Category: Single-mom

July 16, 2014

I like a clean, tidy, uncluttered home. Although, I don’t mind it to be lived in from time to time.

At this point I will now refer to my husband as my “ex”. After all, isn’t that the goal

My ex is extremely OCD and anal about having a clean home. He didn’t even think it should look like people lived here. He liked it to look like a “show-case” home at all times.
We have several children, and you can imagine how stressful it was for me to keep up with his demands of keeping the house clean. Somehow, I managed it. I kept it neat, tidy and uncluttered. After many years of living this way, I’ve adapted to enjoying the house more when it is clean. It’s less stressful. I feel like, if my home is cluttered, then everything else in my life is cluttered. Possibly because I heard a preachers wife say those exact words and it fit his belief system.
Since he left, the house has been a mess. Hang on, I have a few excuses. First, I am sole-provider of everything! So, I’m really busy. I am self-employed, I have a cleaning service. Ironic.
Secondly, I think because he demanded it, I quit. I stopped cleaning because it was what HE wanted.
Little by little, I am conquering my house again. This time because I want it clean. He doesn’t live here anymore, so who cares what he thinks! On a positive note; I cleaned out the fridge and found 2 beautiful Purple Haze Abita beer hiding behind all those biology projects. (Winning!)
Oh, and I do not judge people with messy homes or hoarders or clutter. I don’t even like to complain about them (like he would). Those messes pay my bills.

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Photo courtesy of google

July 15, 2014

Lucky me… His favorite food is Ramen Noodles!!

I forget that they are just as tired and weary as I am. This isn’t easy on ANY of us. We all have to use extra energy to get through our days and deal with our individual struggles. This little guy has been spoiled. He is our baby, and he is a picky eater. There is no more splurging for a while. You can’t have what I don’t have on hand. He doesn’t understand and it’s frustrating to him. Kids are resilient. They bounce back, but I need to remember that they are tired too.

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July 13, 2014

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I don’t miss him, not really. Then why do I feel these emotions? What are these? Where are they coming from? I don’t want him back. I don’t miss him. Some times I still feel sorry for him.
I want so badly to exceed him. To do and accomplish everything he said I couldn’t. I want him to be lonely and miserable. I don’t want him to succeed. I want him to struggle.
Please forgive my transparency. I don’t want to feel this way. I suppose today as I face the source of my emotions, Its good to be honest.
As my 5yr old comes to check on me, he sees a tear roll down my cheek. He looks at me straight in the eyes, no words spoken. I smile at him real big, he smiles back with a look of relief.
I’m not where I want to be in my emotions and forgiveness of him, but as I keep smiling, I’m letting my family know that I will get there. Just give me time.

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July 11, 2014

“He walked away from everything, who was I to think that he wouldn’t walk away from me also.”

Those were my closing thoughts yesterday. Although my days are twice as busy now that I have all the responsibility of caring for my family. My days are more fulfilled. I feel accomplished. After setting a goal to not worry about what he thinks. It freed me to be myself, and to do as I please.
Now that I am busy working for 2 people and being 2 parents, I do not have time to engage in his childish BS. While I am working he is sending back to back texts full of accusations and self-pity. I laugh. He has no job, staying with his brother… He only has time to throw BS my way.
At the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I’ve accomplished many things. Not everything, but plenty. And oh! I forgot to reply to his text, go figure.

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I can’t change that

July 7, 2014

Back to a busy work week. This week I will work on bringing structure back to our lives. After I’ve been able to do that, to where I am comfortable with the way things are flowing; THEN I will be able to work on me. Kids are so resilient. I’m not saying they are not affected. I am saying, they bounce back well. The younger ones, that is. My 13yr old daughter is struggling. She witnessed the entire happenings. Yet that is her Daddy, and like any normal child, she didn’t want her Daddy to go so far away. I keep waiting for my 5yr old to ask when Daddy will be coming home, but he hasn’t, not yet.
I took a few days to think and clear my head as best as I could before I responded to my oldest daughters vicious letter. Today I will send her my response. I do not know what the outcome will be, but that is one thing I am choosing to not focus on. She is an adult and makes her own choices. I can not change that. Wow. I should carry this thought over into my failed marriage. “He is an adult, and makes his own choices and I can not change that.” Wow. I felt a little pressure lift just then. Thank you WP blogging! For a place where I can get this out, and see it laid out in front of me.
Happy Monday!

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Sunday draught 

July 6, 2014

No tears this bright Sunday morning. The drought has come, the rain is gone, my soul has been left dry and barren. I am numb.
I like this feeling better then the emotional feelings where everything comes out in tears. I feel more in control. Could it be because I am suppressing my feelings? Possibly. Today I feel like I can at least work on my house. Getting it back in order as I prepare for a busy work week.
I know it will take time to flush out my system from everything that 24 yrs has ingrained in me. So, suppressed I may be today, tomorrow is a new day. I will work on my house today, instead of me.

We keep ourselves so tied up in regretting the past and fearing the future that we don’t have any energy left to figure out who we are and what we want

Happy Sunday ya’ll!
Peace, love and Mist

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Fueled my fire

2014

Another day, a lot more tears. I am laying in a pit of self-pity looking up through the opening at the beautiful blue sky. It feels like there are vines tangled around my heart holding me down.
My oldest daughter sent me the most vicious, hateful letter last night. She said things just like the pro she learned from, her father. Words too vile to print on this screen. Emotions I hope NO mother ever hears from a child. I literally have chest pains. If I wasn’t under so much stress and heartache right now, I would run myself to the ER.
I see a passing cloud, as tears pour out my eyes. I can’t move. No, I can, but I don’t want to.
He has already purchased a new truck for himself, while I drive the shit he left me with that needs a new radiator.

Ariana Grande has a song, “Problem”. My other daughter brings her radio and iPod into my room and plays me the song. “I’ve got one less problem without ya”. Our motto.

I feel heat. It’s in my soul, a fire, burning. I can feel it burning at these vines that are holding me down. The vines are helpless they are so fragile compared to the fire that’s growing. From the glow of the fire I can see more vines going all the way to the top. I will arise. I will climb out and conquer this day.

My son sent me this text: “We can do this. We will do this. It’s gonna be better than it ever has been. It’ll be hard but it’ll be worth it. Don’t get down. That’s what the purpose was behind all of this. To make us get down and depressed. Don’t let them have that power over you. Rise above so that one day they will look up from whatever out they find themselves in and realize their mistake.”

It’s a bonfire now!!!

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Please do not use this photo without permission

My dysFUNctional family 

many revisions have been necessary along the way, but we are what we are,…

august 2014

It’s nothing to have 8 or more cars in my drive way, and a minimum of 14 people in my house on the weekends. I look out my window and see that the State Trooper has pulled over another speeder. I can’t help but wonder if they are ever suspicious of all the traffic and activity in my home. If they were to enter, they may not have a place to sit, but they could stand next to the other guy standing in the kitchen.
Words like “alone”, “peace”, “empty nest”, “quiet”, and “silence” do not exist in our family dictionary. I do not have a perfect family. We admit and own up to being dysfunctional. I really like what Sarah Palin said one evening when talking about her family. She said, “It works because we want it to”. I may not have the “ideal family”, but what we have works for us. And it is working more smoothly now that we are on our own. Go figure.