Category: Self employed

September 28, 2014

RIGHT SIDE UP
Normally when you go through a divorce or separation even from an abusive one, it is said that “your world is turned upside down”.
Everything in life is a matter of perspective, how you perceive things. The way you perceive things will affect the way you feel. The way you feel will affect your whole entire attitude.
Since my ex left on July 1st I am so much happier. I am free to be myself. I am free to live by MY convictions instead of living to please someone else. I feel more accomplished. Did I mention that I am happier? I’m no longer walking on egg-shells. I no longer have to worry about someone getting angry with me for no reason. I no longer live in fear from day to day.

No, my world was not “turned upside down” it was turned RIGHT SIDE UP and I am better for it. Oh, and I’m SO much happier.

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September 27, 2014

The divorce is soon approaching. I’m excited and nervous. Excited that it’s coming to a close, but nervous that my ex will try to delay it anyway he can.
This past week I had to attend a Conflict Resolution class aka an Anger Management Class for one of my boys who got in a fight at school. The things she explained about anger and how we deal with things brought back so many memories of how my ex would be. She talked about how when someone gets in your face the natural reaction is to lash out or push them away. All this time my ex tried to convince me that I was the abusive one because I would defend myself or push him away etc.
It really got me to thinking about my life with him. His abuse etc. I feel like it is time to dig deeper. I’ve tried to ignore and forget all he did, but I think it’s time to face it instead.

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Morse Code Cleaning

August 2014

All week I’ve been cleaning the house “Morse Code” style. It goes something like this: wash dishes…stop…. Take kids to school… Stop…. Work… Stop… Go home, pull everything out of the closet …. Stop…. Pick up kids from school… Stop …. Bag up unwanted stuff I pulled out of closet… Stop… Fix dinner….stop….sweep out closet and reorganize… Stop….
And so on it goes. The good news is, with perseverance I’ve accomplished cleaning 2 1/2 rooms in 5 days! I would not have been able to accomplish this if it wasn’t for the advice of Missives by Michelle | A Lifestyle Blog
http://missivesbymichelle.com/ I would not have been able to accomplish everything I did yesterday, As the ex kept texting me at the speed if light. I lost count after 12 consecutive texts in a row.
Indifference is liberating.
Read: Love, the four letter word, used to describe everything from chocolate to a vacation on the beach. People toss the word around as easy as they breathe. C.S. Lewis wrote a book entitled The Four Loves.
Love, Hate or Indifferent
Relationships, Storge, Moving On, C.S. Lewis, Eros, Forgiveness, The Four Loves, Everyday Life, Divorce, Marriage, Hate, Love, Philia, Behavioral Response, Indifference, Agape
http://missivesbymichelle.com/2014/08/21/love-hate-or-indifferent/
It was a tremendous help to me yesterday!

July 29, 2014

“Simplify still resounds in my mind today!

If I’m not working…. I’m driving. If I’m not driving…. I’m working. It is 7:30pm in my hometown. It’s the first time I’ve sat to relax. First decent meal… Made for myself. I am enjoying a few shots of tequila and a delicious Corona.
Being this busy only gives you time to think. The only thing I am alone with is my thoughts.
I keep seeing and hearing the same thing flash in my mind over and over… “Simplify”. “Simplify your life”.
I’m overbooked, overworked, overtired. If I do not heed my internal warning signs I may be overdone from insanity.

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July 26, 2014

I considered deleting all these old posts, but I hope that my transparency will be of help or inspiration to someone going through what I did.

Thank god my life is so much better now. I am better too.

