Category: Single mom

Morse Code Cleaning

August 2014

All week I’ve been cleaning the house “Morse Code” style. It goes something like this: wash dishes…stop…. Take kids to school… Stop…. Work… Stop… Go home, pull everything out of the closet …. Stop…. Pick up kids from school… Stop …. Bag up unwanted stuff I pulled out of closet… Stop… Fix dinner….stop….sweep out closet and reorganize… Stop….
And so on it goes. The good news is, with perseverance I’ve accomplished cleaning 2 1/2 rooms in 5 days! I would not have been able to accomplish this if it wasn’t for the advice of Missives by Michelle | A Lifestyle Blog
http://missivesbymichelle.com/ I would not have been able to accomplish everything I did yesterday, As the ex kept texting me at the speed if light. I lost count after 12 consecutive texts in a row.
Indifference is liberating.
Read: Love, the four letter word, used to describe everything from chocolate to a vacation on the beach. People toss the word around as easy as they breathe. C.S. Lewis wrote a book entitled The Four Loves.
Love, Hate or Indifferent
Relationships, Storge, Moving On, C.S. Lewis, Eros, Forgiveness, The Four Loves, Everyday Life, Divorce, Marriage, Hate, Love, Philia, Behavioral Response, Indifference, Agape
http://missivesbymichelle.com/2014/08/21/love-hate-or-indifferent/
It was a tremendous help to me yesterday!

July 29, 2014

“Simplify still resounds in my mind today!

If I’m not working…. I’m driving. If I’m not driving…. I’m working. It is 7:30pm in my hometown. It’s the first time I’ve sat to relax. First decent meal… Made for myself. I am enjoying a few shots of tequila and a delicious Corona.
Being this busy only gives you time to think. The only thing I am alone with is my thoughts.
I keep seeing and hearing the same thing flash in my mind over and over… “Simplify”. “Simplify your life”.
I’m overbooked, overworked, overtired. If I do not heed my internal warning signs I may be overdone from insanity.

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July 26, 2014

I considered deleting all these old posts, but I hope that my transparency will be of help or inspiration to someone going through what I did.

Thank god my life is so much better now. I am better too.

I sit broken, Looking for direction, Feeling alone. I know this is my life but my life was meant to be shared, not hoarded and kept to myself.
I’m learning a lot about myself in this process. Being separated from my husband (soon ex-husband) has a caused me to look inside.
Ive learned that I have a kind, gracious heart. Last night our son played a show in town. I had a strong desire to send “Dad” a video of some of the songs they played. I had to remind myself that he has made no effort nor any attempts to contact his children since he left more then 3 weeks ago.
I learned that I believe in people, Even when they aren’t exhibiting very good character qualities. I told our son that one of the hardest things for me to “get-over” is his lack of concern for the children. Our son said, “Mom, did you really expect anything different?” I said, “Yes, son, I did. I had confidence in him.” He said, “Not me. I lost all confidence in that guy.”
I’ve also learned that even though I have no desire to remain married to this man. There is still a “letting go” process. I have to let go of my strong desire to see him stay in contact with our children.
There are so many things out of my control. I have to let go of all of them.
I’ve learned that I do not like to be alone. I miss adult companionship.
I learned I can chug 2 beers, have a public melt-down, and get myself back together all within 60 seconds.
I’ve learned that I am not done learning.

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July 23,2014

He invades my thoughts I want him out. He came to me in my dream and turned it into a nightmare. It was full of violence. It felt so real that when I woke up I was so drained of energy. I know I can choose one thought over another, but I feel so vulnerable when it comes to sleep. I am afraid he will visit again. I am so tired. Tonight I sip some wine in hopes I sleep through any dream invasions.

