Category: Divorce

Something to write about 

UPDATE: Omg I’m so glad he found another woman and no longer harasses me!

After a full week of harassing texts of accusations and cursing’s sent to me by my ex-husband I am confident and secure in my decision to pursue a divorce. I was confident before, but this week was confirmation that I’m doing the right thing. Amid all these accusatory texts, he would also apologize and beg me to give him another chance. I tell him “no” each time. After one of his apologies, I told him, “It’s ok. You give me something to write about”. As I stare at the Blurb icon on my computer screen.

Not really Alone

I can not remember the last time I had Southern Comfort! Apparently it was this night.

Sitting on the porch alone.
Alone with myself.
Alone with my thoughts.
Just alone.
I share a beer with the Mosquitos,
Wishing I could share it with another adult.
This is the downside of separation and divorce, and it’s what I feared the most.
Although I hate being alone, I would rather be alone (hopefully it’s temporary) than be with my ex.
Life has still been stressful, but it’s been a different kind of stress. A peaceful stress. Is that an oxymoron?
There’s no moon to brighten the night,
Only a few stars.
I am serenaded by the cicadas and frogs.
The road in front of my house is busy tonight.
Occasionally, I feel a spider trying to caress my shoulders, as I protest.
I realize I’m really not alone. I just FEEL alone, and feeling alone is a lonely feeling.
A shot or two of Southern Comfort and another beer should fix this feeling.
Soon I will be sleeping.
I will awake to a new day and the sun shining brightly, as summer relentlessly tries to hang around a little longer.
But I will be refreshed, renewed, and have more determination tomorrow than I did today. ;)

Hate or Indifference 

August 2014 -ish
My day has been like a roller-coaster. I am still learning the art of Indifference. I no longer feel love for my ex-husband, but I’m trying to differentiate between hate and indifference. I guess as I sit here and write this post, I am answering my own question. If I have any feelings at all in the situation,n then it must not be indifference. Today, one of my daughters broke down in tears when I talked to her about her angry attitude she has been carrying. I told her I realize that she is lashing out at everyone because she is very hurt that her father makes no attempts to keep in touch with her, even though he has her phone number. To make it worse, he keeps in touch with her older sister and, occasionally, a younger one. Never her. She admitted to me that he is the reason for her anger. Of course, I understand. Today he contacted me, asked if “everyone was well”. I was shocked he even asked that! I told him I was shocked. He proceeded to tell me that I am having a bad attitude towards him, etc. I laughed. He definitely stirred some emotions, so I wasn’t being very indifferent today when I told him that I do not care what happens to him and that he is no longer worthy of my concern.
I’m still working on that indifference! I will get there. In the meantime, I hug the children and remind them that I am still here for them.

It is in my power

as I read theses blog posts that I wrote a year ago (almost exactly)… It jars memories but it also shows me how far we’ve come and how wonderful we are doing without him!

I haven’t written much lately regarding my separation. Honestly, I’ve been doing GREAT! Until these last few days. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still doing really good, but I’ve let him “get to me” a few times.
My oldest daughter (who originally wanted nothing to do with me at the beginning of this) has come around and started talking to me. She shared her hurts and pains about how he doesn’t keep in touch with her. She gave him a place to stay, gave him money, and other things. He does not respond to her attempts to contact him. I really like what she said. She said that he WANTS everyone to push him away, so he can sit back and be the victim. She also said that she refuses to give him that satisfaction. As she painfully continues to make contact with him.
It’s been a volatile week emotionally when it comes to him. I want to get to a place where I no longer let him have power over my emotions. I’ve already cussed him out on a few occasions. Gosh. I hate that I have stooped to his level. Thank goodness life is a journey of trial and error and learning. I still have a lot to learn. Today, my goal is to not to allow him power over me and my emotions. Wish me luck! :)

To you from me (August 2014)

I was finally getting over you
When you showed up again
Reminding me you devalue
Everything I represent

