Category: Daily

I Stepped On A Snake In My Chaco’s

How Compulsions Start

According to my husband, I spend too much money on Amazon, and for once, I had to agree. I blame it on COVID, like all the other not-so-great habits we picked up and some not-so-bad ones, too. “Since COVID, I haven’t been able to…. When COVID hit, I… bought groceries online, and now I can’t stop….started drinking more… stopped going to church… stopped exercising… started exercising more… stopped going out… started writing….” COVID has been blamed for the reason we are doing whatever we are doing.

My Amazon purchases were so bad that the driver became accustomed to delivering packages to my house; if a neighbor ordered something on Amazon, they would automatically assume it was for me. I had to constantly redeliver Amazon boxes to our neighbors because they were mistakenly delivered to my home. I do not recall ever receiving one of my missing packages from a neighbor. Apparently, karma only works one way on our street, and I just want my slippers!

One morning, after unboxing a delivery, I stepped out into the garage to dispose of the garbage. As I stepped off the bottom step, I landed right on what I thought was fallen debris, perhaps an Amazon box. It felt firm under my foot, which left me a little confused. When I turned around, I realized I had stepped onto a snake. This snake was about 3 feet long and 3 inches in circumference. It was a fatty. Later, I would learn it was just a harmless water snake. I jumped back and screamed. Remembering what my kids said about me whenever I yelled at them.

“Mom, you can’t yell, we can’t take you serious.”

Yelling and screaming weren’t things that came natural to me, and according to them and the snake, it didn’t sound right either. The snake looked confused, acting like it wanted to slither away. I stood motionless as well. I looked at the creature blocking the entrance to my door. The door was still open. Now I am afraid the dog might have heard my scream and come to see what was going on. Then I started to worry that my 14-year-old would come to investigate too.

At this point, my mom instincts kicked in, and I stopped screaming because I do not want them to be in harm’s way. I stand there, staring at the snake, it lying there, staring back at me. I move left; it moves left. I move right; it moves right. I move forward; it moves backward. It is like one of those moments when you and a stranger are trying to get through the same entrance, but neither of you is sure which way or which side the other will choose, and you keep choosing the same way.

I want to run into the house, but in front of the steps lies a humongous snake. I want to run outside the garage, but the path between me, the car, and the snake is far too narrow to chance it. So I start waving my arms in the “shooing” manner to encourage it to go outside. Instead of going outside, it decided to slither around the steps and coil up under the mop bucket left there earlier in the week to dry.

I immediately called my husband, “I just stepped on a snake in the garage, and I have my Chacos on.”

“What?”

“I just fucking stepped on a snake in the garage with open-toed sandals, and it is still in here!” I said, emphasizing each word.

He, hearing the panic in my voice, jumped in his truck, drove down from the shop, and took care of the snake.

This is one of those life-changing moments that alter the way you live your life. I’ve had a few of those moments, like when a giant wolf spider was in my slipper while I was trying to put it on. Like when there was a huge King snake on our back deck, mind you, this deck sits elevated about 8-10 feet off the ground, so I’m still trying to figure out how he got there. And then there was the time my husband found a copperhead in the garage on MY side of the car.

Fear doesn’t fix you; it just teaches you to move differently through the world. The Amazon boxes still arrive. But now I never walk into the garage without looking down. I shake out my slippers, scan the deck, and check every corner. COVID gave me one set of compulsions; a three-foot water snake gave me another.

I’m not sure which habits are worse.

A woman addicted to Prime

Bought boxes delivered on time

She stepped on a snake

In sandals—big mistake!

Now she checks every floor,

every time

Fa-La-La-Laaaaaaa

Fa-La-La-Laaaaaaa

Saturday morning, I awoke with the innocent idea of a bath. A little peace, little self-care. With just a few drops of lavender oil for calm and a touch of peppermint to invigorate the senses. Just a drop or two.

