March 28, 2015

We all do it at one point or another. We build walls to protect ourselves from being hurt.

When children grow up in an abusive environment they learn to create walls also, for their own protection.

Such defensive methods may actually ensure surviving emotionally and physically through challenging and threatening times. BUT…Years pass, however, and though we are now safe, these walls and other defensive mechanisms remain, and may sabotage our personal and professional lives. The wall is no longer needed, but it has become habitual.

Today I am not going to ask or suggest that you break down your walls. Instead I’m going to ask that you take a good look at them. Own them. Admit that they are there. You’ll realize that they are pretty thick and that you can’t see what’s on the other side.

The walls that were once your protection are now your prison. They are holding you back from moving forward. You have tremendous potential within you. Look up. Can you see the sun shining? See that blue sky? There’s a whole world on the other side of those walls waiting to meet you.

https://www.facebook.com/abreathofheaven/posts/862695903771894

March 12, 2015

I thought I had accepted my ex husbands lack of communication with my children. But it does something to a mothers heart when her children come to her crying because Dad won’t answer or return calls nor respond to texts.

Earlier this week we had an emergency involving one of the children and I felt that it would only be the right thing to let “Dad” know what was going on. I called and left him a pleasant message, then texted him asking him to call when he had a chance because there is a child related. Emergency. He sent me a text that stated, “I’m not calling.” At this point I’m still calm and understanding because he and I can not be near each other without a fight ensuing. I reminded him that if I was actually willing to speak with him on the phone then it must be pretty serious. His response was, “text it or handle it”. So I went ahead and texted to horrible news to him. He said, “I care nothing of what you need to do, handle it” I said, “ok, I’ll pass this on to _____” (the child in this emergency)

His dickhead response was “whatever”.

I know I need to move forward and move on with my life… And I will, but it’s the stress of dealing with the broken hearts of my children that’s wearing me down. That poor child may never trust a man again. And i don’t blame her. Will I be able to trust again?

March 10, 2015

I thought that leaving an abusive marriage after 24 years was hard. Even more difficult was when their father refused to reply to the children’s texts. But last week threw me a curve ball. The hardest thing I have yet to face. The words I heard coming out of my daughters lips. Never did I ever imagine it could or would happen to my family. I knew what I had to do. I knew what the right thing was, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Just because it’s right, Doesn’t make it easy. I had to make the call. I had to tell them what I knew and what I’ve been told.

Here I am, newly single mom, sole-provider… Financially, emotionally and any other “ly” necessary. Here I am trying to be strong, yet so broken. I don’t remember the last night I remained sober. Some things you just don’t want to think about or remember. I have to be strong for my daughter, but yet I know in my heart this means I have lost a son. The pain of knowing the truth isn’t as hard as the pain of the precious memories I have.

I thought about Going to get on antidepressants… But I’m already numb, I already sleep well from mental and physical exhaustion… I don’t need anything that’ll suppress the sex drive… That’s my only release! Oh … To be able to start life over, wouldn’t that be grand?

November 16, 2014

In 2010 all the abuse came to head. I could no longer continue with my husband as long as he continued to be abusive. It was a frightful horrific night that led me to call the police. I will tell that story some other time. That week I filed for a restraining order. He had no where to go except to his Pastor/employer. The man was gracious enough to allow him to live in the youth departments loft.
At that time I was not ready for a divorce. I just wanted him to be different. I wanted him to change, and his anger and violence be gone. So after several weeks of him promising to be different, begging my forgiveness and actually acting like he loved me and the children I allowed him to come back home. He was a changed man (temporarily). He was nice and sweet and rarely became angry. I was surprised but thankful. I noticed a lot of changes in him, but I also noticed some things in me that I was unaware of.
The more he tried to be sweet and loving, the less I wanted it. My heart was hard and cold. There was so much damage done. I did not trust him. I was emotionally detached from him. I tried my best to reconnect. He would still have moments where he would fall back to his old self and each of those moments would cause me to put my walls right back up. I was beginning to realize that I still did not like the person he was. I thought if he wasn’t so violent then that would be the cure to our marriage. I never thought about things such as “compatibility” or “soulmate” and “true intimacy”. We are complete opposites. Didn’t like the same foods, same people or same places. I would always give in and go along with everything he liked and wanted. I was beginning to feel like I was just a puppet. I wasn’t ME when I was with him.
I am a positive thinker. He was negative about everything. Nothing about us connected or clicked. We were just going through the motions of a marriage, “for the sake of the kids”.
He was a lot calmer for about 2 years, then his anger began to resurface. This time I didn’t care. I was beginning to realize that I deserved better. So I began to stand up for myself. I wouldn’t allow him to boss me around anymore. I began to withdraw and spend more time by myself. The less i was around him the better I felt about myself. I began thinking about divorce but I couldn’t see a way out. I felt so trapped and so miserable, like there was no hope of escape. I felt doomed to be in this prison (or so it felt). I would dream and visualize what it would be like to be free.
Dreams do come true, and if you can visualize it, it can happen.
It happened for me. It happened suddenly and unexpectedly. My divorce has been final for 2 weeks. I have never felt such freedom and a relief! If you want something bad enough, fate will find a way to bring it to you. Keep believing and holding on to your dreams.
– Peace, love and Mist

September 28, 2014

RIGHT SIDE UP
Normally when you go through a divorce or separation even from an abusive one, it is said that “your world is turned upside down”.
Everything in life is a matter of perspective, how you perceive things. The way you perceive things will affect the way you feel. The way you feel will affect your whole entire attitude.
Since my ex left on July 1st I am so much happier. I am free to be myself. I am free to live by MY convictions instead of living to please someone else. I feel more accomplished. Did I mention that I am happier? I’m no longer walking on egg-shells. I no longer have to worry about someone getting angry with me for no reason. I no longer live in fear from day to day.

