Category: Self employed

Mother’s Day 2015

A friend of mine posted on facebook how she believes it should be “Thankful Mothers Day” instead of “Happy”. Not everyone is happy this day. So many are grieving the loss of their mothers. Some have never met their mothers. Some moms are strung out on drugs. Some moms have lost custody of their children. There are so many variables that would or could make this an UNhappy Mother’s Day. Me? Oh, I’m spending my Mothers day visiting my suicidal son at the treatment center. Happy? No. Thankful? Yes. Thankful for life, thankful he is still alive. Thankful for all my other children who are doing their best to stay strong in the midst of a shitty year.

So, I bid you a THANKFUL Mother’s Day.
Peace (in the midst of all our storms)
Love (in spite of the hatred we feel towards our offenders)
and
Mist (yeah, that’s me… Just a vapor in this thing called “life”) 

 

May 10, 2015

I have found myself saying, “the hardest thing I’ve had to do”, over and over again. But here goes another time: the hardest thing I’ve had to do is let go of trying to keep my son alive.

He has attempted suicide twice, talked about it numerous times. 
His 13yr old sister looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “Mom, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.”
She is so right.
He is in a “treatment center” and they’re putting him in antidepressants… I told them he would just try to take the whole damn bottle. They told me that since he is a minor I am responsible to administer them to him. 
Oh great! Now I have to buy a safe? A lock? Wtf? Where am I supposed to hide these? The last bottle of pills he took … He took them right out of my purse! 
He is almost 17, I’ve not treated him as a child, but now they want me to administer medicine to him as if he’s a baby.  
I told the therapist who is supposed to be “helping” him, “I do not want to just treat his symptoms. Suicide and Major Depressive Disorder are only symptoms of something else going on inside of him. Can we please try to deal with the cause?” 
Oh… ((Insert big sigh here))… This is another one of those “hardest things I’ve had to do” this past year.  

 

A song of suicide

My son wrote this before attempting suicide May 7, 2014

I’ve lost my way

I know I must grow up fast,
No time to make this last.
I’ve got to be rollin’ down the bin,
No time for irresponsible sin 

I am the one to make this go around,

But I’d still like to be 6 feet under ground.

Is this the way?
For sure I cannot say.
Only time will tell,
If we win or if we lose.
For we live with the choices
That we choose
  

May 8, 2014

WHAT A DAY


I had my day planned, scheduled to be off for the first time in what seemed like forever! I was going to get SO much done!

Morning routines were moving along as usual, a bickering sibling to the other. Perfectly normal stuff. 
My son spit his toothpaste into the kitchen sink, but lingered as if he was nauseous.  Something wasn’t right. He seemed too lethargic this morning. He went and laid  down on the chair in our den. I asked if he was ok, and he barely nodded yes. He was almost non-responsive. So I asked if he was hung-over, he nodded no. Then I asked, “what did you take?” He said he took all of my anxiety pills (20-30) and the rest of his girlfriends Zoloft. I said, “what the hell! Were you trying to kill a yourself???” Then he shook his head yes.
I spent my entire day off in the local emergency room. This was his 2nd attempt in less then a year, to commit suicide.  My small town does not have the facilities to deal with this type of thing so they sent him to a specialized hospital 3 hours away. I only get visitation 2 days a week and phone calls on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. 
This is definitely not how I had my day planned out. 
When the doctor asked him why he wanted to hurt himself I mentioned that it’s been a rough year. Then he spoke up and said “if you knew what we’ve been through this past year then you’d understand. “we 
They reassured me that he would see therapists that would help him to deal with the various things we’ve faced this year.
After leaving him to their care I went to my doctor to get my (much needed) anxiety pills refilled. He refused. He didn’t want to be liable.
So here I am. My Bp 180/?? Nothing but liver damaging alcohol to help.
Where’s a therapist for mom?
Everyone talks about “how strong of a woman I am” … I ask, is this what “strong” feels like? I don’t think you would think that if you saw my smeared mascara, and empty tequila bottles.
Life needs to give my family a paid vacation. 

 

Children of Abuse

Children of abuse

One by one they fall like drones

The children of abuse

Can’t you hear their cries

Vitriolic and caustic words

Ingrained into their minds

Silently they sigh

Quietly they go through life

Never telling a soul

Pretending to be shy 

Seeking ways to cope in life

alcohol, cutting and drugs

their memories to nullify

Suicidal thoughts prevail 

Withdrawal and depression

Wishing to stay high

They fade into the crowds
Trying to fit In
Hiding in the light
Hid in closets, out of sight 
Protecting the innocent ones
I can hear their cries
(To be continued) 

         

May 4, 2015

Sometimes life takes us down a road we would not have chosen. Sometimes it full of detours, construction, speed bumps and pot holes. Sometimes there may even be delays.

Although you have to pay attention to the road so you don’t crash you can’t forget where you were headed. Always remember where you plan to go. Perhaps one of those detours will get you there sooner. 

 

April 24, 2015

CONFIDENCE


Suppressing my feelings is nothing new to me. It’s a learned trait. I’ve been doing it for 20 years or more … I hold in my feelings because I don’t want to hurt anyone yet I am breaking and bleeding inside, so instead I hurt myself.

I want to say all that’s on my mind but I fear the outcome. Fear that whatever I’ve been worrying about is really the truth and reality. Maybe I do live in a fantasy world. Maybe I do wish for things that are unattainable.   
Is it too much to ask for stability? Too much to ask for something that my kids can put confidence in?  At this point i feel like I should teach my kids to only put confidence in themselves because everyone else will
disappoint them.   

 

April 23, 2015

SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SINGLE MOM

Too often advice is given that would never be taken.

We often tell people “I would ……. If I were you …..you know what you should do…..”
Realistically speaking we would never actually do those things. 
Since I’ve become a single mother working hard to support my family I receive advice often. But when I stop to really think about what they are saying, and look at their situation, I realize that it is NOT what they would do. 
We, the hard working, single moms of this world, welcome your emotional support. Please do not suggest we do something that you, yourself would not or are not willing to do. You will come across as arrogant. Thank you for your support, when you encourage us and tell us it will get better. We appreciate you dearly.  

   

April 10, 2015

He took her innocence
Shamed her youth
He calls me “mom”
Hurts worse then a broken tooth
He didn’t stop with just one touch
He kept going back
Had her innocence in his clutch
He calls me “mom”
I hear his voice,
see his face
He’s in my dreams
Through my thoughts he does race
He calls me “mom”
I see his sin
I hear her cries
She calls me “mom”
My soul begins to die
They call me “mom”

March 28, 2015

We all do it at one point or another. We build walls to protect ourselves from being hurt.  

When children grow up in an abusive environment they learn to create walls also, for their own protection. 

Such defensive methods may actually ensure surviving emotionally and physically through challenging and threatening times. BUT…Years pass, however, and though we are now safe, these walls and other defensive mechanisms remain, and may sabotage our personal and professional lives. The wall is no longer needed, but it has become habitual. 

Today I am not going to ask or suggest that you break down your walls. Instead I’m going to ask that you take a good look at them. Own them. Admit that they are there. You’ll realize that they are pretty thick and that you can’t see what’s on the other side. 

The walls that were once your protection are now your prison. They are holding you back from moving forward. You have tremendous potential within you.  Look up. Can you see the sun shining? See that blue sky? There’s a whole world on the other side of those walls waiting to meet you.

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