Just another stepping stone
To take me where I should
Showed me that I’ve grown
From all that I’ve withstood

Thank you for the horrible times
Thought for sure I’d die
From words so ugly and unkind
Left with no reply

You’ve made me what I am today
A woman bold and strong
Like a Phoenix I’ll display
Badges from your wrongs

I know I do not owe you this
Quite contrary I would say
Even though I’m thoroughly pissed
And this will sound cliche

“I forgive you”, though you don’t deserve it
So I do it for myself
I know it’s selfish I admit
To myself I give this gift

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“Boom”

August 2014

Ok. Vent time.
Here I am, had a wonderful weekend, having a great morning, then “BOOM!” A text from the ex. Apparently someone is sending him video text invites. He thinks it is my lover. I guess he also thinks that I’m not smart enough to give someone MY phone number instead of his.

Did you know that the Narcissist used ME as a job reference? Who is the dumb ass here?

That felt really good just then, calling him a Narcissist. It fits him well. Narcissist. Narcissist. Narcissist. I like it.

I hope I get a call from someone checking on his work history. He didn’t give me a 2-week notice. I also hope they ask me about his character. I’m so ready to let them know the quality of the man he is.

Ok. It’s out of my system for now. All I can do is shake my head and continue with my day. I have a job. I have better things to do!

Thank you, WP readers, for putting up with my insane world of rants.

Peace, love, and Mist!

My dysFUNctional family 

many revisions have been necessary along the way, but we are what we are,…

august 2014

It’s nothing to have 8 or more cars in my drive way, and a minimum of 14 people in my house on the weekends. I look out my window and see that the State Trooper has pulled over another speeder. I can’t help but wonder if they are ever suspicious of all the traffic and activity in my home. If they were to enter, they may not have a place to sit, but they could stand next to the other guy standing in the kitchen.
Words like “alone”, “peace”, “empty nest”, “quiet”, and “silence” do not exist in our family dictionary. I do not have a perfect family. We admit and own up to being dysfunctional. I really like what Sarah Palin said one evening when talking about her family. She said, “It works because we want it to”. I may not have the “ideal family”, but what we have works for us. And it is working more smoothly now that we are on our own. Go figure.

I’m proud 

August 2014

I’ve always tried to teach my children to be kind. Help people out who are in need. Tonight my 2 oldest boys made me proud. They noticed a lady stopped on the side of the road with a flat tire (we live on a highway). They took initiative to go out there and assist her. They changed her tire for her. The policeman arrived and stood as an observer. I’m sure my boys made a better impression of helping people then our local “protect and serve” state trooper. This has not been a good day. It has been a GREAT day.

A Good Day

I remember this day very well. We now have a great open relationship. Open about everything except that small period of time when she said she “hated” me. I have not brought it up, she hasn’t apologized, but I often wonder what was going through her mind during that time period.

August 2014
For the first time in over a month my 20yr old daughter spoke to me. When her father and I separated she wrote me a very hateful vicious letter. Said things like “I will never speak to you again, etc”. Last week she went school shopping for her siblings. I never denied her the freedom to continue their relationships.
A few weeks ago I sent her a brief text to remind her that I loved her and care about her and think of her often. Watching her father not make any effort to keep in touch with his younger children showed me how easy it would be for her to take my silence as “I don’t care”.
Today she walked in the house, looked at me and actually held a conversation with me. I am still in a state of shock, but am extremely happy about the progress! This is a good day.

Pretty darn good 

August 2014
Each day presents it’s own set of challenges. Yesterday is the first day I actually felt like I’m getting some normalcy back into my life. I had routine and structure without feeling overwhelmed. The 2 biggest challenges I faced were paying the outrageous summer electric bill and remembering to check the mail. Checking the mail was something my ex did every single day. So, naturally I keep forgetting. And the mail box is way down there at the end of our drive way. If checking the mail was my biggest challenge then I think I’m doing pretty darn good.

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