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July 22, 2014

WHILE I HEAL

I want to erase every memory of my ex. I want to forget his very existence.
Surely this can’t be healthy.
I do not want to be consumed with bitterness and resentment. Though this is where I am. I don’t want him coming to me in my dreams. He isn’t welcome there. He turns them into violent nightmares.
Oh how often I wished he would die. Yet he remains. I wish I had never met him.
I will forever see his face in the faces of my children.
I do not even want him to be a memory. He is no longer a piece of me.
At some point I hope this feeling gets flushed out of my system. It doesn’t feel good. It is not me, but the feelings are here. The pain is real, demanding yet again to be felt.
Doctors give us 6-8 weeks for recovery after surgery. It’s been less then that since our separation. So I will give myself time and space to continue to heal.

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July 21, 2014

Those boundaries I was supposed to be setting aren’t real sturdy. I let my guard down today. I let my ex get to me. Now I feel so emotionless, so numb. Just a human existence. I discovered my kitty curled up “asleep”. All day I’ve been asking where she was, no one had seen her. Then I found her. No longer breathing. All I can do is let out a breath. A big sigh. I have no tears. I can’t even feel. I see tears stream down my 5yr olds face. I am not moved. I hold him close. Try my best to comfort him. Tonight, Mommy doesn’t have much comfort to give. All I have is my embrace, and I hope that is enough.

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July 18, 2014

pain demands to be felt
I felt the darkness closing in on me like a flood. It’s dark waters rose higher and higher until it was over my head. Even though I know how to swim these waters were different then clear waters. They were dark and thick and had a force trying to pull me under. They rose far above my head. The only thing I knew to do was take a deep breath, plug my nose and dive under.
A friend reminded me that sometimes pain demands to be felt. I have a high tolerance to physical pain. Waking up with bruises I can’t explain. It’s spilled over into my emotions, I’ve built a tolerance for pain there as well. At times darkness will over cloud my soul and I don’t know why.
My goal and challenge for today is to allow the pain to be felt. Feelings are my friend. They are trying to tell me that there is something going on that needs my attention.
Being alone my not feel good, but today it is good FOR me.

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July 17, 2014

I’m learning a lot about myself. Friends are telling me the same thing, “boundaries! Set boundaries.”
I’ve noticed that when ever I spend any time talking to my Ex, I feel drained and even on the verge of depression. No, the conversations weren’t volatile. They were kind, friendly, small talk. Yet, I still come away with less energy. Yesterday we didn’t talk. I never initiate the texts. Anyway, I had so much energy by the end of the day!
The point I am trying to make, this morning, is that I need to set up some boundaries. I need to limit the amount of time we talk. Ironically he isn’t texting any of the children. He has their phone numbers. No, it’s me, because I am a compassionate giver.
No more. Boundaries are being constructed. I need all the energy for my children and myself.

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July 16, 2014

I like a clean, tidy, uncluttered home. Although, I don’t mind it to be lived in from time to time.

At this point I will now refer to my husband as my “ex”. After all, isn’t that the goal

My ex is extremely OCD and anal about having a clean home. He didn’t even think it should look like people lived here. He liked it to look like a “show-case” home at all times.
We have several children, and you can imagine how stressful it was for me to keep up with his demands of keeping the house clean. Somehow, I managed it. I kept it neat, tidy and uncluttered. After many years of living this way, I’ve adapted to enjoying the house more when it is clean. It’s less stressful. I feel like, if my home is cluttered, then everything else in my life is cluttered. Possibly because I heard a preachers wife say those exact words and it fit his belief system.
Since he left, the house has been a mess. Hang on, I have a few excuses. First, I am sole-provider of everything! So, I’m really busy. I am self-employed, I have a cleaning service. Ironic.
Secondly, I think because he demanded it, I quit. I stopped cleaning because it was what HE wanted.
Little by little, I am conquering my house again. This time because I want it clean. He doesn’t live here anymore, so who cares what he thinks! On a positive note; I cleaned out the fridge and found 2 beautiful Purple Haze Abita beer hiding behind all those biology projects. (Winning!)
Oh, and I do not judge people with messy homes or hoarders or clutter. I don’t even like to complain about them (like he would). Those messes pay my bills.

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Photo courtesy of google