Category: Child abuse

A living hell

“Youre making my life a living hell!” He said as he turned to walk up the stairs.Two weeks ago I petitioned for a court ordered family intervention, in an attempt for him to get clean and go back to therapy. He now has to succumb to random drug testing and pass before he can get his drivers license.

Yesterday I sold his brothers Camry that has sat in our driveway for 2 years. TWO YEARS! Flat tires, dead battery, and in desperate need of brake work. So he was angry for that also. Mad that it wasn’t given to him. He said a few other things then told me I was obligated to buy him alcohol and if I didnt he would drink mine.
“I make YOUR life a living hell??” “You call THIS hell? I provide you with food, a nice bed and bedroom to sleep in, I take you wherever you want to go whenever you want to go there. You call this hell?”
I tell you what a “living hell” is! Living hell is having a son who is a child molestor. Living hell is being subpoenaed to watch his trial and sentencing. Living hell is wondering what will be the next thing to set you, YOU, child of complaints, off. Will you try to kill yourself again to escape “your living hell”? Living hell is wondering if you will have the initiative to graduate from high school. Do you want me to continue? I can. I have other complaints, other hells. Living hell is remembering the day my ex husband held my 22yr old son up against the wall by the throat and screamed in His face, “I hate you!! NEVER call me dad again!!” because he wasn’t his biological father even though he raised him from 6mths old. Living hell is my life every time I have a memory…. It’s like reliving it all over again. 

So, son, go ahead and explain to me HOW your life is a living hell. 

  

I have decided…

I have decided that I will just go ahead and have cry-baby break down.. In the court room. I know when I see my son I’m going to want to cry and weep and wail and even scream but instead I’ll just let the depression and the sadness and the months of darkness take over. I’ll let them have their way… I will let the tears flow. I will cry and not hold back. So this is my official, mental note to myself,  to buy some fucking Kleenex … because I am going to need it.

  

My Rights

I have the right to remain sane. Anything I say or do, can and probably will be used against me at any given time. I have the right to my own opinion. If you do not like or accept my opinion another one will be presented to you. Do you understand these writes as they’ve been given to you?

I am “the Write to sanity”. Pleased to meet you.

  

QOTD

There are people who want to make men’s lives more difficult for no other reason than the chance it provides them afterwards to offer their prescription for alleviating life; their Christianity, for instance.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Why are YOU in pain?

A friend asked me today, “what is hurting YOU? Why are YOU in pain?” She is a widow. His death was sudden and she was left with 3 young boys. 

Pain is a common thing shared by many people.

I have learned that though the circumstance causing the pain may be different for each person…. The feeling and the depth of the pain is pretty much the same. 

I walk into this house and look around and think, “these people can not see the light, because light always surrounds them”… Then I have to fight back the jealousy and resentment. And I remember that for those of us who live, linger and remain in darkness …. the light always shines brightest.

I answered her question with my list of reasons which are completely unrelated to her reasons…. Yet. We share something in common… Pain and single-mom hood 

As The Day Approaches 

The time is soon approaching.
The court Martial and sentencing of my son.
I remember our last conversation…
He called me to tell me he had been arrested, but didn’t understand why.
I told him that his sister told me everything.

That was 6 months ago. He has not called me again since he found out that I know the truth.

I have been an emotional wreck. I’m having to be strong for my daughter, yet this is my son… My other older children ask me if I’ll ever contact him…
This is my response: “he is my son. I will always love him, but his crimes have forever changed our relationship.”
As the day approaches I envision seeing him in that court room…with his head hung low…no eye contact made…
I have no idea if I’ll be able to stay strong. No idea if I’ll start sobbing as if it were a death – Gawd knows that’s what this feels like – no idea his reaction or my reaction.
I just want it to be behind me.
But
As the day draws closer… I want to write him a letter… Just to remind him that I still love him.

  

Backside of the storm

Have you ever noticed how beautiful the BACK side of a storm is? The clouds are completely breath taking.

I’ve lived over 20 years in the region of the U.S. Considered “tornado alley”, and it’s always amazed me when I see the back side of a storm system. 

The more beautiful the clouds, the more severe the storm. 

There is a common phrase, “you are either entering a storm, in a storm or leaving a storm” (storms of life).

Not long after my divorce  I entered into one of the worst storms I have ever faced. It’s the kind that tears families apart. Destroys people and their emotional system …and more. We are still in the middle of this storm. Each day presents a different challenge, but at least I have the hope that  on the back side of THIS storm, it’s going to be BEAUTIFUL! 

  

July 7, 2015

I imagine him sitting there looking out the window at the top of the cell the only blue sky he can see in that window. Concrete walls surround him. I imagine him realizing how he fucked up his life. I imagine him thinking of me, missing his mom. He has lost his family, his friends and his freedom. He is my son and I will always love him but his sin has forever changed our relationship.

  

I have…

Have you ever asked God “why?”
Have you ever questioned His existence?
Have you ever screamed out in agony wondering why YOU even exist?
Have you ever wondered how a “loving God” could allow such pain and suffering?
Have you ever sat in a puddle of your own tears and felt you couldn’t go on?
Have you ever felt the hatred burning in your bones?
Have you ever tried to wake up hoping it was just a nightmare?
Have you ever sought answers but found none?
Have you ever wondered “why me”?
Have you ever put on a fake smile just so you didn’t have to talk about it?
Have you ever wanted to just start all over?
Have you ever wanted to give up? Everyday?
Have you ever wondered why you couldn’t get in on the good side of life?
Have you ever felt cursed?
Have you ever felt sad and regretted so much of your life?

I have.
  

May 15, 2015

I’M TIRED

Accustomed to doing things by myself and for myself. My ex husband wasn’t much of an emotional support. He did help around the house. And he would occasionally offer an arm for a hug. He was a human. Most humans do that. But…

I’ve had to be so strong for so many years, through all the abuse. 
But now I am tired. I am weary. I am lonely. 
I can understand why women jump back into other unhealthy relationships. 
Being 100% responsible for the financial and emotional support of a large family is hard! I wish I had a body to come home to at the end of the day to hold me, not just a voice. I wish I had someone to share the responsibility with me, not just financially but also the upkeep of the house, car maintenance and all those things women just aren’t so good at doing.  Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for what I DO have, but I’m tired. I’m tired of having to be the strong one. It would be nice if someone else could sub in for me for a day or two. Or better yet, help me with it everyday. 
Today just isn’t that day, so, I wipe away the tears… Go wake up the kids for school… Present myself strong for another day… Until I’m am by myself again.

  
But I’ll be ok in the end