My (ex)husband made me cry. Brought me to tears. Held me down forcefully. Dared me to succeed. Cursed my name, my existence and the breath I breathed. He watched me try to commit suicide and did nothing. He kept me weak. He was a curse, a reality that I had no friend or security in him, EVER. #comingOutOfTheCloset

Since divorce I am learning to become self-reliant in so many areas. Vehicle problems, basement flooding, child behavioral issues, financial struggles and more. Once upon a time these things were shared with a person who made them appear bigger and more problematic then they genuinely were. Money can be made, cars can be fixed, kids turn out ok in the end, and after hours of pumping water the basement will dry.
Being self-reliant is way better then relying on an unreliable person!

NOVEMBER 16, 2014
Here is the quote that challenged my thinking in regards to my marriage. I knew this quote was for me the moment I read it. I kept it and would read it several times a day.

End it now! Don’t waste another minute dealing with a toxic, negative, energy draining person. Some people are wired for negativity. They love being argumentative, combative and abusive. Run for your life as quickly as possible. Life is too short and unpredictable to deal with these emotional vampires, they feed off stressing you out, raising hell and creating drama for you. Their toxic energy will turn your hair gray overnight, cause you to gain weight and rob you of your health. Don’t waste valuable time trying to change them. Change yourself and get them out of your life!

Don’t say a word; leave all of your belongings if you have to in the middle of the night. Cut off all communication. Don’t take their calls. You have heard their Lies before. They will not change. They didn’t choose to change. It’s who they have decided to be.

Move to another city, if you must, and start all over again. Your life is worth it. You deserve to have peace of mind, a great relationship and an exciting life. Watch how dramatically your life will change for the better once you get this burden off your back. The Air you breathe will become fresh and invigorating. You will feel an infusion of exuberance, energy and love for life . With this stifling, suffocating and controlling person out of your life, get ready to live again and be the person that you’ve always wanted to be. Live life in your own terms not having to answer to anyone but yourself. Control your own destiny. You have something special . You have greatness within you.”
-Les Brown

In 2010 all the abuse came to head. I could no longer continue with my husband as long as he continued to be abusive. It was a frightful horrific night that led me to call the police. I will tell that story some other time. That week I filed for a restraining order. He had no where to go except to his Pastor/employer. The man was gracious enough to allow him to live in the youth departments loft.
At that time I was not ready for a divorce. I just wanted him to be different. I wanted him to change, and his anger and violence be gone. So after several weeks of him promising to be different, begging my forgiveness and actually acting like he loved me and the children I allowed him to come back home. He was a changed man (temporarily).  He was nice and sweet and rarely became angry. I was surprised but thankful.  I noticed a lot of changes in him, but I also noticed some things in me that I was unaware of.
The more he tried to be sweet and loving, the less I wanted it.  My heart was hard and cold. There was so much damage done. I did not trust him. I was emotionally detached from him.  I tried my best to reconnect.  He would still have moments where he would fall back to his old self and each of those moments would cause me to put my walls right back up. I was beginning to realize that I still did not like the person he was.  I thought if he wasn’t so violent then that would be the cure to our marriage. I  never thought about things such as “compatibility”  or “soulmate” and “true intimacy”. We are complete opposites. Didn’t like the same foods, same people or same places. I would always give in and go along with everything he liked and wanted. I was beginning to feel like I was just a puppet. I wasn’t ME when I was with him.
I am a positive thinker. He was negative about everything. Nothing about us connected or clicked.  We were just going through the motions of a marriage,  “for the sake of the kids”.
He was a lot calmer for about 2 years, then his anger began to resurface. This time I didn’t care. I was beginning to realize that I deserved better. So I began to stand up for myself. I wouldn’t allow him to boss me around anymore.  I began to withdraw and spend more time by myself. The less i was around him the better I felt about myself. I began thinking about divorce but I couldn’t see a way out. I felt so trapped and so miserable,  like there was no hope of escape.  I felt doomed to be in this prison (or so it felt). I would dream and visualize what it would be like to be free.
Dreams do come true, and if you can visualize it, it can happen.
It happened for me.  It happened suddenly and unexpectedly. My divorce has been final for 2 weeks.  I have never felt such freedom and a relief!  If you want something bad enough, fate will find a way to bring it to you. Keep believing and holding on to your dreams.
– Peace, love and Mist

Ironically I’m having one of these days!

“I don’t see how you do it.” I hear often. My reply is always an honest answer, “sometimes I don’t”.

Still going through a divorce, I run my own business, I have 6 dependents still at home. So, no. Sometimes I don’t get it all done. Today is “sometimes.”

Today I feel the weight, but feelings are my friend. They tell me that I have something going on that needs To be addressed. Once I identify the source then I can work on the problem. Usually the problem is my thinking. Or rather my focus. I have to listen to the advice that I tell every one else, “it’s going to work out. It always does and always will”.

How do I do it? One day at a time.