We cannot change people. And we cannot change events that have happened.
Remembering this helps free my mind. People will be … Well… Human. Events happen that zap the life out of us… I’m done asking why and trying to UNhappen it.
I can only change my outlook and reaction to people and events.
I do not like everything going on around me, but I accept it. It is done. What has been done, is done. What has been said, is said.
So, I get up and continue to move on. Continue to be me. Regardless of random unnecessary events and irrational people.
It’s a good morning, world!
Category: Life And Legacy
Detours
(JANUARY 8, 2015)
There will often be detours in life. Our problem is that we grumble the entire time about having to take the detour because it wasn’t in our plans, it wasn’t the way we wanted, not the route we intended to take. If we could quiet ourselves for just a moment and open our eyes then we might see that this detour is the scenic route. Look around. It’s a much lovelier view.
Remember detours do not take you away from your destination, they are only an alternate way of getting there.
July 29, 2014
“Simplify still resounds in my mind today!
If I’m not working…. I’m driving. If I’m not driving…. I’m working. It is 7:30pm in my hometown. It’s the first time I’ve sat to relax. First decent meal… Made for myself. I am enjoying a few shots of tequila and a delicious Corona.
Being this busy only gives you time to think. The only thing I am alone with is my thoughts.
I keep seeing and hearing the same thing flash in my mind over and over… “Simplify”. “Simplify your life”.
I’m overbooked, overworked, overtired. If I do not heed my internal warning signs I may be overdone from insanity.
July 25, 2015
A COVER UP
I did get the Phoenix tattoo, but it didn’t end up being a cover-up. I still adorn his name but am having a lotus flower designed to cover it instead.
I admit it, I am a “hopeless romantic”. I am also a symbolic person. I like symbols or things that represent special times, places or people. For instance, my very first tattoo was a boyfriends initial “R”. A month or two later I turned it into a flower. My next tattoo was and still is a yellow rose (my favorite) with my “ex” husbands name written in cursive. I’ve had that branded on me for 25 years!
Before he left he asked for my wedding ring back and his last name. The ring was the only thing his mother left him when she passed away. So of course I gave it back. He pawned it. I told him I was not changing my name.
The more I accept that we are no longer a part of each other except for our children (whom he never calls or checks on), the more I begin to think.(you can read my poem “No Longer” http://wp.me/p4kY05-89) The children asked me to keep his last name because it’s their last name. But then there is his name on my body. I want to erase his memory, remember? So I came up with the great idea of getting this tattoo covered up with something new. But what? I thought about something with wings (based on the Poem “Wings: http://wp.me/s4kY05-wings). I don’t want a butterfly or anything that seemed feminine. I want something that represents strength. Then this morning I saw it. The Phoenix. I knew, “thats it”!
The bird proudly willing to burn,
So that he may live again,
Chooses the flames of fires
That burn the aged Phoenix
The nature stands still
Till a new young bird starts again,
and begins the legend of the Phoenix.– Claudian (Roman author)
I love what the Phoenix represents, how it will rise from the ashes.(Read “I will rise” http://wp.me/4kY05)
“I flew straight out of heaven, a mad bird full of secrets. I came into being as I came into being. I grew as I grew. I changed as I change. My mind is fire, my soul fire. The cobra wakes and spits fire in my eyes. I rise through ochre smoke into black air enclosed in a shower of stars. I am what I have made. I am the seed of every god, beautiful as evening, hard as light. I am the last four days of yesterday, four screams from the edges of earth – beauty, terror, truth, madness – the Phoenix on his pyre
“A mythical bird that never dies, the Phoenix flies far ahead to the front, always scanning the landscape and distant space. It represents our captivity for vision, for collecting sensory information about our environment and the events unfolding within it. The Phoenix, with its great beauty, creates intense excitement and deathless inspiration.” – Feng Shui Handbook
I may not be able to erase his memory, but I can sure cover-up his name!
July 16, 2014
I like a clean, tidy, uncluttered home. Although, I don’t mind it to be lived in from time to time.
At this point I will now refer to my husband as my “ex”. After all, isn’t that the goal
My ex is extremely OCD and anal about having a clean home. He didn’t even think it should look like people lived here. He liked it to look like a “show-case” home at all times.
We have several children, and you can imagine how stressful it was for me to keep up with his demands of keeping the house clean. Somehow, I managed it. I kept it neat, tidy and uncluttered. After many years of living this way, I’ve adapted to enjoying the house more when it is clean. It’s less stressful. I feel like, if my home is cluttered, then everything else in my life is cluttered. Possibly because I heard a preachers wife say those exact words and it fit his belief system.
Since he left, the house has been a mess. Hang on, I have a few excuses. First, I am sole-provider of everything! So, I’m really busy. I am self-employed, I have a cleaning service. Ironic.
Secondly, I think because he demanded it, I quit. I stopped cleaning because it was what HE wanted.
Little by little, I am conquering my house again. This time because I want it clean. He doesn’t live here anymore, so who cares what he thinks! On a positive note; I cleaned out the fridge and found 2 beautiful Purple Haze Abita beer hiding behind all those biology projects. (Winning!)
Oh, and I do not judge people with messy homes or hoarders or clutter. I don’t even like to complain about them (like he would). Those messes pay my bills.
Photo courtesy of google
I can’t change that
July 7, 2014
Back to a busy work week. This week I will work on bringing structure back to our lives. After I’ve been able to do that, to where I am comfortable with the way things are flowing; THEN I will be able to work on me. Kids are so resilient. I’m not saying they are not affected. I am saying, they bounce back well. The younger ones, that is. My 13yr old daughter is struggling. She witnessed the entire happenings. Yet that is her Daddy, and like any normal child, she didn’t want her Daddy to go so far away. I keep waiting for my 5yr old to ask when Daddy will be coming home, but he hasn’t, not yet.
