May 8, 2014

WHAT A DAY

I had my day planned, scheduled to be off for the first time in what seemed like forever! I was going to get SO much done!

Morning routines were moving along as usual, a bickering sibling to the other. Perfectly normal stuff.

My son spit his toothpaste into the kitchen sink, but lingered as if he was nauseous. Something wasn’t right. He seemed too lethargic this morning. He went and laid down on the chair in our den. I asked if he was ok, and he barely nodded yes. He was almost non-responsive. So I asked if he was hung-over, he nodded no. Then I asked, “what did you take?” He said he took all of my anxiety pills (20-30) and the rest of his girlfriends Zoloft. I said, “what the hell! Were you trying to kill a yourself???” Then he shook his head yes.

I spent my entire day off in the local emergency room. This was his 2nd attempt in less then a year, to commit suicide. My small town does not have the facilities to deal with this type of thing so they sent him to a specialized hospital 3 hours away. I only get visitation 2 days a week and phone calls on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

This is definitely not how I had my day planned out.

When the doctor asked him why he wanted to hurt himself I mentioned that it’s been a rough year. Then he spoke up and said “if you knew what we’ve been through this past year then you’d understand. “we

They reassured me that he would see therapists that would help him to deal with the various things we’ve faced this year.

After leaving him to their care I went to my doctor to get my (much needed) anxiety pills refilled. He refused. He didn’t want to be liable.

So here I am. My Bp 180/?? Nothing but liver damaging alcohol to help.

Where’s a therapist for mom?

Everyone talks about “how strong of a woman I am” … I ask, is this what “strong” feels like? I don’t think you would think that if you saw my smeared mascara, and empty tequila bottles.

Life needs to give my family a paid vacation.

April 24, 2015

CONFIDENCE

Suppressing my feelings is nothing new to me. It’s a learned trait. I’ve been doing it for 20 years or more … I hold in my feelings because I don’t want to hurt anyone, yet I am breaking and bleeding inside, hurting myself instead.

I want to say all that’s on my mind, but I fear the outcome. Fear that whatever I’ve been worrying about is really the truth and reality. Maybe I do live in a fantasy world. Maybe I do wish for things that are unattainable.

Is it too much to ask for stability? Too much to ask for something that my kids can put confidence in? At this point i feel like I should teach my kids to only put confidence in themselves because everyone else will

disappoint them.

April 23, 2015

SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SINGLE MOM

Too often advice is given that would never be taken.

We often tell people “I would ……. If I were you …..you know what you should do…..”

Realistically speaking we would never actually do those things.

Since I’ve become a single mother working hard to support my family I receive advice often. But when I stop to really think about what they are saying, and look at their situation, I realize that it is NOT what they would do.

We, the hard working, single moms of this world, welcome your emotional support. Please do not suggest we do something that you, yourself would not or are not willing to do. You will come across as arrogant. Thank you for your support, when you encourage us and tell us it will get better. We appreciate you dearly.

March 12, 2015

I thought I had accepted my ex husbands lack of communication with my children. But it does something to a mothers heart when her children come to her crying because Dad won’t answer or return calls nor respond to texts.

Earlier this week we had an emergency involving one of the children and I felt that it would only be the right thing to let “Dad” know what was going on. I called and left him a pleasant message, then texted him asking him to call when he had a chance because there is a child related. Emergency. He sent me a text that stated, “I’m not calling.” At this point I’m still calm and understanding because he and I can not be near each other without a fight ensuing. I reminded him that if I was actually willing to speak with him on the phone then it must be pretty serious. His response was, “text it or handle it”. So I went ahead and texted to horrible news to him. He said, “I care nothing of what you need to do, handle it” I said, “ok, I’ll pass this on to _____” (the child in this emergency)

His dickhead response was “whatever”.

I know I need to move forward and move on with my life… And I will, but it’s the stress of dealing with the broken hearts of my children that’s wearing me down. That poor child may never trust a man again. And i don’t blame her. Will I be able to trust again?

March 10, 2015

I thought that leaving an abusive marriage after 24 years was hard. Even more difficult was when their father refused to reply to the children’s texts. But last week threw me a curve ball. The hardest thing I have yet to face. The words I heard coming out of my daughters lips. Never did I ever imagine it could or would happen to my family. I knew what I had to do. I knew what the right thing was, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Just because it’s right, Doesn’t make it easy. I had to make the call. I had to tell them what I knew and what I’ve been told.

Here I am, newly single mom, sole-provider… Financially, emotionally and any other “ly” necessary. Here I am trying to be strong, yet so broken. I don’t remember the last night I remained sober. Some things you just don’t want to think about or remember. I have to be strong for my daughter, but yet I know in my heart this means I have lost a son. The pain of knowing the truth isn’t as hard as the pain of the precious memories I have.

I thought about Going to get on antidepressants… But I’m already numb, I already sleep well from mental and physical exhaustion… I don’t need anything that’ll suppress the sex drive… That’s my only release! Oh … To be able to start life over, wouldn’t that be grand?

Death and life

March 2014… After hearing my daughter confess to being sexually molested….

Death and life are both cruel companions death steals our loved ones and the very things we want to keep near us. While life gives us things we do not want, forces things in our face we wish not to see.

I wish it was the other way around I wish death would take the abusers. I wish death would take the murders. I was death would take those that cause pain to people. I wish life would give us a little bit more time with the ones we love. Life is not fair. Neither is death.

Detours

(JANUARY 8, 2015)
There will often be detours in life. Our problem is that we grumble the entire time about having to take the detour because it wasn’t in our plans, it wasn’t the way we wanted, not the route we intended to take. If we could quiet ourselves for just a moment and open our eyes then we might see that this detour is the scenic route. Look around. It’s a much lovelier view.
Remember detours do not take you away from your destination, they are only an alternate way of getting there.

January 3, 2015

Since divorce I am learning to become self-reliant in so many areas. Vehicle problems, basement flooding, child behavioral issues, financial struggles and more. Once upon a time these things were shared with a person who made them appear bigger and more problematic then they genuinely were. Money can be made, cars can be fixed, kids turn out ok in the end, and after hours of pumping water the basement will dry.
Being self-reliant is way better then relying on an unreliable person!

October 14, 2014

Ironically I’m having one of these days!

“I don’t see how you do it.” I hear often. My reply is always an honest answer, “sometimes I don’t”.

Still going through a divorce, I run my own business, I have 6 dependents still at home. So, no. Sometimes I don’t get it all done. Today is “sometimes.”

Today I feel the weight, but feelings are my friend. They tell me that I have something going on that needs To be addressed. Once I identify the source then I can work on the problem. Usually the problem is my thinking. Or rather my focus. I have to listen to the advice that I tell every one else, “it’s going to work out. It always does and always will”.

How do I do it? One day at a time.

September 28, 2014

RIGHT SIDE UP
Normally when you go through a divorce or separation even from an abusive one, it is said that “your world is turned upside down”.
Everything in life is a matter of perspective, how you perceive things. The way you perceive things will affect the way you feel. The way you feel will affect your whole entire attitude.
Since my ex left on July 1st I am so much happier. I am free to be myself. I am free to live by MY convictions instead of living to please someone else. I feel more accomplished. Did I mention that I am happier? I’m no longer walking on egg-shells. I no longer have to worry about someone getting angry with me for no reason. I no longer live in fear from day to day.

No, my world was not “turned upside down” it was turned RIGHT SIDE UP and I am better for it. Oh, and I’m SO much happier.

Yoli's Write To Sanity

Just Breathe And Write

Category: Single-mom