampled them to ashes. 

It was 13 years ago yet I remember each detail vividly. 

I stopped writing because of you. 

I recently started writing again, because of you. 

Because of all the pain you caused my bleeding heart. 

Finally I could release my anger, pain, bitterness, fear and resentment. 

I faced them. 

 I faced you. 

You no longer scare me. 

But to share my writings with you leaves me open and vulnerable. 

Why? 

Do I value your opinion that much? 

I guess I do. 

 I want to trust you with my heart. 

 I want to open up. 

But I don’t want to feel so vulnerable or fall prey to your criticism. 

All I seek is your approval and value. 

I need to continue to remember that I am valued and approved by the One higher then you. 

Am I willing to risk being vulnerable to you? 

I want to,
I want to take that risk. 

I am scared. 

I am extremely protective of my heart. 

Maybe with little baby steps I can take the risk and allow myself to be vulnerable. 

 

Vulnerability – Don Charisma’s Prompt http://doncharisma.org/2014/05/07/vulnerability-don-charisma-s-prompt/

To the Trees

To the trees I will sing
To the trees I will scream
You will not see you affecting me

I will sing of love that’s lost
I will scream of what you cost
You will not hear me sing of love to thee

To the trees I will sing
To the trees I will scream
You will not see you affecting me

You will not see you affecting me

I will sing of darkness lit
I will scream of how hard this hit
You will not hear me screaming for you

To the trees I will sing
To the trees I will scream
You will not see you affecting me

You will not see you affecting me
You will not see you afflicting me

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The Conjuring 

The Conjuring 

This is what it feels like or looks like living with an abuser

The conjuring

All around you, they fly
The Demons of your head
To Torment and divide you
Telling you what to think
If you listen, you will sink
Turn them down
They’re screaming your name
On your fear, they feast
The Demons of your head

I can call them by name
Counting them one at a time
They came to greet me
The demons of your head

They’re flying at me
To torment and divide me
Telling me what to think
If I listen, I will sink
Trying to turn them down
As they scream my name
Feasting on my fear
The demons of your head

Your demons are in my head
Flying all around
Tormenting and telling me
What to think
They’re screaming my name
I think I might sink
Your demons are screaming my name

Learning to accept 

UPDATE: its been over a year since “dad” had any contact with his children… I accept it… BUT the problems he left me with, pisses me off!

Admitting there is a problem is half the cure. Isn’t that what they tell us?
I can finally admit that my ex-husband abandoned our children. Our precious 5yr old said he misses “Daddy” and asked why he left us. I didn’t have an answer for him. The next step is accepting that he abandoned everyone. It’s been a very emotional week for us. The children, especially, are beginning to show their pain and anger in different ways. Suicide attempts, rage, screaming, depression, … Just a few.
It been almost 10 weeks since he left. 10 weeks since he spoke to any of the children. 10 weeks. I haven’t accepted it completely yet, but I’m working on it, and as the weeks pass by, it gets easier because it is more obvious day by day.

Wtf

labor day weekend 2014

What the fuckity fuck?
Tonight, my 16-year-old son came close to committing suicide. My oldest son found him curled up in a ball, crying with a loaded gun next to him. He dismantled the gun, put it in the truck, and went for a very long drive.
They talked for a long time, and in the process, my oldest said, “Let’s call Dad so he can talk to you”. So, they called Dad, and Dad refused to talk to him.
Wow. What father will not talk to his child who is on the verge of suicide??
All I can say is, “what the fuckity fuck??”
Well, his true self is surfacing for all to see.

Something to write about 

UPDATE: Omg I’m so glad he found another woman and no longer harasses me!

After a full week of harassing texts of accusations and cursing’s sent to me by my ex-husband I am confident and secure in my decision to pursue a divorce. I was confident before, but this week was confirmation that I’m doing the right thing. Amid all these accusatory texts, he would also apologize and beg me to give him another chance. I tell him “no” each time. After one of his apologies, I told him, “It’s ok. You give me something to write about”. As I stare at the Blurb icon on my computer screen.

Not really Alone

I can not remember the last time I had Southern Comfort! Apparently it was this night.

Sitting on the porch alone.
Alone with myself.
Alone with my thoughts.
Just alone.
I share a beer with the Mosquitos,
Wishing I could share it with another adult.
This is the downside of separation and divorce, and it’s what I feared the most.
Although I hate being alone, I would rather be alone (hopefully it’s temporary) than be with my ex.
Life has still been stressful, but it’s been a different kind of stress. A peaceful stress. Is that an oxymoron?
There’s no moon to brighten the night,
Only a few stars.
I am serenaded by the cicadas and frogs.
The road in front of my house is busy tonight.
Occasionally, I feel a spider trying to caress my shoulders, as I protest.
I realize I’m really not alone. I just FEEL alone, and feeling alone is a lonely feeling.
A shot or two of Southern Comfort and another beer should fix this feeling.
Soon I will be sleeping.
I will awake to a new day and the sun shining brightly, as summer relentlessly tries to hang around a little longer.
But I will be refreshed, renewed, and have more determination tomorrow than I did today. ;)

Hate or Indifference 

August 2014 -ish
My day has been like a roller-coaster. I am still learning the art of Indifference. I no longer feel love for my ex-husband, but I’m trying to differentiate between hate and indifference. I guess as I sit here and write this post, I am answering my own question. If I have any feelings at all in the situation,n then it must not be indifference. Today, one of my daughters broke down in tears when I talked to her about her angry attitude she has been carrying. I told her I realize that she is lashing out at everyone because she is very hurt that her father makes no attempts to keep in touch with her, even though he has her phone number. To make it worse, he keeps in touch with her older sister and, occasionally, a younger one. Never her. She admitted to me that he is the reason for her anger. Of course, I understand. Today he contacted me, asked if “everyone was well”. I was shocked he even asked that! I told him I was shocked. He proceeded to tell me that I am having a bad attitude towards him, etc. I laughed. He definitely stirred some emotions, so I wasn’t being very indifferent today when I told him that I do not care what happens to him and that he is no longer worthy of my concern.
I’m still working on that indifference! I will get there. In the meantime, I hug the children and remind them that I am still here for them.