I took a few days to think and clear my head as best as I could before I responded to my oldest daughters vicious letter. Today I will send her my response. I do not know what the outcome will be, but that is one thing I am choosing to not focus on. She is an adult and makes her own choices. I can not change that. Wow. I should carry this thought over into my failed marriage. “He is an adult, and makes his own choices and I can not change that.” Wow. I felt a little pressure lift just then. Thank you WP blogging! For a place where I can get this out, and see it laid out in front of me.
Happy Monday!
Just a Rant
I have often considered getting a “normal” job, an 8-5 5 days a week job, but I know I could not make the same amount of money! Some days I work 14 hours other days I work 3. And sometimes I’m actually “off”. Yes, it’s hard work. Yes, I’m still tired. But it’s worth it in the end.
Television and media make Entrepreneurs look glamorous. They do not show the dirt, the grime, the sweat and the work it took to get to their end result. Although my self-employed job is not my first choice, it was a devoted choice that has taken a lot of perseverance and hard work. We started with literally $.00 in our pockets… We started from scratch and kept On scratching. We’ve not attained the “end desire” but we are close. Days like today are a challenge to my thoughts. I want to flip off the big-wigs while I work 10 hours doing all the work.
Is it worth it? Oh yes! VERY worth it!! My schedule normally consists of working Tuesday through Thursday for approximately 5-6 hours. Although for the past 2 weeks we have been working Monday- Friday 6-10 hours. This is also a good thing, it means we are growing and going to a new (more $) stage. It will “even out” and I will be back to my “normal” hours. But until
Then, I wanted to rant about the hard work.
Sincerely,
One tired, whiney titty baby
Not really Alone
I can not remember the last time I had Southern Comfort! Apparently it was this night.
Sitting on the porch alone.
Alone with myself.
Alone with my thoughts.
Just alone.
I share a beer with the Mosquitos,
Wishing I could share it with another adult.
This is the downside of separation and divorce, and it’s what I feared the most.
Although I hate being alone, I would rather be alone (hopefully it’s temporary) than be with my ex.
Life has still been stressful, but it’s been a different kind of stress. A peaceful stress. Is that an oxymoron?
There’s no moon to brighten the night,
Only a few stars.
I am serenaded by the cicadas and frogs.
The road in front of my house is busy tonight.
Occasionally, I feel a spider trying to caress my shoulders, as I protest.
I realize I’m really not alone. I just FEEL alone, and feeling alone is a lonely feeling.
A shot or two of Southern Comfort and another beer should fix this feeling.
Soon I will be sleeping.
I will awake to a new day and the sun shining brightly, as summer relentlessly tries to hang around a little longer.
But I will be refreshed, renewed, and have more determination tomorrow than I did today. ;)
Reflections
July 2014
Nothing like a long drive and time near the water to give you time to think and reflect. I just got our vehicle out of the mechanic shop yesterday, and as I’m driving down the road, it is struggling and skipping. (It must be those hoses the mechanic said needed to be changed soon. My thoughts instantly turn to the last thing my son asked me before I left to pick it up from the mechanic,
“Mom, when are you going to get rid of that and get a new one?”
It stung my tenacity. I don’t give up. I believe ANYTHING can be salvaged. Which is precisely why I stayed married for so long. When you invest so much in something, it is difficult to give it up. We just replaced the engine, and now we are fixing everything on the new engine that we already fixed on the old one.
This drive, combined with soothing waters, has led me to consider buying a new vehicle.
I stopped to smell the rose
The past is behind me,
The future is before me;
They are both trying to steal today.
I am one person. Who has been handed everything. It’s time for “everything” to take a number and get in line. It will get done. Maybe not as fast as I or anyone else wants, but it will get done.
I have so many emotions going through me. They are all trying to come out at once. So I am going to attempt to get them out here.
Anger.
I am so angry with myself for hanging on for so long! I’m angry for agreeing to not pursue child-support. I might end up really regretting that later. I’m angry because he upped and left, moving 12 hrs away. The day before our son’s 16th birthday. I’m angry because of all the house repairs I’m left with that he would never fix. And I’m angry because I haven’t won the lottery yet, that sure would come in handy right now.
Overwhelmed.
I am extremely overwhelmed with the load I’ve been handed. The family business, sole provider for our children, taxi service for kids, and so much more, not to mention being a mom. Oh, and Dad, now.
Bitter.
I am bitter & resentful. I have contempt for the father of my children.
Hurt.
I am hurt and empty. So empty. I gave my all. Every ounce of my energy into making the marriage work. For example. I planned an anniversary trip to see his favorite MLB baseball team play a home game. The entire time we were there, it was all about him. I bought the tickets, I paid for the hotel, the gas, everything, souvenirs, etc. I even wrote him a poem, which he shredded in my face on the day after our return home. He gave me nothing for our anniversary. This was 5 days ago. When we got back, he even complained about some very intimate things.
Relieved.
It’s a relief to know he is 12 hours away and I don’t need to worry about him stopping by.
I’m a woman, so I’m entitled to be angry and relieved for the same reason. :)
Everyone asks how I am. I will quote you my exact reply,
“I am a mess. I do not regret my decision. But I am exhausted and overwhelmed. But I will be ok, thanks for asking.”
Coming to the end of this day, at a customer’s house, I was reminded to stop and smell this rose. A beautiful budding yellow rose. My favorite color and favorite flower.
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