In 2010 all the abuse came to head. I could no longer continue with my husband as long as he continued to be abusive. It was a frightful horrific night that led me to call the police. I will tell that story some other time. That week I filed for a restraining order. He had no where to go except to his Pastor/employer. The man was gracious enough to allow him to live in the youth departments loft.
At that time I was not ready for a divorce. I just wanted him to be different. I wanted him to change, and his anger and violence be gone. So after several weeks of him promising to be different, begging my forgiveness and actually acting like he loved me and the children I allowed him to come back home. He was a changed man (temporarily).  He was nice and sweet and rarely became angry. I was surprised but thankful.  I noticed a lot of changes in him, but I also noticed some things in me that I was unaware of.
The more he tried to be sweet and loving, the less I wanted it.  My heart was hard and cold. There was so much damage done. I did not trust him. I was emotionally detached from him.  I tried my best to reconnect.  He would still have moments where he would fall back to his old self and each of those moments would cause me to put my walls right back up. I was beginning to realize that I still did not like the person he was.  I thought if he wasn’t so violent then that would be the cure to our marriage. I  never thought about things such as “compatibility”  or “soulmate” and “true intimacy”. We are complete opposites. Didn’t like the same foods, same people or same places. I would always give in and go along with everything he liked and wanted. I was beginning to feel like I was just a puppet. I wasn’t ME when I was with him.
I am a positive thinker. He was negative about everything. Nothing about us connected or clicked.  We were just going through the motions of a marriage,  “for the sake of the kids”.
He was a lot calmer for about 2 years, then his anger began to resurface. This time I didn’t care. I was beginning to realize that I deserved better. So I began to stand up for myself. I wouldn’t allow him to boss me around anymore.  I began to withdraw and spend more time by myself. The less i was around him the better I felt about myself. I began thinking about divorce but I couldn’t see a way out. I felt so trapped and so miserable,  like there was no hope of escape.  I felt doomed to be in this prison (or so it felt). I would dream and visualize what it would be like to be free.
Dreams do come true, and if you can visualize it, it can happen.
It happened for me.  It happened suddenly and unexpectedly. My divorce has been final for 2 weeks.  I have never felt such freedom and a relief!  If you want something bad enough, fate will find a way to bring it to you. Keep believing and holding on to your dreams.
– Peace, love and Mist

Ironically I’m having one of these days!

“I don’t see how you do it.” I hear often. My reply is always an honest answer, “sometimes I don’t”.

Still going through a divorce, I run my own business, I have 6 dependents still at home. So, no. Sometimes I don’t get it all done. Today is “sometimes.”

Today I feel the weight, but feelings are my friend. They tell me that I have something going on that needs To be addressed. Once I identify the source then I can work on the problem. Usually the problem is my thinking. Or rather my focus. I have to listen to the advice that I tell every one else, “it’s going to work out. It always does and always will”.

How do I do it? One day at a time.

RIGHT SIDE UP
Normally when you go through a divorce or separation even from an abusive one, it is said that “your world is turned upside down”.
Everything in life is a matter of perspective, how you perceive things. The way you perceive things will affect the way you feel. The way you feel will affect your whole entire attitude.
Since my ex left on July 1st I am so much happier. I am free to be myself. I am free to live by MY convictions instead of living to please someone else. I feel more accomplished. Did I mention that I am happier? I’m no longer walking on egg-shells. I no longer have to worry about someone getting angry with me for no reason. I no longer live in fear from day to day.

No, my world was not “turned upside down” it was turned RIGHT SIDE UP and I am better for it. Oh, and I’m SO much happier.