I sit broken, Looking for direction, Feeling alone. I know this is my life but my life was meant to be shared, not hoarded and kept to myself.
I’m learning a lot about myself in this process. Being separated from my husband (soon ex-husband) has a caused me to look inside.
Ive learned that I have a kind, gracious heart. Last night our son played a show in town. I had a strong desire to send “Dad” a video of some of the songs they played. I had to remind myself that he has made no effort nor any attempts to contact his children since he left more then 3 weeks ago.
I learned that I believe in people, Even when they aren’t exhibiting very good character qualities. I told our son that one of the hardest things for me to “get-over” is his lack of concern for the children. Our son said, “Mom, did you really expect anything different?” I said, “Yes, son, I did. I had confidence in him.” He said, “Not me. I lost all confidence in that guy.”
I’ve also learned that even though I have no desire to remain married to this man. There is still a “letting go” process. I have to let go of my strong desire to see him stay in contact with our children.
There are so many things out of my control. I have to let go of all of them.
I’ve learned that I do not like to be alone. I miss adult companionship.
I learned I can chug 2 beers, have a public melt-down, and get myself back together all within 60 seconds.
I’ve learned that I am not done learning.

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July 18, 2014

pain demands to be felt
I felt the darkness closing in on me like a flood. It’s dark waters rose higher and higher until it was over my head. Even though I know how to swim these waters were different then clear waters. They were dark and thick and had a force trying to pull me under. They rose far above my head. The only thing I knew to do was take a deep breath, plug my nose and dive under.
A friend reminded me that sometimes pain demands to be felt. I have a high tolerance to physical pain. Waking up with bruises I can’t explain. It’s spilled over into my emotions, I’ve built a tolerance for pain there as well. At times darkness will over cloud my soul and I don’t know why.
My goal and challenge for today is to allow the pain to be felt. Feelings are my friend. They are trying to tell me that there is something going on that needs my attention.
Being alone my not feel good, but today it is good FOR me.

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July 16, 2014

I like a clean, tidy, uncluttered home. Although, I don’t mind it to be lived in from time to time.

At this point I will now refer to my husband as my “ex”. After all, isn’t that the goal

My ex is extremely OCD and anal about having a clean home. He didn’t even think it should look like people lived here. He liked it to look like a “show-case” home at all times.
We have several children, and you can imagine how stressful it was for me to keep up with his demands of keeping the house clean. Somehow, I managed it. I kept it neat, tidy and uncluttered. After many years of living this way, I’ve adapted to enjoying the house more when it is clean. It’s less stressful. I feel like, if my home is cluttered, then everything else in my life is cluttered. Possibly because I heard a preachers wife say those exact words and it fit his belief system.
Since he left, the house has been a mess. Hang on, I have a few excuses. First, I am sole-provider of everything! So, I’m really busy. I am self-employed, I have a cleaning service. Ironic.
Secondly, I think because he demanded it, I quit. I stopped cleaning because it was what HE wanted.
Little by little, I am conquering my house again. This time because I want it clean. He doesn’t live here anymore, so who cares what he thinks! On a positive note; I cleaned out the fridge and found 2 beautiful Purple Haze Abita beer hiding behind all those biology projects. (Winning!)
Oh, and I do not judge people with messy homes or hoarders or clutter. I don’t even like to complain about them (like he would). Those messes pay my bills.

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Photo courtesy of google

July 15, 2014

Lucky me… His favorite food is Ramen Noodles!!

I forget that they are just as tired and weary as I am. This isn’t easy on ANY of us. We all have to use extra energy to get through our days and deal with our individual struggles. This little guy has been spoiled. He is our baby, and he is a picky eater. There is no more splurging for a while. You can’t have what I don’t have on hand. He doesn’t understand and it’s frustrating to him. Kids are resilient. They bounce back, but I need to remember that they are tired too.

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July 14, 2014

The walls are closing in on me
So fast, their vacuum force is sucking the breath right from my lungs. I feel trapped. I feel I can’t breath. I feel I can’t move as they get closer and closer. It’s getting stuffy, almost stifling hot. The air is thick and my chest feels heavy. It’s getting dark, my breaths are shallow. It’s getting harder and harder to breathe. I can’t see, there is no light in here. Total darkness. They’re moving closer and closer, I can feel the corners. It’s pressing on me faster and faster with urgent force. My arms and legs can’t keep the walls from getting closer. Trying with all my might, pushing as hard as I can. I am no match for the strength of these walls. Walls are supposed to be for our protection but theses walls are going to be the death of me.

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