No, my world was not “turned upside down” it was turned RIGHT SIDE UP and I am better for it. Oh, and I’m SO much happier.

July 26, 2014

I considered deleting all these old posts, but I hope that my transparency will be of help or inspiration to someone going through what I did.

Thank god my life is so much better now. I am better too.

I sit broken, Looking for direction, Feeling alone. I know this is my life but my life was meant to be shared, not hoarded and kept to myself.
I’m learning a lot about myself in this process. Being separated from my husband (soon ex-husband) has a caused me to look inside.
Ive learned that I have a kind, gracious heart. Last night our son played a show in town. I had a strong desire to send “Dad” a video of some of the songs they played. I had to remind myself that he has made no effort nor any attempts to contact his children since he left more then 3 weeks ago.
I learned that I believe in people, Even when they aren’t exhibiting very good character qualities. I told our son that one of the hardest things for me to “get-over” is his lack of concern for the children. Our son said, “Mom, did you really expect anything different?” I said, “Yes, son, I did. I had confidence in him.” He said, “Not me. I lost all confidence in that guy.”
I’ve also learned that even though I have no desire to remain married to this man. There is still a “letting go” process. I have to let go of my strong desire to see him stay in contact with our children.
There are so many things out of my control. I have to let go of all of them.
I’ve learned that I do not like to be alone. I miss adult companionship.
I learned I can chug 2 beers, have a public melt-down, and get myself back together all within 60 seconds.
I’ve learned that I am not done learning.

July 16, 2014

I like a clean, tidy, uncluttered home. Although, I don’t mind it to be lived in from time to time.

At this point I will now refer to my husband as my “ex”. After all, isn’t that the goal

My ex is extremely OCD and anal about having a clean home. He didn’t even think it should look like people lived here. He liked it to look like a “show-case” home at all times.
We have several children, and you can imagine how stressful it was for me to keep up with his demands of keeping the house clean. Somehow, I managed it. I kept it neat, tidy and uncluttered. After many years of living this way, I’ve adapted to enjoying the house more when it is clean. It’s less stressful. I feel like, if my home is cluttered, then everything else in my life is cluttered. Possibly because I heard a preachers wife say those exact words and it fit his belief system.
Since he left, the house has been a mess. Hang on, I have a few excuses. First, I am sole-provider of everything! So, I’m really busy. I am self-employed, I have a cleaning service. Ironic.
Secondly, I think because he demanded it, I quit. I stopped cleaning because it was what HE wanted.
Little by little, I am conquering my house again. This time because I want it clean. He doesn’t live here anymore, so who cares what he thinks! On a positive note; I cleaned out the fridge and found 2 beautiful Purple Haze Abita beer hiding behind all those biology projects. (Winning!)
Oh, and I do not judge people with messy homes or hoarders or clutter. I don’t even like to complain about them (like he would). Those messes pay my bills.

Photo courtesy of google

July 11, 2014

“He walked away from everything, who was I to think that he wouldn’t walk away from me also.”

Those were my closing thoughts yesterday. Although my days are twice as busy now that I have all the responsibility of caring for my family. My days are more fulfilled. I feel accomplished. After setting a goal to not worry about what he thinks. It freed me to be myself, and to do as I please.
Now that I am busy working for 2 people and being 2 parents, I do not have time to engage in his childish BS. While I am working he is sending back to back texts full of accusations and self-pity. I laugh. He has no job, staying with his brother… He only has time to throw BS my way.
At the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I’ve accomplished many things. Not everything, but plenty. And oh! I forgot to reply to his text, go figure.

Sunday draught

July 6, 2014

No tears this bright Sunday morning. The drought has come, the rain is gone, my soul has been left dry and barren. I am numb.
I like this feeling better then the emotional feelings where everything comes out in tears. I feel more in control. Could it be because I am suppressing my feelings? Possibly. Today I feel like I can at least work on my house. Getting it back in order as I prepare for a busy work week.
I know it will take time to flush out my system from everything that 24 yrs has ingrained in me. So, suppressed I may be today, tomorrow is a new day. I will work on my house today, instead of me.

We keep ourselves so tied up in regretting the past and fearing the future that we don’t have any energy left to figure out who we are and what we want

Happy Sunday ya’ll!
Peace, love and Mist

Fueled my fire

2014

Another day, a lot more tears. I am laying in a pit of self-pity looking up through the opening at the beautiful blue sky. It feels like there are vines tangled around my heart holding me down.
My oldest daughter sent me the most vicious, hateful letter last night. She said things just like the pro she learned from, her father. Words too vile to print on this screen. Emotions I hope NO mother ever hears from a child. I literally have chest pains. If I wasn’t under so much stress and heartache right now, I would run myself to the ER.
I see a passing cloud, as tears pour out my eyes. I can’t move. No, I can, but I don’t want to.
He has already purchased a new truck for himself, while I drive the shit he left me with that needs a new radiator.

Ariana Grande has a song, “Problem”. My other daughter brings her radio and iPod into my room and plays me the song. “I’ve got one less problem without ya”. Our motto.

I feel heat. It’s in my soul, a fire, burning. I can feel it burning at these vines that are holding me down. The vines are helpless they are so fragile compared to the fire that’s growing. From the glow of the fire I can see more vines going all the way to the top. I will arise. I will climb out and conquer this day.

My son sent me this text: “We can do this. We will do this. It’s gonna be better than it ever has been. It’ll be hard but it’ll be worth it. Don’t get down. That’s what the purpose was behind all of this. To make us get down and depressed. Don’t let them have that power over you. Rise above so that one day they will look up from whatever out they find themselves in and realize their mistake.”

It’s a bonfire now!!!

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Category: Personal Essay