July 18, 2014

pain demands to be felt
I felt the darkness closing in on me like a flood. It’s dark waters rose higher and higher until it was over my head. Even though I know how to swim these waters were different then clear waters. They were dark and thick and had a force trying to pull me under. They rose far above my head. The only thing I knew to do was take a deep breath, plug my nose and dive under.
A friend reminded me that sometimes pain demands to be felt. I have a high tolerance to physical pain. Waking up with bruises I can’t explain. It’s spilled over into my emotions, I’ve built a tolerance for pain there as well. At times darkness will over cloud my soul and I don’t know why.
My goal and challenge for today is to allow the pain to be felt. Feelings are my friend. They are trying to tell me that there is something going on that needs my attention.
Being alone my not feel good, but today it is good FOR me.

July 16, 2014

I like a clean, tidy, uncluttered home. Although, I don’t mind it to be lived in from time to time.

At this point I will now refer to my husband as my “ex”. After all, isn’t that the goal

My ex is extremely OCD and anal about having a clean home. He didn’t even think it should look like people lived here. He liked it to look like a “show-case” home at all times.
We have several children, and you can imagine how stressful it was for me to keep up with his demands of keeping the house clean. Somehow, I managed it. I kept it neat, tidy and uncluttered. After many years of living this way, I’ve adapted to enjoying the house more when it is clean. It’s less stressful. I feel like, if my home is cluttered, then everything else in my life is cluttered. Possibly because I heard a preachers wife say those exact words and it fit his belief system.
Since he left, the house has been a mess. Hang on, I have a few excuses. First, I am sole-provider of everything! So, I’m really busy. I am self-employed, I have a cleaning service. Ironic.
Secondly, I think because he demanded it, I quit. I stopped cleaning because it was what HE wanted.
Little by little, I am conquering my house again. This time because I want it clean. He doesn’t live here anymore, so who cares what he thinks! On a positive note; I cleaned out the fridge and found 2 beautiful Purple Haze Abita beer hiding behind all those biology projects. (Winning!)
Oh, and I do not judge people with messy homes or hoarders or clutter. I don’t even like to complain about them (like he would). Those messes pay my bills.

Photo courtesy of google

July 15, 2014

Lucky me… His favorite food is Ramen Noodles!!

I forget that they are just as tired and weary as I am. This isn’t easy on ANY of us. We all have to use extra energy to get through our days and deal with our individual struggles. This little guy has been spoiled. He is our baby, and he is a picky eater. There is no more splurging for a while. You can’t have what I don’t have on hand. He doesn’t understand and it’s frustrating to him. Kids are resilient. They bounce back, but I need to remember that they are tired too.

July 14, 2014

The walls are closing in on me
So fast, their vacuum force is sucking the breath right from my lungs. I feel trapped. I feel I can’t breath. I feel I can’t move as they get closer and closer. It’s getting stuffy, almost stifling hot. The air is thick and my chest feels heavy. It’s getting dark, my breaths are shallow. It’s getting harder and harder to breathe. I can’t see, there is no light in here. Total darkness. They’re moving closer and closer, I can feel the corners. It’s pressing on me faster and faster with urgent force. My arms and legs can’t keep the walls from getting closer. Trying with all my might, pushing as hard as I can. I am no match for the strength of these walls. Walls are supposed to be for our protection but theses walls are going to be the death of me.

July 13, 2014

I don’t miss him, not really. Then why do I feel these emotions? What are these? Where are they coming from? I don’t want him back. I don’t miss him. Some times I still feel sorry for him.
I want so badly to exceed him. To do and accomplish everything he said I couldn’t. I want him to be lonely and miserable. I don’t want him to succeed. I want him to struggle.
Please forgive my transparency. I don’t want to feel this way. I suppose today as I face the source of my emotions, Its good to be honest.
As my 5yr old comes to check on me, he sees a tear roll down my cheek. He looks at me straight in the eyes, no words spoken. I smile at him real big, he smiles back with a look of relief.
I’m not where I want to be in my emotions and forgiveness of him, but as I keep smiling, I’m letting my family know that I will get there. Just give me time.

July 11, 2014

“He walked away from everything, who was I to think that he wouldn’t walk away from me also.”

Those were my closing thoughts yesterday. Although my days are twice as busy now that I have all the responsibility of caring for my family. My days are more fulfilled. I feel accomplished. After setting a goal to not worry about what he thinks. It freed me to be myself, and to do as I please.
Now that I am busy working for 2 people and being 2 parents, I do not have time to engage in his childish BS. While I am working he is sending back to back texts full of accusations and self-pity. I laugh. He has no job, staying with his brother… He only has time to throw BS my way.
At the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I’ve accomplished many things. Not everything, but plenty. And oh! I forgot to reply to his text, go figure.

July 8, 2014

Today I will lie

Today I will lie, in the face of our customers. To protect him once again. Or is it me that I protect? I do not feel like explaining the situation. We looked REALLY good on the outside. No one would believe me. They adore him. So today, I will lie.

Seize the day

July 2014

How ironic that I am currently lingering in the same place… Must be a habit😜

Lingering In bed with so much to do
Haven’t enough energy to get out of bed
Laying here working on my thoughts to subdue

I cling to my pillow and write a poem instead
Push that thought over there and this one over here
Keeping the ones I don’t want to forget

Lazily I turn to this day as I peer
Into its list of activities it bids me to attempt
I calculate the time and some will wait I fear

I reluctantly release pillow to begin my assent
Nothing gets accomplished while lingering amongst sheets
Although their comforting warmth sure do tempt

I arise to face the day and it’s activities defeat
Until this evening,my pillow, once again to it I’ll retreat

I can’t change that

July 7, 2014

Back to a busy work week. This week I will work on bringing structure back to our lives. After I’ve been able to do that, to where I am comfortable with the way things are flowing; THEN I will be able to work on me. Kids are so resilient. I’m not saying they are not affected. I am saying, they bounce back well. The younger ones, that is. My 13yr old daughter is struggling. She witnessed the entire happenings. Yet that is her Daddy, and like any normal child, she didn’t want her Daddy to go so far away. I keep waiting for my 5yr old to ask when Daddy will be coming home, but he hasn’t, not yet.
I took a few days to think and clear my head as best as I could before I responded to my oldest daughters vicious letter. Today I will send her my response. I do not know what the outcome will be, but that is one thing I am choosing to not focus on. She is an adult and makes her own choices. I can not change that. Wow. I should carry this thought over into my failed marriage. “He is an adult, and makes his own choices and I can not change that.” Wow. I felt a little pressure lift just then. Thank you WP blogging! For a place where I can get this out, and see it laid out in front of me.
Happy Monday!

Sunday draught

July 6, 2014

No tears this bright Sunday morning. The drought has come, the rain is gone, my soul has been left dry and barren. I am numb.
I like this feeling better then the emotional feelings where everything comes out in tears. I feel more in control. Could it be because I am suppressing my feelings? Possibly. Today I feel like I can at least work on my house. Getting it back in order as I prepare for a busy work week.
I know it will take time to flush out my system from everything that 24 yrs has ingrained in me. So, suppressed I may be today, tomorrow is a new day. I will work on my house today, instead of me.

We keep ourselves so tied up in regretting the past and fearing the future that we don’t have any energy left to figure out who we are and what we want

Happy Sunday ya’ll!
Peace, love and Mist

Yoli's Write To Sanity

Just Breathe And Write

Category: Work