Category: Memoir: Domestic Violence

his section contains memoir writing about life within domestic violence and coercive control. These pieces focus on the gradual erosion of autonomy, safety, and self trust, rather than isolated incidents. The writing explores how abuse embeds itself through fear, manipulation, financial control, spiritual distortion, and cycles of hope and harm.

The emphasis is on lived experience and aftermath: survival, exit, disorientation, and the slow work of reclaiming agency and identity. These narratives do not frame abuse as mutual conflict or personal failure, but as a pattern of power and control.

This space is for readers who have experienced domestic violence, those supporting someone who has, and those seeking to understand how abuse can persist even when it is not always visible.

Content note: references to emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and spiritual abuse may appear. Graphic descriptions are avoided, but emotional intensity may be present.

Insanity 

Insanity 

insanity is doing the same thing yet expecting different results

August 2014
As fate or luck (or what ever you want to call it) would have it, my husband left again. We barely lasted 24 hours. What happened? You wonder. I wonder. Everyone asks. I told him I would not move out of state with him. He got so angry and started yelling at me. Then he threatened to move back to where he was staying. After a long night of talking, arguing, and wasted energy, I gave him the last of my money so he could leave.
At 4:44am, I heard the door latch close. Just like that. He is gone.
Today I will try to mend broken hearts again, because he did not even say goodbye to his children. What a bastard.
I will apologize to my children for letting my guard down and allowing him to come home. I must have been insane.

I caved

I caved

About a month after the separation from my ex, somehow he convinced me to bring him home and “work it out” (for the sake of the kids).

August 2014
I’ve never considered myself a person with an addictive personality. I’ve done my share of drugs, drinking, etc. I’ve always been able to stop when I wanted. Without having withdrawals or extreme needs to go back to it. I’ve always been able to “take it or leave it.”
Things have transpired in the last week to show me that I actually do have an addictive personality. I’m not addicted to substances. I can’t quite put my finger on what to call it. So let me go into a little bit of what has happened.
To make a long story short, my husband is home. Yes, I allowed him back. I know, you don’t have to tell me. I’m insane. I’ve already questioned myself over and over. What was I thinking? Don’t get me wrong, he is being kind and sweet and all that goes along with making up after any fight, but I know in my heart I can’t give him that 100% that is necessary to make a relationship work. But I see the joy in my children’s faces now that their Dad is home. I buckled. I caved in. I think about how clean my house will be again. I think about how I hate being alone. I think I’m addicted to my struggle.

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Reflections

Reflections

July 2014

Nothing like a long drive and time near the water to give you time to think and reflect. I just got our vehicle out of the mechanic shop yesterday, and as I’m driving down the road, it is struggling and skipping. (It must be those hoses the mechanic said needed to be changed soon. My thoughts instantly turn to the last thing my son asked me before I left to pick it up from the mechanic,

“Mom, when are you going to get rid of that and get a new one?”

It stung my tenacity. I don’t give up. I believe ANYTHING can be salvaged. Which is precisely why I stayed married for so long. When you invest so much in something, it is difficult to give it up. We just replaced the engine, and now we are fixing everything on the new engine that we already fixed on the old one.

This drive, combined with soothing waters, has led me to consider buying a new vehicle.

I stopped to smell the rose

I stopped to smell the rose

The past is behind me,

The future is before me;

They are both trying to steal today.

I am one person. Who has been handed everything. It’s time for “everything” to take a number and get in line. It will get done. Maybe not as fast as I or anyone else wants, but it will get done.
I have so many emotions going through me. They are all trying to come out at once. So I am going to attempt to get them out here.
Anger.

I am so angry with myself for hanging on for so long! I’m angry for agreeing to not pursue child-support. I might end up really regretting that later. I’m angry because he upped and left, moving 12 hrs away. The day before our son’s 16th birthday. I’m angry because of all the house repairs I’m left with that he would never fix. And I’m angry because I haven’t won the lottery yet, that sure would come in handy right now.

Overwhelmed.

I am extremely overwhelmed with the load I’ve been handed. The family business, sole provider for our children, taxi service for kids, and so much more, not to mention being a mom. Oh, and Dad, now.

Bitter.

I am bitter & resentful. I have contempt for the father of my children.

Hurt.

I am hurt and empty. So empty. I gave my all. Every ounce of my energy into making the marriage work. For example. I planned an anniversary trip to see his favorite MLB baseball team play a home game. The entire time we were there, it was all about him. I bought the tickets, I paid for the hotel, the gas, everything, souvenirs, etc. I even wrote him a poem, which he shredded in my face on the day after our return home. He gave me nothing for our anniversary. This was 5 days ago. When we got back, he even complained about some very intimate things.

Relieved.

It’s a relief to know he is 12 hours away and I don’t need to worry about him stopping by.
I’m a woman, so I’m entitled to be angry and relieved for the same reason. 🙂

Everyone asks how I am. I will quote you my exact reply,

“I am a mess. I do not regret my decision. But I am exhausted and overwhelmed. But I will be ok, thanks for asking.”

Coming to the end of this day, at a customer’s house, I was reminded to stop and smell this rose. A beautiful budding yellow rose. My favorite color and favorite flower.

I can write whenever 

I can write whenever 

July 2014

When I’m angry, I can write.

When I’m sad, I can write.

I can write when I’m overflowing with happiness.

I can write most of the time,

except when I am numb.

Today, even yesterday, I’m feeling numb. Don’t mistake me as being depressed or so hurt that I can’t go on without him. Oh contrary! I’m numb with exhaustion. I’m finally able to relax and have peace. I am now Head of Household. Everyone is looking to me to have their needs met. I can do this. It will take me a few weeks to adjust, but I will. In the meantime, tiny bursts of inspiration get jotted in my notes to complete on another day.

The Edge

The Edge

July 2014

Today marks the first day of the rest of my life. I have been in an abusive relationship for over 24 years. 4 years ago, I had the courage to call the police and file a restraining order. He changed a lot. But not completely. I made excuses for him over and over, and even today. As history repeats itself, I had to call the police again today so he would leave. This time is different. This time, I am not afraid to venture out on my own. Today, I officially enter the realm of single-mom-hood. Wish me well.

You pushed me to the edge
Of where I was afraid to jump
You pushed me further off the ledge
My fears I was forced to confront

I took the plunge with shaking courage
Not for me but for the kids
For the kids I stayed in marriage
Entangled in insanities bondage

Now I spread my wings to fly
No longer held in prison bars
Anxious to soar towards the sky
Soon to be amongst the stars