Category: Domestic Abuse

May 8, 2014

WHAT A DAY


I had my day planned, scheduled to be off for the first time in what seemed like forever! I was going to get SO much done!

Morning routines were moving along as usual, a bickering sibling to the other. Perfectly normal stuff. 
My son spit his toothpaste into the kitchen sink, but lingered as if he was nauseous.  Something wasn’t right. He seemed too lethargic this morning. He went and laid  down on the chair in our den. I asked if he was ok, and he barely nodded yes. He was almost non-responsive. So I asked if he was hung-over, he nodded no. Then I asked, “what did you take?” He said he took all of my anxiety pills (20-30) and the rest of his girlfriends Zoloft. I said, “what the hell! Were you trying to kill a yourself???” Then he shook his head yes.
I spent my entire day off in the local emergency room. This was his 2nd attempt in less then a year, to commit suicide.  My small town does not have the facilities to deal with this type of thing so they sent him to a specialized hospital 3 hours away. I only get visitation 2 days a week and phone calls on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. 
This is definitely not how I had my day planned out. 
When the doctor asked him why he wanted to hurt himself I mentioned that it’s been a rough year. Then he spoke up and said “if you knew what we’ve been through this past year then you’d understand. “we 
They reassured me that he would see therapists that would help him to deal with the various things we’ve faced this year.
After leaving him to their care I went to my doctor to get my (much needed) anxiety pills refilled. He refused. He didn’t want to be liable.
So here I am. My Bp 180/?? Nothing but liver damaging alcohol to help.
Where’s a therapist for mom?
Everyone talks about “how strong of a woman I am” … I ask, is this what “strong” feels like? I don’t think you would think that if you saw my smeared mascara, and empty tequila bottles.
Life needs to give my family a paid vacation. 

 

April 24, 2015

CONFIDENCE

 

Suppressing my feelings is nothing new to me. It’s a learned trait. I’ve been doing it for 20 years or more … I hold in my feelings because I don’t want to hurt anyone, yet I am breaking and bleeding inside, hurting myself instead.

I want to say all that’s on my mind, but I fear the outcome. Fear that whatever I’ve been worrying about is really the truth and reality. Maybe I do live in a fantasy world. Maybe I do wish for things that are unattainable.
Is it too much to ask for stability? Too much to ask for something that my kids can put confidence in?  At this point i feel like I should teach my kids to only put confidence in themselves because everyone else will
disappoint them.   

March 28, 2015

We all do it at one point or another. We build walls to protect ourselves from being hurt.  

When children grow up in an abusive environment they learn to create walls also, for their own protection. 

Such defensive methods may actually ensure surviving emotionally and physically through challenging and threatening times. BUT…Years pass, however, and though we are now safe, these walls and other defensive mechanisms remain, and may sabotage our personal and professional lives. The wall is no longer needed, but it has become habitual. 

Today I am not going to ask or suggest that you break down your walls. Instead I’m going to ask that you take a good look at them. Own them. Admit that they are there. You’ll realize that they are pretty thick and that you can’t see what’s on the other side. 

The walls that were once your protection are now your prison. They are holding you back from moving forward. You have tremendous potential within you.  Look up. Can you see the sun shining? See that blue sky? There’s a whole world on the other side of those walls waiting to meet you.

https://www.facebook.com/abreathofheaven/posts/862695903771894

  

March 12, 2015

I thought I had accepted my ex husbands lack of communication with my children.  But it does something to a mothers heart when her children come to her crying because Dad won’t answer or return calls nor respond to texts.

Earlier this week we had an emergency involving one of the children and I felt that it would only be the right thing to let “Dad” know what was going on. I called and left him a pleasant message, then texted him asking him to call when he had a chance because there is a child related. Emergency.  He sent me a text that stated, “I’m not calling.”  At this point I’m still calm and understanding because he and I can not be near each other without a fight ensuing. I reminded him that if I was actually willing to speak with him on the phone then it must be pretty serious. His response was, “text it or handle it”.  So I went ahead and texted to horrible news to him.  He said, “I care nothing of what you need to do, handle it” I said, “ok, I’ll pass this on to _____” (the child in this emergency)
His dickhead response was  “whatever”.
I know I need to move forward and move on with my life… And I will, but it’s the stress of dealing with the broken hearts of my children that’s wearing me down. That poor child may never trust a man again. And i don’t blame her. Will I be able to trust again? 

March 10, 2015

I thought that leaving an abusive marriage after 24 years was hard. Even more difficult was when their father refused to reply to the children’s  texts.  But last week threw me a curve ball.  The hardest thing I have yet to  face. The words  I heard coming out of my daughters lips.   Never did I ever imagine it could or would happen to my family.  I knew what I had to do. I knew what the right thing was, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Just because it’s right, Doesn’t make it easy.  I had to make the call. I had to tell them what I knew and what I’ve been told. 

