Category: Divorce

How am I Supposed To Feel??

How am I supposed to feel when my ex husband doesn’t care enough to answer texts and phone calls from his children?
How am I supposed to feel when my daughter has been molested?
How am I supposed to feel when my son is in prison?
 How am I supposed to feel when my son molests my daughter and I turn him in?
How am I supposed to feel when no one can believe it’s true?
How am I supposed to feel?

Because I can’t feel anything right now. I am numb.

  

May 15, 2015

May 15, 2015

I’M TIRED

Accustomed to doing things by myself and for myself. My ex husband wasn’t much of an emotional support. He did help around the house. And he would occasionally offer an arm for a hug. He was a human. Most humans do that. But…

I’ve had to be so strong for so many years, through all the abuse. 
But now I am tired. I am weary. I am lonely. 
I can understand why women jump back into other unhealthy relationships. 
Being 100% responsible for the financial and emotional support of a large family is hard! I wish I had a body to come home to at the end of the day to hold me, not just a voice. I wish I had someone to share the responsibility with me, not just financially but also the upkeep of the house, car maintenance and all those things women just aren’t so good at doing.  Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for what I DO have, but I’m tired. I’m tired of having to be the strong one. It would be nice if someone else could sub in for me for a day or two. Or better yet, help me with it everyday. 
Today just isn’t that day, so, I wipe away the tears… Go wake up the kids for school… Present myself strong for another day… Until I’m am by myself again.

  
But I’ll be ok in the end

Mother’s Day 2015

A friend of mine posted on facebook how she believes it should be “Thankful Mothers Day” instead of “Happy”. Not everyone is happy this day. So many are grieving the loss of their mothers. Some have never met their mothers. Some moms are strung out on drugs. Some moms have lost custody of their children. There are so many variables that would or could make this an UNhappy Mother’s Day. Me? Oh, I’m spending my Mothers day visiting my suicidal son at the treatment center. Happy? No. Thankful? Yes. Thankful for life, thankful he is still alive. Thankful for all my other children who are doing their best to stay strong in the midst of a shitty year.

So, I bid you a THANKFUL Mother’s Day.
Peace (in the midst of all our storms)
Love (in spite of the hatred we feel towards our offenders)
and
Mist (yeah, that’s me… Just a vapor in this thing called “life”) 

 

May 10, 2015

I have found myself saying, “the hardest thing I’ve had to do”, over and over again. But here goes another time: the hardest thing I’ve had to do is let go of trying to keep my son alive.

He has attempted suicide twice, talked about it numerous times. 
His 13yr old sister looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “Mom, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.”
She is so right.
He is in a “treatment center” and they’re putting him in antidepressants… I told them he would just try to take the whole damn bottle. They told me that since he is a minor I am responsible to administer them to him. 
Oh great! Now I have to buy a safe? A lock? Wtf? Where am I supposed to hide these? The last bottle of pills he took … He took them right out of my purse! 
He is almost 17, I’ve not treated him as a child, but now they want me to administer medicine to him as if he’s a baby.  
I told the therapist who is supposed to be “helping” him, “I do not want to just treat his symptoms. Suicide and Major Depressive Disorder are only symptoms of something else going on inside of him. Can we please try to deal with the cause?” 
Oh… ((Insert big sigh here))… This is another one of those “hardest things I’ve had to do” this past year.  

 

May 8, 2014

WHAT A DAY


I had my day planned, scheduled to be off for the first time in what seemed like forever! I was going to get SO much done!

