Month: August 2015

Being vulnerable 

originally written from a Word Prompt…. A few months before my separation in 2014

I penned my heart and soul to you. 

 You grind your teeth and sneer. 

I wrote of love, devotion and friendship. 

You rolled your eyes as you crumpled my paper. 

I poured out my deepest feelings. 

You trampled them to ashes. 

It was 13 years ago yet I remember each detail vividly. 

I stopped writing because of you. 

I recently started writing again, because of you. 

Because of all the pain you caused my bleeding heart. 

Finally I could release my anger, pain, bitterness, fear and resentment. 

I faced them. 

 I faced you. 

You no longer scare me. 

But to share my writings with you leaves me open and vulnerable. 

Why? 

Do I value your opinion that much? 

I guess I do. 

 I want to trust you with my heart. 

 I want to open up. 

But I don’t want to feel so vulnerable or fall prey to your criticism. 

All I seek is your approval and value. 

I need to continue to remember that I am valued and approved by the One higher then you. 

Am I willing to risk being vulnerable to you? 

I want to,
I want to take that risk. 

I am scared. 

I am extremely protective of my heart. 

Maybe with little baby steps I can take the risk and allow myself to be vulnerable. 

 

Vulnerability – Don Charisma’s Prompt http://doncharisma.org/2014/05/07/vulnerability-don-charisma-s-prompt/

To the Trees

To the trees I will sing
To the trees I will scream
You will not see you affecting me

I will sing of love that’s lost
I will scream of what you cost
You will not hear me sing of love to thee

To the trees I will sing
To the trees I will scream
You will not see you affecting me

You will not see you affecting me

I will sing of darkness lit
I will scream of how hard this hit
You will not hear me screaming for you

To the trees I will sing
To the trees I will scream
You will not see you affecting me

You will not see you affecting me
You will not see you afflicting me

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The Conjuring 

This is what it feels like or looks like living with an abuser

The conjuring

All around you they fly
The Demons of your head
To Torment and divide you
Telling you what to think
If you listen you will sink
Turn them down
They’re screaming your name
On your fear they feast
The Demons of your head

I can call them by name
Counting them one at a time
They came to greet me
The demons of your head

They’re flying at me
To torment and divide me
Telling me what to think
If I listen I will sink
Trying to turn them down
As they scream my name
Feasting on my fear
The demons of your head

Your demons are in my head
Flying all around
Tormenting and telling me
What to think
They’re screaming my name
I think I might sink
Your demons are screaming my name

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The past

2014

The past does not define me
But it brought me to this place
Scaring the shit out of me
Making my heart race

The past does not define me
But made me who I am
A broken winged birdie
Flightless, God damn.

The past does not define me
It shows me where I’m at
In prison bars entrapped
A raving insomniac

The past does not define me
But it sure created my life
This life I’ve invested
Paying a great price

The past does not define me
But it sure created my life

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You’re going to make it

Your gonna make it thru

You may not truely understand
Why you’ve faced such sorrows
Those times have felt like quicksand
Like there’s no tomorrow

Every time you faced a tragedy
You found it hard to grow
When surrounded by depravity
You said its time to go

You have more going for you
More than you really know
Your a person of great value
A friend not a foe

You’re going to make it thru this
It’s going to be ok
An end to this sorrow
An end to your dismay

You’re going to make it through this
It’s going to be ok

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Learning to accept 

its been over a year since “dad” had any contact with his children… I accept it… BUT the problems he left me with, pisses me off!

Admitting there is a problem is half the cure. Isn’t that what they tell us?
I can finally admit that my exhusband abandoned our children. Our precious 5yr old said he misses “Daddy” and asked why he left us. I didn’t have an answer for him. The next step is being able to accept that he abandoned everyone. It’s been a very emotional week for us. The children especially are beginning to show their pain and anger in different ways . Suicidal, rage, screaming, depression, … Just a few.
It been almost 10 weeks since he left. 10 weeks since he spoke to any of the children. 10 weeks. I haven’t accepted it completely yet, but I’m working on it, and as the weeks pass by it gets easier because it is more obvious day by day.

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Wtf

labor day weekend 2014

What the fuckity fuck?
Tonight my 16yr old son came close to committing suicide. My oldest son found him curled up in a ball crying with a loaded gun next to him. He dismantled the gun, put him in the truck and went for a very long drive.
They talked for a long time and in the process my oldest said, “let’s call Dad so he can talk to you”. So, they called Dad, and Dad refused to talk to him.
Wow. What father will not talk to his child who is on the verge of suicide??
All I can say is, “what the fuckity fuck??”
Well, his true self is surfacing for all to see.

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Something to write about 

Omg I’m so glad he found another woman and no longer harasses me!

After a full week of harassing texts of accusations and cursing’s sent to me by my ex-husband I am confident and secure in my decision to pursue a divorce. I was confident before, but this week was confirmation that I’m doing the right thing. In the midst of all these accusing texts he would also apologize and beg me to give him another chance. I tell him “no” each time. After one of his apologies I told him, “it’s ok. You give me something to write about”. As I stare at the Blurb icon on my computer screen.

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