Here I am, newly single mom, sole-provider… Financially, emotionally and any other “ly” necessary. Here I am trying to be strong, yet so broken. I don’t remember the last night I remained sober. Some things you just don’t want to think about or remember.   I have to be strong for my daughter, but yet I know in my heart this means I have lost a son. The pain of knowing the truth isn’t as hard as the pain of the precious memories I have.
I thought about Going to get on antidepressants… But I’m already numb, I already sleep well from mental and physical exhaustion… I don’t need anything that’ll suppress the sex drive… That’s my only release! Oh … To be able to start life over, wouldn’t that be grand? 



Death and life 

March 2014… After hearing my daughter confess to being sexually molested….

Death and life are both cruel companions death steals our loved ones and the very things we want to keep near us. While life gives us things we do not want, forces things in our face we wish not to see.

I wish it was the other way around I wish death would take the abusers. I wish death would take the murders. I was death would take those that cause pain to people. I wish life would give us a little bit more time with the ones we love. Life is not fair. Neither is death.

Life Changer

NOVEMBER 16, 2014
Here is the quote that challenged my thinking in regards to my marriage. I knew this quote was for me the moment I read it. I kept it and would read it several times a day.

End it now! Don’t waste another minute dealing with a toxic, negative, energy draining person. Some people are wired for negativity. They love being argumentative, combative and abusive. Run for your life as quickly as possible. Life is too short and unpredictable to deal with these emotional vampires, they feed off stressing you out, raising hell and creating drama for you. Their toxic energy will turn your hair gray overnight, cause you to gain weight and rob you of your health. Don’t waste valuable time trying to change them. Change yourself and get them out of your life!

Don’t say a word; leave all of your belongings if you have to in the middle of the night. Cut off all communication. Don’t take their calls. You have heard their Lies before. They will not change. They didn’t choose to change. It’s who they have decided to be.

Move to another city, if you must, and start all over again. Your life is worth it. You deserve to have peace of mind, a great relationship and an exciting life. Watch how dramatically your life will change for the better once you get this burden off your back. The Air you breathe will become fresh and invigorating. You will feel an infusion of exuberance, energy and love for life . With this stifling, suffocating and controlling person out of your life, get ready to live again and be the person that you’ve always wanted to be. Live life in your own terms not having to answer to anyone but yourself. Control your own destiny. You have something special . You have greatness within you.”
-Les Brown

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November 16, 2014

In 2010 all the abuse came to head. I could no longer continue with my husband as long as he continued to be abusive. It was a frightful horrific night that led me to call the police. I will tell that story some other time. That week I filed for a restraining order. He had no where to go except to his Pastor/employer. The man was gracious enough to allow him to live in the youth departments loft.
At that time I was not ready for a divorce. I just wanted him to be different. I wanted him to change, and his anger and violence be gone. So after several weeks of him promising to be different, begging my forgiveness and actually acting like he loved me and the children I allowed him to come back home. He was a changed man (temporarily).  He was nice and sweet and rarely became angry. I was surprised but thankful.  I noticed a lot of changes in him, but I also noticed some things in me that I was unaware of.
The more he tried to be sweet and loving, the less I wanted it.  My heart was hard and cold. There was so much damage done. I did not trust him. I was emotionally detached from him.  I tried my best to reconnect.  He would still have moments where he would fall back to his old self and each of those moments would cause me to put my walls right back up. I was beginning to realize that I still did not like the person he was.  I thought if he wasn’t so violent then that would be the cure to our marriage. I  never thought about things such as “compatibility”  or “soulmate” and “true intimacy”. We are complete opposites. Didn’t like the same foods, same people or same places. I would always give in and go along with everything he liked and wanted. I was beginning to feel like I was just a puppet. I wasn’t ME when I was with him.
I am a positive thinker. He was negative about everything. Nothing about us connected or clicked.  We were just going through the motions of a marriage,  “for the sake of the kids”.
He was a lot calmer for about 2 years, then his anger began to resurface. This time I didn’t care. I was beginning to realize that I deserved better. So I began to stand up for myself. I wouldn’t allow him to boss me around anymore.  I began to withdraw and spend more time by myself. The less i was around him the better I felt about myself. I began thinking about divorce but I couldn’t see a way out. I felt so trapped and so miserable,  like there was no hope of escape.  I felt doomed to be in this prison (or so it felt). I would dream and visualize what it would be like to be free.
Dreams do come true, and if you can visualize it, it can happen.
It happened for me.  It happened suddenly and unexpectedly. My divorce has been final for 2 weeks.  I have never felt such freedom and a relief!  If you want something bad enough, fate will find a way to bring it to you. Keep believing and holding on to your dreams.
– Peace, love and Mist

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September 28, 2014

RIGHT SIDE UP
Normally when you go through a divorce or separation even from an abusive one, it is said that “your world is turned upside down”.
Everything in life is a matter of perspective, how you perceive things. The way you perceive things will affect the way you feel. The way you feel will affect your whole entire attitude.
Since my ex left on July 1st I am so much happier. I am free to be myself. I am free to live by MY convictions instead of living to please someone else. I feel more accomplished. Did I mention that I am happier? I’m no longer walking on egg-shells. I no longer have to worry about someone getting angry with me for no reason. I no longer live in fear from day to day.

No, my world was not “turned upside down” it was turned RIGHT SIDE UP and I am better for it. Oh, and I’m SO much happier.

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