I should have known the moment I saw the crooked cap on the peppermint oil that fate had other plans. I bent down, meaning only to twist it shut, but the bottle leapt from my fingers like it had a will of its own. It hit the edge of the tub, ricocheted onto the trash can, and finally exploded onto the floor in a minty massacre. Over half the bottle spilled, its contents cascading across the tub, the floor, the trash, and into the steaming bathwater too.

Quickly, I grabbed a washcloth and wiped where I could, not grasping the full extent of the invasion. The scent was intense, but pleasant. Clean and energizing. I mistook it for a good omen.

Then, I stepped in.

The moment I slid my body into the water, my lady bits were met with an icy fire I can only describe as what I imagine happens when frostbite and cayenne pepper make love and have a menthol demon baby.

A blinding, searing chill set my nerves alight. My body seized, my breath caught, and I launched out of the tub like it had turned to lava. In a frenzy, I pulled the drain and stumbled into the shower, fumbling with the knobs like I was defusing a bomb. For minutes that felt like hours, I stood under the water rinsing my stinging, peppermint-soaked body, praying it would end.

The tingling and burning betrayed me. Every inch of my skin pulsed with arctic intensity. My toes were numb. My nether regions felt violated by peppermint’s cruel embrace. She ached with an almost comical vengeance.

The bathroom had become a cathedral of menthol. The scent, powerful and unrelenting, spread like incense across the house. Every room minty. Every towel minty. Every breath like freshly chewed gum, minty. I smelled like a candy cane, an echo of that peppermint curse clinging to the air. The house remained a shrine to my overzealous self-care.

Lesson learned: essential oils may be “natural,” but they are not gentle. Especially not peppermint. Peppermint is not your friend. Peppermint waits for a moment of prideful peace, then it strikes. Use it wisely and use it sparingly. And never assume the cap is on tight.

Better

Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?

My life is better today than what I pictured a year ago.

However, the year came with several speed-bumbs, road blocks, delays and detours. But isn’t that what makes our lives better? The learning how to navigate through life when faced with challenges?

I’m just thankful you didn’t ask if I enjoyed this year better than the last. I might’ve had a different answer.

Sleeplessness is…

Insomnia’s sister
Transients  cousin
Fluidities Aunt
Instabilities mom
Anxieties grandmother

….me

Before the World Awakes

Before the World Awakes

Even the most ordinary mornings are full of movement, memory, and quiet decisions.
Maybe we don’t need big moments to feel present—just enough space to notice the small ones.

I turned over in bed, wondering how long I’d been in that same position. My arm had fallen asleep, and my chest felt crunched. I took a deep breath, thinking about checking the clock, but I also wanted to roll back over. I usually toss and turn all night, but this time, I didn’t. Must be the progesterone doing its job.

I adjusted my pillows — only to realize one was missing. I patted around until I found it above my head. Did I slide down during the night? Did I fall asleep on my husband again? That usually throws off the pillow setup. I sat up, got the pillow back under my head… and then, of course, my alarm started to vibrate, lighting up the room.

Oh no — it’s going to wake him. I never let the alarm go off. I’m usually up before it. I tapped the dismiss button on my watch and sat on the edge of the bed, brushing hair out of my face — except it was stuck. Strands crisscrossed my mouth, nose, and eyes. What in the world? Did I drool? Then I remembered — my detox box sent me that nighttime serum that makes my face sticky. That explains it.

I grabbed my phone, picked up my clothes from the floor — we both agreed sleeping naked is non-negotiable — and tiptoed to the bathroom. I used my phone light to close the door slowly. The bathroom light stays off — his eyelids are basically transparent. He’s a night owl. I’m a morning person. Our compromise is to be in bed by 9–10, and I’m up between 3 and 4. He “sleeps in” until 6:30.

I turned on the closet light instead — it’s in the bathroom, which I always thought was a weird design choice, but it works and is quite convenient. I sat on the toilet, like usual, giving my body time to eliminate any bad decisions from dinner. Then I changed into yoga pants, a sports bra, and one of my many sweatshirts. I always tell myself I need to buy another one—I wear them year-round.

