July 14, 2014

The walls are closing in on me
So fast, their vacuum force is sucking the breath right from my lungs. I feel trapped. I feel I can’t breath. I feel I can’t move as they get closer and closer. It’s getting stuffy, almost stifling hot. The air is thick and my chest feels heavy. It’s getting dark, my breaths are shallow. It’s getting harder and harder to breathe. I can’t see, there is no light in here. Total darkness. They’re moving closer and closer, I can feel the corners. It’s pressing on me faster and faster with urgent force. My arms and legs can’t keep the walls from getting closer. Trying with all my might, pushing as hard as I can. I am no match for the strength of these walls. Walls are supposed to be for our protection but theses walls are going to be the death of me.

July 13, 2014

I don’t miss him, not really. Then why do I feel these emotions? What are these? Where are they coming from? I don’t want him back. I don’t miss him. Some times I still feel sorry for him.
I want so badly to exceed him. To do and accomplish everything he said I couldn’t. I want him to be lonely and miserable. I don’t want him to succeed. I want him to struggle.
Please forgive my transparency. I don’t want to feel this way. I suppose today as I face the source of my emotions, Its good to be honest.
As my 5yr old comes to check on me, he sees a tear roll down my cheek. He looks at me straight in the eyes, no words spoken. I smile at him real big, he smiles back with a look of relief.
I’m not where I want to be in my emotions and forgiveness of him, but as I keep smiling, I’m letting my family know that I will get there. Just give me time.

July 11, 2014

“He walked away from everything, who was I to think that he wouldn’t walk away from me also.”

Those were my closing thoughts yesterday. Although my days are twice as busy now that I have all the responsibility of caring for my family. My days are more fulfilled. I feel accomplished. After setting a goal to not worry about what he thinks. It freed me to be myself, and to do as I please.
Now that I am busy working for 2 people and being 2 parents, I do not have time to engage in his childish BS. While I am working he is sending back to back texts full of accusations and self-pity. I laugh. He has no job, staying with his brother… He only has time to throw BS my way.
At the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I’ve accomplished many things. Not everything, but plenty. And oh! I forgot to reply to his text, go figure.

July 8, 2014

Today I will lie

Today I will lie, in the face of our customers. To protect him once again. Or is it me that I protect? I do not feel like explaining the situation. We looked REALLY good on the outside. No one would believe me. They adore him. So today, I will lie.

I can’t change that

July 7, 2014

Back to a busy work week. This week I will work on bringing structure back to our lives. After I’ve been able to do that, to where I am comfortable with the way things are flowing; THEN I will be able to work on me. Kids are so resilient. I’m not saying they are not affected. I am saying, they bounce back well. The younger ones, that is. My 13yr old daughter is struggling. She witnessed the entire happenings. Yet that is her Daddy, and like any normal child, she didn’t want her Daddy to go so far away. I keep waiting for my 5yr old to ask when Daddy will be coming home, but he hasn’t, not yet.
I took a few days to think and clear my head as best as I could before I responded to my oldest daughters vicious letter. Today I will send her my response. I do not know what the outcome will be, but that is one thing I am choosing to not focus on. She is an adult and makes her own choices. I can not change that. Wow. I should carry this thought over into my failed marriage. “He is an adult, and makes his own choices and I can not change that.” Wow. I felt a little pressure lift just then. Thank you WP blogging! For a place where I can get this out, and see it laid out in front of me.
Happy Monday!

Sunday draught

July 6, 2014

No tears this bright Sunday morning. The drought has come, the rain is gone, my soul has been left dry and barren. I am numb.
I like this feeling better then the emotional feelings where everything comes out in tears. I feel more in control. Could it be because I am suppressing my feelings? Possibly. Today I feel like I can at least work on my house. Getting it back in order as I prepare for a busy work week.
I know it will take time to flush out my system from everything that 24 yrs has ingrained in me. So, suppressed I may be today, tomorrow is a new day. I will work on my house today, instead of me.

We keep ourselves so tied up in regretting the past and fearing the future that we don’t have any energy left to figure out who we are and what we want

Happy Sunday ya’ll!
Peace, love and Mist

Fueled my fire

2014

Another day, a lot more tears. I am laying in a pit of self-pity looking up through the opening at the beautiful blue sky. It feels like there are vines tangled around my heart holding me down.
My oldest daughter sent me the most vicious, hateful letter last night. She said things just like the pro she learned from, her father. Words too vile to print on this screen. Emotions I hope NO mother ever hears from a child. I literally have chest pains. If I wasn’t under so much stress and heartache right now, I would run myself to the ER.
I see a passing cloud, as tears pour out my eyes. I can’t move. No, I can, but I don’t want to.
He has already purchased a new truck for himself, while I drive the shit he left me with that needs a new radiator.

Ariana Grande has a song, “Problem”. My other daughter brings her radio and iPod into my room and plays me the song. “I’ve got one less problem without ya”. Our motto.

I feel heat. It’s in my soul, a fire, burning. I can feel it burning at these vines that are holding me down. The vines are helpless they are so fragile compared to the fire that’s growing. From the glow of the fire I can see more vines going all the way to the top. I will arise. I will climb out and conquer this day.

My son sent me this text: “We can do this. We will do this. It’s gonna be better than it ever has been. It’ll be hard but it’ll be worth it. Don’t get down. That’s what the purpose was behind all of this. To make us get down and depressed. Don’t let them have that power over you. Rise above so that one day they will look up from whatever out they find themselves in and realize their mistake.”

It’s a bonfire now!!!

Just a Rant

I have often considered getting a “normal” job, an 8-5 5 days a week job, but I know I could not make the same amount of money! Some days I work 14 hours other days I work 3. And sometimes I’m actually “off”. Yes, it’s hard work. Yes, I’m still tired. But it’s worth it in the end.

Television and media make Entrepreneurs look glamorous. They do not show the dirt, the grime, the sweat and the work it took to get to their end result. Although my self-employed job is not my first choice, it was a devoted choice that has taken a lot of perseverance and hard work. We started with literally $.00 in our pockets… We started from scratch and kept On scratching. We’ve not attained the “end desire” but we are close. Days like today are a challenge to my thoughts. I want to flip off the big-wigs while I work 10 hours doing all the work.
Is it worth it? Oh yes! VERY worth it!! My schedule normally consists of working Tuesday through Thursday for approximately 5-6 hours. Although for the past 2 weeks we have been working Monday- Friday 6-10 hours. This is also a good thing, it means we are growing and going to a new (more $) stage. It will “even out” and I will be back to my “normal” hours. But until
Then, I wanted to rant about the hard work.
Sincerely,
One tired, whiney titty baby

Yoli's Write To Sanity

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Category: Entrepreneur