Category: Divorce

I don’t miss him

July 13, 2014

I don’t miss him, not really. Then why do I feel these emotions? What are these? Where are they coming from? I don’t want him back. I don’t miss him. Sometimes I still feel sorry for him.
I want so badly to exceed him. To do and accomplish everything he said, I couldn’t. I want him to be lonely and miserable. I don’t want him to succeed. I want him to struggle.
Please forgive my transparency. I don’t want to feel this way. I suppose today, as I face the source of my emotions, it’s good to be honest.
As my 5yr old comes to check on me, he sees a tear roll down my cheek. He looks at me straight in the eyes, no words spoken. I smile at him really big, and he smiles back with a look of relief.
I’m not where I want to be with my emotions and my forgiveness toward him, but as I keep smiling, I’m letting my family know I will get there. Just give me time.

He walked away from everything, who was I to think that he wouldn’t walk away from me also.

“He walked away from everything, who was I to think that he wouldn’t walk away from me also.”

July 11, 2014

Those were my closing thoughts yesterday. Although my days are twice as busy now that I have all the responsibility of caring for my family. My days are more fulfilled. I feel accomplished. After setting a goal to not worry about what he thinks. It freed me to be myself and to do as I please.
Now that I am working for 2 people and being 2 parents, I do not have time for his childish BS. While I am working, he is sending back-to-back texts full of accusations and self-pity. I laugh. He has no job and is staying with his brother… He only has time to throw BS my way.
At the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I’ve accomplished many things. Not everything, but plenty. And oh! I forgot to reply to his text, go figure.

Trust Issues 

I want to believe I really do,
But trust isn’t something that comes easily
See, everytime guard lets down
My heart gets carried away evilly

I want to trust, I really do,
But trusting means becoming vulnerable
See, if I’m vulnerable, I can be hurt again, and that’s just not tolerable

I want to open up, I really do,
But opening up makes me feel threatened and unguarded
See, feeling threatened and unguarded makes me feel like I’m an open target.

I have trust issues, that’s plain to see
As I work on it, I hope I can be set free.

I’m Sorry

July 9, 2014

Don’t remind me

You’ve made that clear.

You don’t have to remind me.

I know you don’t want me.

It’s ok.

I accept it.

It took me a long time, but I accept it now.

I’m sorry I held on for so long.

I’m sorry my unwillingness to let go has prolonged the inevitable.

I really am sorry.

Oh, I’m not apologizing to you,

I’m apologizing to myself.

I can’t change that

July 7, 2014

Back to a busy work week. This week, I will work on bringing structure back to our lives. After I’ve been able to do that, to where I am comfortable with the way things are flowing, THEN I will be able to work on myself. Kids are so resilient. I’m not saying they are not affected. I am saying, they bounce back well. The younger ones, that is. My 13yr old daughter is struggling. She witnessed the entire happening. Yet that is her Daddy, and like any normal child, she didn’t want her Daddy to go so far away. I keep waiting for my 5yr old to ask when Daddy will be coming home, but he hasn’t, not yet.
I took a few days to think and clear my head as best as I could before I responded to my oldest daughter’s vicious letter. Today I will send her my response. I do not know what the outcome will be, but that is one thing I am choosing not to focus on. She is an adult and makes her own choices. I can not change that. Wow. I should carry this thought over into my failed marriage. “He is an adult, and makes his own choices, and I can not change that.” Wow. I felt a little pressure lift just then. Thank you, WP blogging! For a place where I can get this out and see it laid out in front of me.
Happy Monday!

Not today

july 5, 2014

I woke up still fully clothed. Last night’s whiskey bottle helped me to forget my circumstances for an evening. Of course, life was still the same when I woke up. Thoughts flood my mind. I am so anxious and determined to get past this! I am ready to move forward with my emotions. I feel like there are some things that I need to let go of. Places my thoughts continually go.
I want so badly to give him a list of everything he has done that has hurt me so. But I wouldn’t be content for him to just read that list; I would want him to embrace it, admit it is true, and then sincerely apologize for it all. I want to see him be regretful. I want him to confess that he f**ked up. I can’t make him. I can’t control that. Therefore, I need to let it go. Let go of my need for restitution.
Not today, though, while he sits at his brother’s house eating smoked ribs, etc. I lay in bed this morning, wondering what I would feed my children. I guess it’ll be Ramen noodles again today.
I really do want to move on. I will. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. I will, but not today.

Just a Rant

I have often considered getting a “normal” job, an 8-5 5 days a week job, but I know I could not make the same amount of money! Some days I work 14 hours other days I work 3. And sometimes I’m actually “off”.  Yes, it’s hard work. Yes, I’m still tired. But it’s worth it in the end.

Television and media make Entrepreneurs look glamorous. They do not show the dirt, the grime, the sweat, or the work it took to reach their end result. Although my self-employed job is not my first choice, it was a devoted choice that has taken a lot of perseverance and hard work. We started with literally $.00 in our pockets… We started from scratch and kept On scratching. We’ve not attained the “end desire,” but we are close. Days like today challenge my thoughts. I want to flip off the bigwigs while I work 10 hours doing all the work.
Is it worth it? Oh yes! VERY worth it!! My schedule normally consists of working Tuesday through Thursday for approximately 5-6 hours each day. Although for the past 2 weeks we have been working Monday- Friday, 6-10 hours. This is also a good thing, it means we are growing and going to a new (more $) stage. It will “even ou,t” and I will be back to my “normal” hours. But until
Then, I wanted to rant about the hard work.
Sincerely,
One tired, whiney titty baby

Learning to accept 

UPDATE: its been over a year since “dad” had any contact with his children… I accept it… BUT the problems he left me with, pisses me off!

Admitting there is a problem is half the cure. Isn’t that what they tell us?
I can finally admit that my ex-husband abandoned our children. Our precious 5yr old said he misses “Daddy” and asked why he left us. I didn’t have an answer for him. The next step is accepting that he abandoned everyone. It’s been a very emotional week for us. The children, especially, are beginning to show their pain and anger in different ways. Suicide attempts, rage, screaming, depression, … Just a few.
It been almost 10 weeks since he left. 10 weeks since he spoke to any of the children. 10 weeks. I haven’t accepted it completely yet, but I’m working on it, and as the weeks pass by, it gets easier because it is more obvious day by day.

Wtf

labor day weekend 2014

What the fuckity fuck?
Tonight, my 16-year-old son came close to committing suicide. My oldest son found him curled up in a ball, crying with a loaded gun next to him. He dismantled the gun, put it in the truck, and went for a very long drive.
They talked for a long time, and in the process, my oldest said, “Let’s call Dad so he can talk to you”. So, they called Dad, and Dad refused to talk to him.
Wow. What father will not talk to his child who is on the verge of suicide??
All I can say is, “what the fuckity fuck??”
Well, his true self is surfacing for all to see.