Then came the stealth mission: turn off lights, tiptoe across the tile (hoping my ankles don’t click), and open the bedroom door without setting off the vacuum-force door slam. The cat meowed her usual greeting — so I didn’t wake him, but I did wake her. Last obstacle: close the door behind me with just the right amount of pressure to keep the vacuum from yanking it.

Once it clicked into place, I exhaled. I hadn’t even realized I was holding my breath.

The kitchen was dark. I turned on the light and went through the usual motions:
Tea pod out. Decaf in. Brew on espresso.
Creamer in the frother. Start.
Swap in a chicory pod. 10oz of bold flavor.
Yeti from the dishwasher. Cream, coffee, done.
Spring water in a glass. Cat fed.

And now I’m downstairs, writing this, wondering…

  • Is it out of respect for his sleep… or is there something comforting in the ritual of moving unnoticed?
  • Is it desire for peace, control, or maybe even to feel needed in the stillness?
  • Why do small creatures always seem to keep us on schedule better than alarms?
  • Does waking early give me a head start… or just a moment to exist without anyone else’s noise?
  • And what am I really trying to let go of — each morning, sitting there in silence, waiting?

It’s My Birthday

It’s My Birthday

After 50, birthdays are not as welcome or eagerly anticipated.
Maybe because they no longer symbolize beginning—they feel more like markers of what’s already passed.

I’m in the era of searching for the fountain of youth.
Not in fairy tales or myths—just in small hopes, routines, supplements, & habits.

I want to live to be 100, but sometimes my body tells me it’s not so sure it will.
And on those days, it feels like I’m negotiating with time.

50 is the halfway point, and 57 is past the halfway point.
It depends on the lens: optimism or realism. I’ve already stepped beyond that imagined middle.

I’m still quite a way from 100, but as the years go by faster and faster with each birthday, it doesn’t feel like it’s only 43 years away.
Time feels slippery now, like it’s speeding up while I’m slowing down.

And see that little word “only” — 43 is less than 50, and 43 is too soon.
It used to sound like a lifetime. Now it sounds like a countdown.

They say to live every life like it is your last, and live each day like it is your last.
A noble idea. But who can actually do that, every day?

I definitely couldn’t do all the things I’ve wanted to do in life in 1 day.
I couldn’t fit it into this one day.
Dreams take decades. Some never arrive. Some arrive too late.

But I could treat people and anyone I came across as I would if today were “it.”
I could. I can be the best version of myself TODAY.
And maybe that’s more powerful than any bucket list.

She Meow’s Like My Ex

She Meow’s Like My Ex

“She’s a diva,” I tell people.

She truly is demanding, entitled, and relentless. She will sit outside my door crying and bawling as if she has been wronged because I did not give her the beloved wet cat food this morning. She is so sure she is starving that she sits on the other side of the door, telling me so.

 I wasn’t trying to be mean or withhold food from her; she has a bowl of hard food available at all times, but she has become accustomed to a routine. A routine that doesn’t tell time unless, of course, I am late.

This particular day, I got up earlier than usual, around 3 a.m., and figured it might be a tad too early to feed the fat thing. I reasoned that if I fed her now, then she would be hungrier later. But she did not care. I was up, and she deserved her morning breakfast, which I ignored.

There are days I may linger in bed, especially on the weekend. And by linger, I mean 6 am or 7 am, but a lot later than the usual 4 or 5 am. If I dare allow myself a moment of pleasure in bed, longer than she’s used to, she will sit outside my bedroom door. Weeping and wailing about the hell she’s in, as if her stomach has shriveled and is actively atrophying. 

Is it wrong that I find myself resenting a cat?

She’s so needy. I can’t stand needy people, and this cat, in all her demanding glory, reminds me of my ex-husband. Always needing emotional propping. Constant ego strokes. He’d smell it if I didn’t convince him of my sincerity, and explode.