Morning routines were moving along as usual, a bickering sibling to the other. Perfectly normal stuff. 
My son spit his toothpaste into the kitchen sink, but lingered as if he was nauseous.  Something wasn’t right. He seemed too lethargic this morning. He went and laid  down on the chair in our den. I asked if he was ok, and he barely nodded yes. He was almost non-responsive. So I asked if he was hung-over, he nodded no. Then I asked, “what did you take?” He said he took all of my anxiety pills (20-30) and the rest of his girlfriends Zoloft. I said, “what the hell! Were you trying to kill a yourself???” Then he shook his head yes.
I spent my entire day off in the local emergency room. This was his 2nd attempt in less then a year, to commit suicide.  My small town does not have the facilities to deal with this type of thing so they sent him to a specialized hospital 3 hours away. I only get visitation 2 days a week and phone calls on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. 
This is definitely not how I had my day planned out. 
When the doctor asked him why he wanted to hurt himself I mentioned that it’s been a rough year. Then he spoke up and said “if you knew what we’ve been through this past year then you’d understand. “we 
They reassured me that he would see therapists that would help him to deal with the various things we’ve faced this year.
After leaving him to their care I went to my doctor to get my (much needed) anxiety pills refilled. He refused. He didn’t want to be liable.
So here I am. My Bp 180/?? Nothing but liver damaging alcohol to help.
Where’s a therapist for mom?
Everyone talks about “how strong of a woman I am” … I ask, is this what “strong” feels like? I don’t think you would think that if you saw my smeared mascara, and empty tequila bottles.
Life needs to give my family a paid vacation. 

 

April 24, 2015

CONFIDENCE

 

Suppressing my feelings is nothing new to me. It’s a learned trait. I’ve been doing it for 20 years or more … I hold in my feelings because I don’t want to hurt anyone, yet I am breaking and bleeding inside, hurting myself instead.

I want to say all that’s on my mind, but I fear the outcome. Fear that whatever I’ve been worrying about is really the truth and reality. Maybe I do live in a fantasy world. Maybe I do wish for things that are unattainable.
Is it too much to ask for stability? Too much to ask for something that my kids can put confidence in?  At this point i feel like I should teach my kids to only put confidence in themselves because everyone else will
disappoint them.   

April 23, 2015

SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SINGLE MOM

Too often advice is given that would never be taken.

We often tell people “I would ……. If I were you …..you know what you should do…..”
Realistically speaking we would never actually do those things. 
Since I’ve become a single mother working hard to support my family I receive advice often. But when I stop to really think about what they are saying, and look at their situation, I realize that it is NOT what they would do. 
We, the hard working, single moms of this world, welcome your emotional support. Please do not suggest we do something that you, yourself would not or are not willing to do. You will come across as arrogant. Thank you for your support, when you encourage us and tell us it will get better. We appreciate you dearly.  

   

March 12, 2015

I thought I had accepted my ex husbands lack of communication with my children.  But it does something to a mothers heart when her children come to her crying because Dad won’t answer or return calls nor respond to texts.

Earlier this week we had an emergency involving one of the children and I felt that it would only be the right thing to let “Dad” know what was going on. I called and left him a pleasant message, then texted him asking him to call when he had a chance because there is a child related. Emergency.  He sent me a text that stated, “I’m not calling.”  At this point I’m still calm and understanding because he and I can not be near each other without a fight ensuing. I reminded him that if I was actually willing to speak with him on the phone then it must be pretty serious. His response was, “text it or handle it”.  So I went ahead and texted to horrible news to him.  He said, “I care nothing of what you need to do, handle it” I said, “ok, I’ll pass this on to _____” (the child in this emergency)
His dickhead response was  “whatever”.
I know I need to move forward and move on with my life… And I will, but it’s the stress of dealing with the broken hearts of my children that’s wearing me down. That poor child may never trust a man again. And i don’t blame her. Will I be able to trust again? 

March 10, 2015

I thought that leaving an abusive marriage after 24 years was hard. Even more difficult was when their father refused to reply to the children’s  texts.  But last week threw me a curve ball.  The hardest thing I have yet to  face. The words  I heard coming out of my daughters lips.   Never did I ever imagine it could or would happen to my family.  I knew what I had to do. I knew what the right thing was, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Just because it’s right, Doesn’t make it easy.  I had to make the call. I had to tell them what I knew and what I’ve been told. 

Here I am, newly single mom, sole-provider… Financially, emotionally and any other “ly” necessary. Here I am trying to be strong, yet so broken. I don’t remember the last night I remained sober. Some things you just don’t want to think about or remember.   I have to be strong for my daughter, but yet I know in my heart this means I have lost a son. The pain of knowing the truth isn’t as hard as the pain of the precious memories I have.
I thought about Going to get on antidepressants… But I’m already numb, I already sleep well from mental and physical exhaustion… I don’t need anything that’ll suppress the sex drive… That’s my only release! Oh … To be able to start life over, wouldn’t that be grand?