They say “pain insists on being felt” but I’ve learned to tame and suppress it… When pain comes my way whether it be physical or emotional I do not allow it to be felt. I breathe through it and ignore it. I guess I’m wishing it will go away since I pretend it doesn’t exist. 
Category: Family Trauma
July 26, 2014
I considered deleting all these old posts, but I hope that my transparency will be of help or inspiration to someone going through what I did.
Thank god my life is so much better now. I am better too.
I sit broken, Looking for direction, Feeling alone. I know this is my life but my life was meant to be shared, not hoarded and kept to myself.
I’m learning a lot about myself in this process. Being separated from my husband (soon ex-husband) has a caused me to look inside.
Ive learned that I have a kind, gracious heart. Last night our son played a show in town. I had a strong desire to send “Dad” a video of some of the songs they played. I had to remind myself that he has made no effort nor any attempts to contact his children since he left more then 3 weeks ago.
I learned that I believe in people, Even when they aren’t exhibiting very good character qualities. I told our son that one of the hardest things for me to “get-over” is his lack of concern for the children. Our son said, “Mom, did you really expect anything different?” I said, “Yes, son, I did. I had confidence in him.” He said, “Not me. I lost all confidence in that guy.”
I’ve also learned that even though I have no desire to remain married to this man. There is still a “letting go” process. I have to let go of my strong desire to see him stay in contact with our children.
There are so many things out of my control. I have to let go of all of them.
I’ve learned that I do not like to be alone. I miss adult companionship.
I learned I can chug 2 beers, have a public melt-down, and get myself back together all within 60 seconds.
I’ve learned that I am not done learning.
July 21, 2014
Those boundaries I was supposed to be setting aren’t real sturdy. I let my guard down today. I let my ex get to me. Now I feel so emotionless, so numb. Just a human existence. I discovered my kitty curled up “asleep”. All day I’ve been asking where she was, no one had seen her. Then I found her. No longer breathing. All I can do is let out a breath. A big sigh. I have no tears. I can’t even feel. I see tears stream down my 5yr olds face. I am not moved. I hold him close. Try my best to comfort him. Tonight, Mommy doesn’t have much comfort to give. All I have is my embrace, and I hope that is enough.
July 15, 2014
Lucky me… His favorite food is Ramen Noodles!!
I forget that they are just as tired and weary as I am. This isn’t easy on ANY of us. We all have to use extra energy to get through our days and deal with our individual struggles. This little guy has been spoiled. He is our baby, and he is a picky eater. There is no more splurging for a while. You can’t have what I don’t have on hand. He doesn’t understand and it’s frustrating to him. Kids are resilient. They bounce back, but I need to remember that they are tired too.
July 11, 2014
“He walked away from everything, who was I to think that he wouldn’t walk away from me also.”
Those were my closing thoughts yesterday. Although my days are twice as busy now that I have all the responsibility of caring for my family. My days are more fulfilled. I feel accomplished. After setting a goal to not worry about what he thinks. It freed me to be myself, and to do as I please.
Now that I am busy working for 2 people and being 2 parents, I do not have time to engage in his childish BS. While I am working he is sending back to back texts full of accusations and self-pity. I laugh. He has no job, staying with his brother… He only has time to throw BS my way.
At the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I’ve accomplished many things. Not everything, but plenty. And oh! I forgot to reply to his text, go figure.
Fueled my fire
2014
Another day, a lot more tears. I am laying in a pit of self-pity looking up through the opening at the beautiful blue sky. It feels like there are vines tangled around my heart holding me down.
My oldest daughter sent me the most vicious, hateful letter last night. She said things just like the pro she learned from, her father. Words too vile to print on this screen. Emotions I hope NO mother ever hears from a child. I literally have chest pains. If I wasn’t under so much stress and heartache right now, I would run myself to the ER.
I see a passing cloud, as tears pour out my eyes. I can’t move. No, I can, but I don’t want to.
He has already purchased a new truck for himself, while I drive the shit he left me with that needs a new radiator.
Ariana Grande has a song, “Problem”. My other daughter brings her radio and iPod into my room and plays me the song. “I’ve got one less problem without ya”. Our motto.
I feel heat. It’s in my soul, a fire, burning. I can feel it burning at these vines that are holding me down. The vines are helpless they are so fragile compared to the fire that’s growing. From the glow of the fire I can see more vines going all the way to the top. I will arise. I will climb out and conquer this day.
My son sent me this text: “We can do this. We will do this. It’s gonna be better than it ever has been. It’ll be hard but it’ll be worth it. Don’t get down. That’s what the purpose was behind all of this. To make us get down and depressed. Don’t let them have that power over you. Rise above so that one day they will look up from whatever out they find themselves in and realize their mistake.”
