Seize the day

July 2014

How ironic that I am currently lingering in the same place… Must be a habit😜

Lingering In bed with so much to do
Haven’t enough energy to get out of bed
Laying here working on my thoughts to subdue

I cling to my pillow and write a poem instead
Push that thought over there and this one over here
Keeping the ones I don’t want to forget

Lazily I turn to this day as I peer
Into its list of activities it bids me to attempt
I calculate the time and some will wait I fear

I reluctantly release pillow to begin my assent
Nothing gets accomplished while lingering amongst sheets
Although their comforting warmth sure do tempt

I arise to face the day and it’s activities defeat
Until this evening,my pillow, once again to it I’ll retreat

My son

July 8, 2014

He runs his fingers through my hair
Hugs me often, remind me he’s there
Showers me frequently with “I love you Mommy”
Always puts a smile on my face when I feel crummy.

My 5yr old

I can’t change that

July 7, 2014

Back to a busy work week. This week I will work on bringing structure back to our lives. After I’ve been able to do that, to where I am comfortable with the way things are flowing; THEN I will be able to work on me. Kids are so resilient. I’m not saying they are not affected. I am saying, they bounce back well. The younger ones, that is. My 13yr old daughter is struggling. She witnessed the entire happenings. Yet that is her Daddy, and like any normal child, she didn’t want her Daddy to go so far away. I keep waiting for my 5yr old to ask when Daddy will be coming home, but he hasn’t, not yet.
I took a few days to think and clear my head as best as I could before I responded to my oldest daughters vicious letter. Today I will send her my response. I do not know what the outcome will be, but that is one thing I am choosing to not focus on. She is an adult and makes her own choices. I can not change that. Wow. I should carry this thought over into my failed marriage. “He is an adult, and makes his own choices and I can not change that.” Wow. I felt a little pressure lift just then. Thank you WP blogging! For a place where I can get this out, and see it laid out in front of me.
Happy Monday!

Sunday draught

July 6, 2014

No tears this bright Sunday morning. The drought has come, the rain is gone, my soul has been left dry and barren. I am numb.
I like this feeling better then the emotional feelings where everything comes out in tears. I feel more in control. Could it be because I am suppressing my feelings? Possibly. Today I feel like I can at least work on my house. Getting it back in order as I prepare for a busy work week.
I know it will take time to flush out my system from everything that 24 yrs has ingrained in me. So, suppressed I may be today, tomorrow is a new day. I will work on my house today, instead of me.

We keep ourselves so tied up in regretting the past and fearing the future that we don’t have any energy left to figure out who we are and what we want

Happy Sunday ya’ll!
Peace, love and Mist

Not today

july 5, 2014

I woke up still fully clothed. Last nights whiskey bottle helped me to forget my circumstances for an evening. Of course life was still the same when I woke up. Thoughts flood my mind. I am so anxious and intent on getting past this! I am ready to move forward in my emotions. I feel like there are some things that I need to let go of. Places my thoughts continually go.
I want so bad to give him a list of everything he has done that has hurt me so. But I wouldn’t be content for him to just read that list, I would want him to embrace the list, admit that it is true and then sincerely apologize for it all. I want to see him be regretful. I want him to confess that he f**ked up. I can’t make him. I can’t control that. So therefore, I need to let it go. Let go of my need for restitution.
Not today though, while he sits at his brothers house eating smoked ribs, etc. I lay in bed this morning wondering what I am going to feed my children. I guess it’ll be Ramen noodles again today.
I really do want to move on. I will. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. I will, but not today.

They say

The emotional verbal abuse is worse than the physical. The bruises go away, the bones and scratches heal. But the words spoken and emotional abuse inflicted will remain. It is a daily battle.

Fueled my fire

2014

Another day, a lot more tears. I am laying in a pit of self-pity looking up through the opening at the beautiful blue sky. It feels like there are vines tangled around my heart holding me down.
My oldest daughter sent me the most vicious, hateful letter last night. She said things just like the pro she learned from, her father. Words too vile to print on this screen. Emotions I hope NO mother ever hears from a child. I literally have chest pains. If I wasn’t under so much stress and heartache right now, I would run myself to the ER.
I see a passing cloud, as tears pour out my eyes. I can’t move. No, I can, but I don’t want to.
He has already purchased a new truck for himself, while I drive the shit he left me with that needs a new radiator.

Ariana Grande has a song, “Problem”. My other daughter brings her radio and iPod into my room and plays me the song. “I’ve got one less problem without ya”. Our motto.

I feel heat. It’s in my soul, a fire, burning. I can feel it burning at these vines that are holding me down. The vines are helpless they are so fragile compared to the fire that’s growing. From the glow of the fire I can see more vines going all the way to the top. I will arise. I will climb out and conquer this day.

My son sent me this text: “We can do this. We will do this. It’s gonna be better than it ever has been. It’ll be hard but it’ll be worth it. Don’t get down. That’s what the purpose was behind all of this. To make us get down and depressed. Don’t let them have that power over you. Rise above so that one day they will look up from whatever out they find themselves in and realize their mistake.”

It’s a bonfire now!!!

Just a Rant

I have often considered getting a “normal” job, an 8-5 5 days a week job, but I know I could not make the same amount of money! Some days I work 14 hours other days I work 3. And sometimes I’m actually “off”. Yes, it’s hard work. Yes, I’m still tired. But it’s worth it in the end.

Television and media make Entrepreneurs look glamorous. They do not show the dirt, the grime, the sweat and the work it took to get to their end result. Although my self-employed job is not my first choice, it was a devoted choice that has taken a lot of perseverance and hard work. We started with literally $.00 in our pockets… We started from scratch and kept On scratching. We’ve not attained the “end desire” but we are close. Days like today are a challenge to my thoughts. I want to flip off the big-wigs while I work 10 hours doing all the work.
Is it worth it? Oh yes! VERY worth it!! My schedule normally consists of working Tuesday through Thursday for approximately 5-6 hours. Although for the past 2 weeks we have been working Monday- Friday 6-10 hours. This is also a good thing, it means we are growing and going to a new (more $) stage. It will “even out” and I will be back to my “normal” hours. But until
Then, I wanted to rant about the hard work.
Sincerely,
One tired, whiney titty baby

Light in the Tunnel

When your walking through life… And you feel so alone… You’ve been crawling around searching for hope … searching for light at the end of the tunnel. Its so dark inside you can feel it around you squeezing the life out of you. You can feel the life’s fingers pulling you down… It’s gripping and pulling … you feel like you can’t go on.
But what you don’t understand is that when you cant see the light it’s because the light in that tunnel is you.
Turn around look behind you see all the people they are following so closely they keep searching for light and the light that they see is you at the end of their tunnel.. So
Stand up! Pick yourself up! Get off of your knees you cant be the light if your crawling around

(Had this sitting in drafts for months… Time to let it out)

Stabbing Words

verbal abuse is more harmful than physical abuse

Your words are like stab wounds
Penetrating deeply
As warm blood gently spills
Out into ink
A stab to the arm
No longer able to hold you
Or my babies
A stab to the neck
Where your kisses used to fall
A stab to the leg
So I can no longer run
Run away from you
A stab to my stomach
Where I had this gut feeling
That all of the past would
Eventually come back to haunt
A stab to the chest
I can no longer breathe
A stab to the heart
No more love to be felt
Multiple stab wounds from
Multiple words have left me
Writhing in pain and despair
Breathless and speechless
And no longer a care

Yoli's Write To Sanity

Just Breathe And Write

Month: August 2015