Category: Single-Mom

Not today

july 5, 2014

I woke up still fully clothed. Last nights whiskey bottle helped me to forget my circumstances for an evening. Of course life was still the same when I woke up. Thoughts flood my mind. I am so anxious and intent on getting past this! I am ready to move forward in my emotions. I feel like there are some things that I need to let go of. Places my thoughts continually go.
I want so bad to give him a list of everything he has done that has hurt me so. But I wouldn’t be content for him to just read that list, I would want him to embrace the list, admit that it is true and then sincerely apologize for it all. I want to see him be regretful. I want him to confess that he f**ked up. I can’t make him. I can’t control that. So therefore, I need to let it go. Let go of my need for restitution.
Not today though, while he sits at his brothers house eating smoked ribs, etc. I lay in bed this morning wondering what I am going to feed my children. I guess it’ll be Ramen noodles again today.
I really do want to move on. I will. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. I will, but not today.

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Fueled my fire

2014

Another day, a lot more tears. I am laying in a pit of self-pity looking up through the opening at the beautiful blue sky. It feels like there are vines tangled around my heart holding me down.
My oldest daughter sent me the most vicious, hateful letter last night. She said things just like the pro she learned from, her father. Words too vile to print on this screen. Emotions I hope NO mother ever hears from a child. I literally have chest pains. If I wasn’t under so much stress and heartache right now, I would run myself to the ER.
I see a passing cloud, as tears pour out my eyes. I can’t move. No, I can, but I don’t want to.
He has already purchased a new truck for himself, while I drive the shit he left me with that needs a new radiator.

Ariana Grande has a song, “Problem”. My other daughter brings her radio and iPod into my room and plays me the song. “I’ve got one less problem without ya”. Our motto.

I feel heat. It’s in my soul, a fire, burning. I can feel it burning at these vines that are holding me down. The vines are helpless they are so fragile compared to the fire that’s growing. From the glow of the fire I can see more vines going all the way to the top. I will arise. I will climb out and conquer this day.

My son sent me this text: “We can do this. We will do this. It’s gonna be better than it ever has been. It’ll be hard but it’ll be worth it. Don’t get down. That’s what the purpose was behind all of this. To make us get down and depressed. Don’t let them have that power over you. Rise above so that one day they will look up from whatever out they find themselves in and realize their mistake.”

It’s a bonfire now!!!

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