Category: Life And Legacy

Reflections

Reflections

July 2014

Nothing like a long drive and time near the water to give you time to think and reflect. I just got our vehicle out of the mechanic shop yesterday, and as I’m driving down the road, it is struggling and skipping. (It must be those hoses the mechanic said needed to be changed soon. My thoughts instantly turn to the last thing my son asked me before I left to pick it up from the mechanic,

“Mom, when are you going to get rid of that and get a new one?”

It stung my tenacity. I don’t give up. I believe ANYTHING can be salvaged. Which is precisely why I stayed married for so long. When you invest so much in something, it is difficult to give it up. We just replaced the engine, and now we are fixing everything on the new engine that we already fixed on the old one.

This drive, combined with soothing waters, has led me to consider buying a new vehicle.

I stopped to smell the rose

I stopped to smell the rose

The past is behind me,

The future is before me;

They are both trying to steal today.

I am one person. Who has been handed everything. It’s time for “everything” to take a number and get in line. It will get done. Maybe not as fast as I or anyone else wants, but it will get done.
I have so many emotions going through me. They are all trying to come out at once. So I am going to attempt to get them out here.
Anger.

I am so angry with myself for hanging on for so long! I’m angry for agreeing to not pursue child-support. I might end up really regretting that later. I’m angry because he upped and left, moving 12 hrs away. The day before our son’s 16th birthday. I’m angry because of all the house repairs I’m left with that he would never fix. And I’m angry because I haven’t won the lottery yet, that sure would come in handy right now.

Overwhelmed.

I am extremely overwhelmed with the load I’ve been handed. The family business, sole provider for our children, taxi service for kids, and so much more, not to mention being a mom. Oh, and Dad, now.

Bitter.

I am bitter & resentful. I have contempt for the father of my children.

Hurt.

I am hurt and empty. So empty. I gave my all. Every ounce of my energy into making the marriage work. For example. I planned an anniversary trip to see his favorite MLB baseball team play a home game. The entire time we were there, it was all about him. I bought the tickets, I paid for the hotel, the gas, everything, souvenirs, etc. I even wrote him a poem, which he shredded in my face on the day after our return home. He gave me nothing for our anniversary. This was 5 days ago. When we got back, he even complained about some very intimate things.

Relieved.

It’s a relief to know he is 12 hours away and I don’t need to worry about him stopping by.
I’m a woman, so I’m entitled to be angry and relieved for the same reason. :)

Everyone asks how I am. I will quote you my exact reply,

“I am a mess. I do not regret my decision. But I am exhausted and overwhelmed. But I will be ok, thanks for asking.”

Coming to the end of this day, at a customer’s house, I was reminded to stop and smell this rose. A beautiful budding yellow rose. My favorite color and favorite flower.

I can write whenever 

I can write whenever 

July 2014

When I’m angry, I can write.

When I’m sad, I can write.

I can write when I’m overflowing with happiness.

I can write most of the time,

except when I am numb.

Today, even yesterday, I’m feeling numb. Don’t mistake me as being depressed or so hurt that I can’t go on without him. Oh contrary! I’m numb with exhaustion. I’m finally able to relax and have peace. I am now Head of Household. Everyone is looking to me to have their needs met. I can do this. It will take me a few weeks to adjust, but I will. In the meantime, tiny bursts of inspiration get jotted in my notes to complete on another day.