Oh, such a quandary living with a narcissist. You never know from one minute to the next if you’re going to set them off. No matter how hard you try to be perfect. And this needy, fluffy cat needed me to feed her.

I also find myself resenting her because she is so demanding. She stood outside my door, the door to my room – I don’t have a name for this room, but the room where I write, the room where I go to deconstruct. To get away. To lie in the red-light bed and forget. In this room, I sit, typing this. She paws under the door, meowing,

“Feed me bitch”.

Her demands take me back to my ex again, as everyone already knows a narcissist is demanding. They demand that you give them all the attention. If I showed my children more attention than him, he would start to act out in jealousy, so all the attention would be back on him. He insisted that I give him undivided attention 24/7. And if I had to take a break to use the bathroom or breathe, all hell would break loose, and I was disrespecting him.  He’d say,

“You aren’t listening to me! “.

This Tortie creature does the same thing. I can be sitting on the couch with a blanket watching TV, and she will be minding her own business, but as soon as I pull out a crochet project or the laptop. Then here she comes,

“Hey! Pay attention to ME!”

Staking claim to my lap, insisting I rub her head. I miss the days when she was less affectionate. She now needs pets and rubs more often than I care to give. Perhaps her deprived cries for attention cause me to want to withhold affection.

I used to be a cat person. Every cat I have ever owned was needy and demanding in its own way, but living with a narcissist for 24 years has helped me realize that maybe I shouldn’t be a pet owner because I didn’t even tell you about the codependent Goldendoodle.

That one needs a story of her own.

What I Should Have Said Was…

What I Should Have Said Was…

What I should have said was:
“Oh wow! That’s a unique name. Where did you come up with it?”

But instead, I said:

“P?? That’s a boy’s name.”

My oldest son and his wife were expecting their first child, my first granddaughter. I remember the night they called to share the fantastic news that they were having a girl.

“Do you have any names picked out?” I asked.

With pride and excitement, they told me the name they had chosen.
In my old-lady shock, I blurted out:

“P? Why do you want to name her that? That’s a boy’s name!”

I didn’t realize how in love they were with that name. To my embarrassment, I later learned the error of my disappointing words. What I should have said was:

“Oh wow, that’s really cute.”

Even though at the time I had never heard that name used for a girl, I’ve met a few girls with that name since then. I’ll tell you what, when I hear baby name announcements now, I say things like:

“Ohhh, that’s unique!” or

“Sweet!”

Or, I immediately look it up to see what the name means.

Irie means God’s grace looking down on us.

It was too late to look up the meaning of “P.” It didn’t matter how hard I tried to smooth it over; I said what I said, and what has been said cannot be unsaid.

Turns out “P” means keeper of the parks and nature, the perfect name for a little girl who loves the outdoors. Like a wildflower growing in an unexpected place, her name bloomed in my heart, slowly, then all at once.

These days, I keep my Grandma mouth in check. I’ve learned the art of the polite pause, long enough to Google and nod appreciatively.

I’ve also learned that names, like people, grow on you. And sometimes, the name you couldn’t understand becomes the name you can’t imagine living without.
Now, when I call out to little “P” and she turns around with that curious sparkle in her eyes, I think…

“What a perfect name for such a wild and wonderful little girl.”

May 14, 2015

What language do you speak?

What language do you speak? I find myself talking a different way to different people. For example I have a Mexican lady who works for me who does not speak English, so I slowdown my speech, try to add a little Spanish in order for her to understand. 

I have one friend who is a devout Christian, when we talk I use my Christian language with her, no cuss words throwing in a little Bible and a few “God’s blessing, God is good”…you know all that stuff.

Then I have that one friend who I can talk to you about anything,  sometimes my mouth turns into a potty and my mind goes into the gutter with her.
Then I have my man who I have only been dating for five months who I adore and I can tell everything to, but am still trying to impress… you know?


I have learned that I speak many languages. What about you?