It’s a bonfire now!!!
©
Please do not use this photo without permission
Insanity
insanity is doing the same thing yet expecting different results
August 2014
As fate or luck (or what ever you want to call it) would have it, my husband left again. We barely lasted 24 hours. What happened? You wonder. I wonder. Everyone asks. I told him I would not move out of state with him. He got so angry and started yelling at me. Then he threatened to move back to where he was staying. After a long night of talking, arguing, and wasted energy, I gave him the last of my money so he could leave.
At 4:44am, I heard the door latch close. Just like that. He is gone.
Today I will try to mend broken hearts again, because he did not even say goodbye to his children. What a bastard.
I will apologize to my children for letting my guard down and allowing him to come home. I must have been insane.
I caved
About a month after the separation from my ex, somehow he convinced me to bring him home and “work it out” (for the sake of the kids).
August 2014
I’ve never considered myself a person with an addictive personality. I’ve done my share of drugs, drinking, etc. I’ve always been able to stop when I wanted. Without having withdrawals or extreme needs to go back to it. I’ve always been able to “take it or leave it.”
Things have transpired in the last week to show me that I actually do have an addictive personality. I’m not addicted to substances. I can’t quite put my finger on what to call it. So let me go into a little bit of what has happened.
To make a long story short, my husband is home. Yes, I allowed him back. I know, you don’t have to tell me. I’m insane. I’ve already questioned myself over and over. What was I thinking? Don’t get me wrong, he is being kind and sweet and all that goes along with making up after any fight, but I know in my heart I can’t give him that 100% that is necessary to make a relationship work. But I see the joy in my children’s faces now that their Dad is home. I buckled. I caved in. I think about how clean my house will be again. I think about how I hate being alone. I think I’m addicted to my struggle.
Reflections
July 2014
Nothing like a long drive and time near the water to give you time to think and reflect. I just got our vehicle out of the mechanic shop yesterday, and as I’m driving down the road, it is struggling and skipping. (It must be those hoses the mechanic said needed to be changed soon. My thoughts instantly turn to the last thing my son asked me before I left to pick it up from the mechanic,
“Mom, when are you going to get rid of that and get a new one?”
It stung my tenacity. I don’t give up. I believe ANYTHING can be salvaged. Which is precisely why I stayed married for so long. When you invest so much in something, it is difficult to give it up. We just replaced the engine, and now we are fixing everything on the new engine that we already fixed on the old one.
This drive, combined with soothing waters, has led me to consider buying a new vehicle.
I stopped to smell the rose
The past is behind me,
The future is before me;
They are both trying to steal today.
I am one person. Who has been handed everything. It’s time for “everything” to take a number and get in line. It will get done. Maybe not as fast as I or anyone else wants, but it will get done.
I have so many emotions going through me. They are all trying to come out at once. So I am going to attempt to get them out here.
Anger.
I am so angry with myself for hanging on for so long! I’m angry for agreeing to not pursue child-support. I might end up really regretting that later. I’m angry because he upped and left, moving 12 hrs away. The day before our son’s 16th birthday. I’m angry because of all the house repairs I’m left with that he would never fix. And I’m angry because I haven’t won the lottery yet, that sure would come in handy right now.
Overwhelmed.
I am extremely overwhelmed with the load I’ve been handed. The family business, sole provider for our children, taxi service for kids, and so much more, not to mention being a mom. Oh, and Dad, now.
Bitter.
I am bitter & resentful. I have contempt for the father of my children.
Hurt.
I am hurt and empty. So empty. I gave my all. Every ounce of my energy into making the marriage work. For example. I planned an anniversary trip to see his favorite MLB baseball team play a home game. The entire time we were there, it was all about him. I bought the tickets, I paid for the hotel, the gas, everything, souvenirs, etc. I even wrote him a poem, which he shredded in my face on the day after our return home. He gave me nothing for our anniversary. This was 5 days ago. When we got back, he even complained about some very intimate things.
Relieved.
It’s a relief to know he is 12 hours away and I don’t need to worry about him stopping by.
I’m a woman, so I’m entitled to be angry and relieved for the same reason. :)
Everyone asks how I am. I will quote you my exact reply,
“I am a mess. I do not regret my decision. But I am exhausted and overwhelmed. But I will be ok, thanks for asking.”
Coming to the end of this day, at a customer’s house, I was reminded to stop and smell this rose. A beautiful budding yellow rose. My favorite color and favorite flower.
Yoli's Write To Sanity 